A Little Bit of Me

Lost in my own grief I haven’t been seeing the grief of the others around me. We had a second loss just before Christmas and selfishly I didn’t fully see what my mum was going through. I new she was struggling and had taken time off work because of it but I honeslty didn’t know the full extent of it. I don’t think I ever will. But to find something out today that honestly shocked me and made me see how much she wasn’t talking about her grief for the loss at Christmas was really sad. Everything is so closed off. Nothing is fully spoken about. It’s the denial of  “I’m doing ok “ when asked how we are doing. Things like this should be spoken about, shouted from the roof tops. The fact that my own mother couldn’t even speak out is sad. I feel so bad for being so wrapped up in his anniversary and moving house, important things like asking how people are, and actually listening shouldn’t be ignored. I got and gave the same answer    “ it’s ok” Everyone goes through grief t...

In high school we had a deaf unit and it always interested me that using your hands to speak was a way of the people in the unit to communicate. I managed to learn some signs and could vaguely get myself understood but not as much as I’d liked. There was a lunch time club that allowed hearing pupils to learn to sign and I got involved. Knowing some sign language helped when I was volunteering through school and was able to help when people couldn’t communicate. I took a night class in bsl but failed the exam because I couldn’t remember the questions that the lecturer had asked and couldn’t communicate the amount that was wanted. From then honeslty I lost the signs that I had. Failing the course put me off learning more because I wasn’t able to answer simple questions and what good is that. I still use some signs if I need to but not as much as I’d known. I would love to learn more and be able to have a conversation but the thoughts of failing the class have put me off and that’s sa...

(I’m writing this now as I don’t think that I will be able to next week) 2 years ago I lost you.  My world fell apart and you were no longer by myside. You fought the hardest battle but in the end the fight got to much. And the fight turned then to me. The difference being where as I had been by your side through out the nine months you were no longer beside me and the fight was now a one person fight. The hours, days months and now years without being able to hug you, speak to you or even look into your blue eyes have been tough. We were the couple that fought life together. Friends before you eventually saw sense (much to all our friends relief) I am just so thankful that we had the time that we did before and during our marriage. You were my best friend / soul mate, and without you I feel so alone. We had so much planned for life and that night cut everything short. To see you in so much pain and not able to help hurt deep inside me. Having physically hold you down as they t...

Thinking tonight about the next few weeks and how I’ve been leading up to the 4th April. To say my emotions have been all over the shop is an understatement. I can be up one minute and low the next and sometimes at the drop of a hat. Being back at our flat getting ready to leave it, is hard and getting the last bits packed up feels like an abrupt end. I’ve always known that I would be moving and that I would need to pack everything up and get rid of everything that wasn’t needed. I’ve struggled with the feelings of being alone and the fear of not having anyone around me once I move. Although family are near by to have someone around every day, someone to just have a chat with seems to be something that I’m craving. And the guilt of me being here and still living compared to him was something that I’ve been struggling with but without even realising it. That was the kicker to the heart and at full force. My mental health has had me questioning / doubting myself and what I’m capa...

Over this last weekend I had a family member helping at the flat. Getting things ready for the move and referencing mine instead of ours caught me mega of gard. We were talking about the Christmas tree that is boxed up and whether it was coming with me or not. A bloody Christmas tree reduced me to tears. People say it can be the simplest of things that may set off emotions. Well they were right. There hasn’t been anyone at my place for months helping with the move so having someone there and referring to everything as mine set off all sorts of emotions that took the rest of the weekend to sort themselves out. And I’m under no illusion that they will surface there ugly heads again, and want to fight me for every ounce of inner strength that I have. It wasn’t a problem getting rid of the “junk” that the hubby had kept in the flat. Me and his family had a right laugh at some of the stuff. But now to refer to it as my stuff, mine is a whole other way of thinking. For as much as my head...

Out with family there is no place to talk about my grief and mental health. I’ve been let down by support that i tried to get when John died. And the mental health side apart from psychology and psychiatry (which will be ending soon) there is no place for me to turn. If I have a bad day I’m on my own as I don’t always open up to family about it. There is no place that I can get in touch and speak to someone or some place to go that I don’t have to explain when I just want a place to be but not have to speak. I reached out and got the initial appointment to speak to someone after John died but even that was after a considerable wait. Then no one got back in touch. That was nearly two years ago. I did speak to someone at McMillan about it but it didn’t feel like I got a lot of it. The fact that they’d known him in some respects didn’t help. I feel like talking about it now just makes everyone either sad or just acknowledge me for so long. There is days when I just want to shout it loud...

It is official, I’ve given my notice to give up my flat that I shared with my late husband and have a date to get the keys to my new place (the day before his second anniversary) To say I am a mix of emotions is an understatement. I am struggling to finish packing the last of my stuff up and feel enthusiastic about moving to new place.  My heart is heavy, my depression is having its own party inside me and I feel like hiding from it all and not deal with it. I feel like I’m leaving him and everything that we had. The guilt about me moving on is horrible because he isn’t getting to. My next chapter starts soon and his book finished and that makes me sad.  It’s taken me nearly two years to even find a place that I thought I could live in by myself that wasn’t a constant reminder of what I’d lost. Even agreeing on the lease brought me to tears and kept me to myself for a good few days after as I tried to process how I was.  I know he’d want me to move on but it’s so har...

“No, you don’t have to wear your best fake smile Don’t have to stand there and burn inside, oh oh oh  If you don’t like it” - Best Fake Smile - James Bay” Never before has lyrics hit the nail on the head as to how I feel about life. It’s not written in the context as I see them but those words to me are how I feel. Putting a fake smile on and saying that I’m ok and no one actually questioning it is hard. No one takes that extra minute to ask “how are you really? It’s got to the point that even though I may be crying, screaming, shouting on the inside on the outside i have a smile on my face and am getting on with life. There is times don’t get me wrong  when I will say (toclose family usually) but no one truly knows because the smile is put on my face and if it’s not there and I show even the slightest inkling that something is wrong then I’ve taken to much and need a release.  Is a fake smile a secret? Does it hide a different life?  Could braking...

The dictionary definition of judgement is - the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions  It has been something that I have always struggled with. The thought that other people are judging me at any possible chance and it really effects me. It has been told by others with me at the times I think it’s happening that it wasn’t the case. But in my head it did happen, it felt real and the after thoughts with it are so very real. How do I explain to the people around me that they may see it as one way but in my head I see it an entirely different way. Judgement has always been an issue for me. The fear of making a mistake, of not being seen as able to do something. Or even just walking down the street. Or even tasks that I do. The heightened anxiety, the voice in your head telling you that everyone is looking at you and is thinking the worst. The tightening of my chest and the racing pulse are horrible and last a lot longer than normal.  Do I fee...

Hello Monday. What you got in store for me this week? If it’s anything likes last week I’m not sure if I’m ready because that was so tiring mentally. Please be kind, that’s all I ask.  

During the week I was advised to see my dr and get my medication checked and possibly increased. When your head is in a sad negative place you do what is suggested. It seems that I had hit another stage in my grief process and that with the depression was making me a mess. The dr wasn’t to keen on giving me an increase in my meds as she saw it as the grief. She thought it would be better for me to run through it and play out what I was feeling. To be at that point tired of it and looking for help that answer wasn’t really the best. I felt like telling her to do a day with all these thoughts and feelings going on in her head and see if she wanted to play it out. She suggested after talking that I go up another slight dose instead of double the dosage. So that night I started adding the extra a tablet to that that I already take. To be honest as soon as I took it I felt guilty. Feeling like I was not wanting to feel the pain and loss in the full amount of the week. Feel like I was sh...

Today has been one of the harder days. Getting asked to present my husbands memorial trophy at a competition today was out of the blue as I was gearing myself up to present it next month instead. I know it was the right place to do it today and that for me to do it was the right thing. It massively threw me off balance and resulted in me trying so hard to stop a panic attack happening. You see he should of been at that event, he should of been playing. Walking past his coach and uttering the words “I’m going to cry” was the best thing I could of done because he made me stop and speak. And when I went back to the competition it was him that made sure to speak to me and try and focus my attentions on other things than the way my heart was racing and the fact that I really wanted to burst out crying. As recommended by the Dr I am seeing someone connected to the samaratins once a month and chatting about everything. Needless to say I burst out in tears when it was just the two of us....

Feeling alone in a crowded room is something that I have always struggled with. It can be a social gathering that I know people at yet to me I still feel very much alone. You see I’m not good at starting or keeping a conversation going. The thought of being the one that everyone looks at sends the anxieties high and me running out the room. So as everyone talks I stand quiet, afraid to say the wrong thing or be judged. Can you ever truly block out the noise of so many conversations? The answer is no. The noise just gets louder in your head and conversations all blend into one. And trying to focus and look interested gets harder. Do I like my own company? I’ve learnt to. Do I wish that the obsessive parts to being social weren’t so mentally tuff?  ........ I know nothing else. I have a real longing to be seen and have a decent group of friends but how can I have that if 1. I don’t do well in groups and 2. I can’t truly open up about how I’m feeling without fear. Loneliness ...

We have not had the best of relationships. It’s the unwanted guest at a party or the animal that you find but only because of its smell. The last seven and half years have been the hardest fight that I have had mentally. Just the depression on its own it might of been easier to handle but pair it with anxiety and ocd its a horrible concoction. I was put on Venlaflaxine at different amounts up and down while my body got used to it. Looking back on my years growing up depression has always been my shadow and wrapped itself tighter and tighter around me. Pulling st my heart and head with such force that at times it got to much. People who don’t have to deal with it don’t really know the daily struggle, the daily fight to even get the simplest of tasks done. When you don’t even have the energy to focus. Fighting the urge to let it win and take over me. It comes in waves, up and down with such force that the only think I feel like doing is sleeping. The negative thoughts that go aroun...

I start this week on not a lot of sleep, aware that things will change and confused and lonely. Another week closer to his anniversary and one that I know will bring a new chapter for me. Life goes on and people become just a memory. A memory that we have to live with instead of the person. Events that he would of been at, competitions that he should of competed in. My week is the memories. Lieing awake at night in the pitch black when everyone else is asleep my mind wanders. And not to a happy place. No one is asking, taking the time and that makes me oh so aware of how unimportant I am. Between hospital appointments and working with his stuff I need to find that strength and courage that I feel I’m lacking. I know this week will bring tears and the longing to be held in a hug. I know I’ll probably not have the strength to not resist eating junk food. Because the anxiety and depression have taken such a hold that when my mood reaches this it’s the go to of choice. I try so har...

For the second night a row I’m awake into the next day, the thought of sleep just doesn’t appeal. With the darkness brings thoughts, sadness and so much quiet that it’s horrible. To wake from a sleep where I didn’t feel as tired as I was when I went to sleep would be ideal. To feel rested instead of getting up in the morning and instantly wishing that I could go back to bed.

This week has been one of the hardest mentally. I’ve looked and put a deposit down on a new place and face the prospect of moving on with my life and leaving the chapter behind of my husband and the place that we shared. Never has one week caused me to not sleep properly in so long and for that fact I didn’t manage to sleep until nearly 3 last night and that was with a over thinking, longing head that made me so sad that I couldn’t shut off. With everything that has been happening I have found myself turning to the comfort food. Something which I regret but unfortunately is part of me and the way that I cope. The wanting for something sweeet and sugary took over from trying to be sensible. My anxieties are high and the mood is low and mixed, a bad combination. You fight everyday to get through and some days are just harder than others. I reach the end of the week physically exhausted and wanting to flick a switch to stop the thoughts. But it’s part of me and I accept that I just ...

Christmas last year was I new gonna be a hard one. With the recent loss of my gran during the month no one was in the festive spirit. I had turned to social media just to loose myself when I needed it. That’s when I saw what Sarah Millican was doing over the 25th and decided to make and effort. And I’m really glad that I did. The #joinin was set for people that were feeling lonely and were able to talk to others in the same boat. I was amazed at how many people were talking from all over the world. I have to say it helped a lot. There was people on through out the day and it was so good to now that when things got to much I could escape online and talk to others that were willing to chat. New Year came and not as I don’t usually go out or celebrate it but having #joinin available to talk to others gave me something. #joinin247 was set up for those of us that needed a chat through out the year not just over the festive period. To the person that set that up I say thank you. Honestl...

It has been the hardest thing to think about. The fact that I would be moving out the place we had for seven years and the next place wouldn’t have you in it. For as much as I didn’t want to go back to our place because of the paramedics it was still our place. I have been looking but every place I looked just didn’t feel right. Maybe just maybe I might of found somewhere and that scares me. Being on my own again and not waking up beside you fills my heart with so much sadness. Making sure you had everything as you left for work each morning will never happen again. This place is just gonna be me. For as much as I have had people around me everyday since you died the thought of it just being me, I don’t feel strong. Some of your stuff is still around. Going through it has taken time. Some would say I should of done it sooner and moved out of our place. How can anybody say how long something should take? Putting just my products in the bathroom, only making meals for one. My hear...

This last week being in the house and due to the snow and only getting out when the weather eased for a bit has I’m afraid to say really not helped my thought process and how I’m seeing myself. The negative train of thought that has been happening hasn’t been the best and the anxiety about the future without J in it and how’ll cope is really at the fore front of every hour /day. My confidence in what I can do is at a low and the comfort eating is building. I hate being judged on it ( or at least feel like I am ) but that is where my head is. Yes we are all allowed comfort days, days of not doing anything or days / times to specifically look after ourselves. But I can’t even say it’s that because it’s just me pure not having an inkling to do anything and it annoys me once I realise. Appointments and things I had planned got cancelled and that didn’t help the mood either. It was a goal I had set myself and to not be able to achieve it put a whole negative on things. If I wasn’t stay...

Something that is becoming more and more clear to me and makes me so sad is that people around me are taking me at face value and not taking the time to ask me how I’m doing. Whether it be with my grief, my mental health or with the stupid ear infection that I have. It has to be me that offers up the information first and it shouldn’t be that way. No wonder I’ve go into the habit of keeping things to myself and dealing with things. If you are reading this and it rings bells, the fact that you haven’t asked someone how they are doing / feeling then do it and PLEASE listen.

I wanted to be surrounded by photos of you. To see your beautiful smile looking back at me when I was at my lowest in my grief. It took a year and a half for me to get one photo out and every day now I look at it and wish to see you again.  Every time a thought / situation happens or I watch / read something that is poignant I look at your photo, see that smile and and my heart breaks ( the weight that pulls on it just takes it that little further apart ) I wish that I could have the strength to have more out on view but at the minute I just can’t. (Everything to do with the fact that I’m living at my folks and that all my stuff is in one room) To look at your photo and see the twinkle in your eyes. That massive smile and your blond hair. If a photo could capture you in one shot then this one did and for that I am thankful. I will get there with getting the others printed, the ones we both wanted printed. I will have those memories. J if loosing you has taught me anything it’...

“Another Friday. Another week gone. Another week further away from the last time we saw her. Every week I feel a bit stronger, but each week I miss her more” Simon Thomas It’s two years next month for me and what’s written up sums up really well how I feel. There has been so much happen since the last time we saw J, so much that he would of been right in the middle of without a doubt. It only feels like yesterday that he died. When he first died although it was expected it was on his term so it was quick. He told us when. The loss of someone that held us all together hit us all. He was supposed to be here annoying us all with his stupid impressions but he wasn’t.  I say it all the time but if I wasn’t on my medication it could of been a whole different story as to how I coped. But it helped, and I’m not afraid to say that I am on medication for my mental health that is helping with the grief as well. The feeling of being alone is horrible. Loosing your soul mate is hard. So man...

For a long time before I met my late husband I never was with anyone. The negative thoughts of no one would ever want to be with me etc etc were always going through my head. Seeing other people together but not believing that I could be with someone and be as happy. It took a long time for J to realise that he wanted to be with me. We had been friends for so long before (all our friends seeing what was happening, J couldn’t - men !) To finally yes I’m with someone, “my boyfriend” always put a smile on my face because 1. Someone actually saw me for me and liked what he saw and 2. The guy that all the girls liked chose me. 20 + years of knowing each other. 5 years of being bf + gf and 6 years married. I miss him. I miss doing stupid stuff like sitting watching a film or having breakfast. And more so as it nears his two year anniversary I miss being held by him. Getting a kiss from him. To go from doing everything together to it now just being me it hurts. I miss our life, what cou...