Skip to main content

The pain of moving on - new life chapter


It is official, I’ve given my notice to give up my flat that I shared with my late husband and have a date to get the keys to my new place (the day before his second anniversary)
To say I am a mix of emotions is an understatement. I am struggling to finish packing the last of my stuff up and feel enthusiastic about moving to new place. 
My heart is heavy, my depression is having its own party inside me and I feel like hiding from it all and not deal with it. I feel like I’m leaving him and everything that we had. The guilt about me moving on is horrible because he isn’t getting to. My next chapter starts soon and his book finished and that makes me sad. 
It’s taken me nearly two years to even find a place that I thought I could live in by myself that wasn’t a constant reminder of what I’d lost. Even agreeing on the lease brought me to tears and kept me to myself for a good few days after as I tried to process how I was. 
I know he’d want me to move on but it’s so hard, and until you go through it yourself you don’t truly know. Yes I’ve had people tell me it’s the right thing, it’s what he’d want. But how about asking me if I’m honestly ready for it becaus at the minute the answer would probably be no. I can only do so much at the flat before it gets to much and the negativity in my head starts. So it’s been a staged process during the good and bad days.

 Is life ever going to be the same? The answer is no. It’s about dealing with the pain and managing it the best I can.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Not in the best head space.

So turns out I’ve been battling a mental health episode for at least a three months if not longer and I haven’t been aware. Before anyone questions why I didn’t know what was happening it’s because I typically don’t see what’s happening until I’m at a point that someone goes “WE NEED YOU TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE” It builds up slowly and manifests to a point that I’m really in a negative head space. I’ve learnt this time and the hard way that everything that I thought was happening wasn’t. It was my anxiety and grief having a fight off and I was the looser. Not to forget the ruminations of things that might happen or I might do ( some of those thoughts are hard ) Insomnia Panic that I’m seeing things out corner of my eye that aren’t there Negative thoughts - not good enough etc  Real bouts of sadness Not really wanting to eat - snacking  Racing heart Believing things are wrong with me when they aren’t  Those are only a few of the things that I have been dealing wit...
Post a Comment
Read more

If this week has taught me anything

If this week has taught me anything it’s that the grief monster can hit at any time and totally floor you. That three years feel like just yesterday. And that there is people around to give a hug when needed. So last night in the midst of volunteering it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears started and it took me a long time to proper calm myself. I’d manage to tell the coach right at the start of the night that i was struggling and that it had been a hard week. That it felt like just yesterday that he’d died and not nearly three years. I’m lucky with the fact that the coach I work with also was my husbands coach so that in itself is a help. I’d managed one class and was more than half way through the second when a shot I threw was called rubbish and one look to the other lady that coaches with me and I was a mess. If I hadn’t of already been sitting on the floor I think I might of ended up there. Luckily for me she also knows my history and shouted on the main coach who got to me...
Post a Comment
Read more

Nearly three years - reflection

I’ve found my self lately thinking about what has actually happened over the last years and thinking about and saying thank you to people that have helped me. I’ve heard stories of people that loose someone close to them and the friends that go with. In some respects that is true for me but in other cases the friends that were ours mutually are now mine and the friendships I have with them have grown. ( do I think they would be that way if my husband was still alive ? Answer it would be different. But they would still be part of our lives ) Other people I have met since this new life for me started and I’m grateful for everyone of them because they probably unknowingly have helped me through the hardest years of my life so far. Some of them I’ve only spoken on line to ( you know who you are ). Other friendships have been formed in person and the communication with them has helped even on the darkest of days. Each of them unwittingly helping navigate me through this journey of grief....
Post a Comment
Read more