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The pain of moving on - new life chapter


It is official, I’ve given my notice to give up my flat that I shared with my late husband and have a date to get the keys to my new place (the day before his second anniversary)
To say I am a mix of emotions is an understatement. I am struggling to finish packing the last of my stuff up and feel enthusiastic about moving to new place. 
My heart is heavy, my depression is having its own party inside me and I feel like hiding from it all and not deal with it. I feel like I’m leaving him and everything that we had. The guilt about me moving on is horrible because he isn’t getting to. My next chapter starts soon and his book finished and that makes me sad. 
It’s taken me nearly two years to even find a place that I thought I could live in by myself that wasn’t a constant reminder of what I’d lost. Even agreeing on the lease brought me to tears and kept me to myself for a good few days after as I tried to process how I was. 
I know he’d want me to move on but it’s so hard, and until you go through it yourself you don’t truly know. Yes I’ve had people tell me it’s the right thing, it’s what he’d want. But how about asking me if I’m honestly ready for it becaus at the minute the answer would probably be no. I can only do so much at the flat before it gets to much and the negativity in my head starts. So it’s been a staged process during the good and bad days.

 Is life ever going to be the same? The answer is no. It’s about dealing with the pain and managing it the best I can.

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