Skip to main content

Honest thoughts on my mental health and grief


Thinking tonight about the next few weeks and how I’ve been leading up to the 4th April.

To say my emotions have been all over the shop is an understatement. I can be up one minute and low the next and sometimes at the drop of a hat.
Being back at our flat getting ready to leave it, is hard and getting the last bits packed up feels like an abrupt end. I’ve always known that I would be moving and that I would need to pack everything up and get rid of everything that wasn’t needed.
I’ve struggled with the feelings of being alone and the fear of not having anyone around me once I move. Although family are near by to have someone around every day, someone to just have a chat with seems to be something that I’m craving.
And the guilt of me being here and still living compared to him was something that I’ve been struggling with but without even realising it. That was the kicker to the heart and at full force.

My mental health has had me questioning / doubting myself and what I’m capable of. The negative constant thoughts and the internal fight is heard work. Some days even the struggle with doing tasks is hard and if I hadn’t of been living at parents house I honestly don’t know if I’d of got anything done. I’ve been trying to really concentrate on self care, of looking after me. And I can tell you that the guilt with it is horrible. Feeling guilty about looking after myself is something that I never thought that I’d write.
I had upped my medication as a precaution because of the way I was acting / feeling and it wasn’t even close to his anniversary and moving out the flat that we rented. I’m happy that I’d been able to ask for it to happen but the guilt after it, days after was something that took me by surprise because I’d felt like I was letting myself down in asking. Needless to say I didn’t stay on them long. The guilt got to much and the realisation that I should probably play out what was ever happening in my thoughts.

So I get the keys to my new place the day before his anniversary and I escape to the city for a few days, almost like building myself up to moving and not being around anything connected to him or us on the date. I know it’s gonna be a hard day, a memory day. I just hope that I can hold it together and with the flat make the move and not let the new place feel like it’s a widows place.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Not in the best head space.

So turns out I’ve been battling a mental health episode for at least a three months if not longer and I haven’t been aware. Before anyone questions why I didn’t know what was happening it’s because I typically don’t see what’s happening until I’m at a point that someone goes “WE NEED YOU TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE” It builds up slowly and manifests to a point that I’m really in a negative head space. I’ve learnt this time and the hard way that everything that I thought was happening wasn’t. It was my anxiety and grief having a fight off and I was the looser. Not to forget the ruminations of things that might happen or I might do ( some of those thoughts are hard ) Insomnia Panic that I’m seeing things out corner of my eye that aren’t there Negative thoughts - not good enough etc  Real bouts of sadness Not really wanting to eat - snacking  Racing heart Believing things are wrong with me when they aren’t  Those are only a few of the things that I have been dealing wit...

If this week has taught me anything

If this week has taught me anything it’s that the grief monster can hit at any time and totally floor you. That three years feel like just yesterday. And that there is people around to give a hug when needed. So last night in the midst of volunteering it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears started and it took me a long time to proper calm myself. I’d manage to tell the coach right at the start of the night that i was struggling and that it had been a hard week. That it felt like just yesterday that he’d died and not nearly three years. I’m lucky with the fact that the coach I work with also was my husbands coach so that in itself is a help. I’d managed one class and was more than half way through the second when a shot I threw was called rubbish and one look to the other lady that coaches with me and I was a mess. If I hadn’t of already been sitting on the floor I think I might of ended up there. Luckily for me she also knows my history and shouted on the main coach who got to me...

Nearly three years - reflection

I’ve found my self lately thinking about what has actually happened over the last years and thinking about and saying thank you to people that have helped me. I’ve heard stories of people that loose someone close to them and the friends that go with. In some respects that is true for me but in other cases the friends that were ours mutually are now mine and the friendships I have with them have grown. ( do I think they would be that way if my husband was still alive ? Answer it would be different. But they would still be part of our lives ) Other people I have met since this new life for me started and I’m grateful for everyone of them because they probably unknowingly have helped me through the hardest years of my life so far. Some of them I’ve only spoken on line to ( you know who you are ). Other friendships have been formed in person and the communication with them has helped even on the darkest of days. Each of them unwittingly helping navigate me through this journey of grief....