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Honest thoughts on my mental health and grief


Thinking tonight about the next few weeks and how I’ve been leading up to the 4th April.

To say my emotions have been all over the shop is an understatement. I can be up one minute and low the next and sometimes at the drop of a hat.
Being back at our flat getting ready to leave it, is hard and getting the last bits packed up feels like an abrupt end. I’ve always known that I would be moving and that I would need to pack everything up and get rid of everything that wasn’t needed.
I’ve struggled with the feelings of being alone and the fear of not having anyone around me once I move. Although family are near by to have someone around every day, someone to just have a chat with seems to be something that I’m craving.
And the guilt of me being here and still living compared to him was something that I’ve been struggling with but without even realising it. That was the kicker to the heart and at full force.

My mental health has had me questioning / doubting myself and what I’m capable of. The negative constant thoughts and the internal fight is heard work. Some days even the struggle with doing tasks is hard and if I hadn’t of been living at parents house I honestly don’t know if I’d of got anything done. I’ve been trying to really concentrate on self care, of looking after me. And I can tell you that the guilt with it is horrible. Feeling guilty about looking after myself is something that I never thought that I’d write.
I had upped my medication as a precaution because of the way I was acting / feeling and it wasn’t even close to his anniversary and moving out the flat that we rented. I’m happy that I’d been able to ask for it to happen but the guilt after it, days after was something that took me by surprise because I’d felt like I was letting myself down in asking. Needless to say I didn’t stay on them long. The guilt got to much and the realisation that I should probably play out what was ever happening in my thoughts.

So I get the keys to my new place the day before his anniversary and I escape to the city for a few days, almost like building myself up to moving and not being around anything connected to him or us on the date. I know it’s gonna be a hard day, a memory day. I just hope that I can hold it together and with the flat make the move and not let the new place feel like it’s a widows place.

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