Skip to main content

I miss being part of a couple


For a long time before I met my late husband I never was with anyone. The negative thoughts of no one would ever want to be with me etc etc were always going through my head. Seeing other people together but not believing that I could be with someone and be as happy.
It took a long time for J to realise that he wanted to be with me. We had been friends for so long before (all our friends seeing what was happening, J couldn’t - men !)
To finally yes I’m with someone, “my boyfriend” always put a smile on my face because 1. Someone actually saw me for me and liked what he saw and 2. The guy that all the girls liked chose me.

20 + years of knowing each other. 5 years of being bf + gf and 6 years married. I miss him. I miss doing stupid stuff like sitting watching a film or having breakfast. And more so as it nears his two year anniversary I miss being held by him. Getting a kiss from him.
To go from doing everything together to it now just being me it hurts. I miss our life, what could / should of been. Yet he was taken long before his time.
Ticking the box of widowed instead of married hurts every time. And is a constant reminder that he has gone. And I’m no longer part of a couple. A thing that used to make me so happy.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Not in the best head space.

So turns out I’ve been battling a mental health episode for at least a three months if not longer and I haven’t been aware. Before anyone questions why I didn’t know what was happening it’s because I typically don’t see what’s happening until I’m at a point that someone goes “WE NEED YOU TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE” It builds up slowly and manifests to a point that I’m really in a negative head space. I’ve learnt this time and the hard way that everything that I thought was happening wasn’t. It was my anxiety and grief having a fight off and I was the looser. Not to forget the ruminations of things that might happen or I might do ( some of those thoughts are hard ) Insomnia Panic that I’m seeing things out corner of my eye that aren’t there Negative thoughts - not good enough etc  Real bouts of sadness Not really wanting to eat - snacking  Racing heart Believing things are wrong with me when they aren’t  Those are only a few of the things that I have been dealing wit...

If this week has taught me anything

If this week has taught me anything it’s that the grief monster can hit at any time and totally floor you. That three years feel like just yesterday. And that there is people around to give a hug when needed. So last night in the midst of volunteering it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears started and it took me a long time to proper calm myself. I’d manage to tell the coach right at the start of the night that i was struggling and that it had been a hard week. That it felt like just yesterday that he’d died and not nearly three years. I’m lucky with the fact that the coach I work with also was my husbands coach so that in itself is a help. I’d managed one class and was more than half way through the second when a shot I threw was called rubbish and one look to the other lady that coaches with me and I was a mess. If I hadn’t of already been sitting on the floor I think I might of ended up there. Luckily for me she also knows my history and shouted on the main coach who got to me...

Nearly three years - reflection

I’ve found my self lately thinking about what has actually happened over the last years and thinking about and saying thank you to people that have helped me. I’ve heard stories of people that loose someone close to them and the friends that go with. In some respects that is true for me but in other cases the friends that were ours mutually are now mine and the friendships I have with them have grown. ( do I think they would be that way if my husband was still alive ? Answer it would be different. But they would still be part of our lives ) Other people I have met since this new life for me started and I’m grateful for everyone of them because they probably unknowingly have helped me through the hardest years of my life so far. Some of them I’ve only spoken on line to ( you know who you are ). Other friendships have been formed in person and the communication with them has helped even on the darkest of days. Each of them unwittingly helping navigate me through this journey of grief....