A Little Bit of Me

Looking at a video today as I watched myself walk through the frame. I realised that my grief journey has really taken its toll on my body. Now I’ve never been a thin person. I’ve always been on the bigger side but looking at that video made me realise that this last few months when my grief has been at its worst again have not been kind to me, I’ve not been kind to myself. I’ve gone through a real period of not wanting to cook for myself or really eat healthy because cooking for one just makes my heat hurt and that’s sad. Sad that I got to a point being on my own where I didn’t want to spend time making things I wanted to eat. I will admit that making sure I drink enough water has not been important to me. And I know that I’m suffering for that as well. It’s strange because I’m three years down the line since I lost my hubby and am dealing with so many emotions now. Some making me feel like it had just happened. And thinks like properly looking after myself have taken the brunt wi...

It’s been a weird emotional day that has made me miss him so much more.  Took myself off for the day ( thank goodness for a bus pass ) to Edinburgh on the hunt for Oor Willie statues. A art trail around Scotland that raises awareness and vital funds for Scotland’s children’s hospital charities.  The sun was out and that more I found the more I realised he would of been a big kid finding all the different pieces. Talking to his sister and realising she’s found some where she is by the photo that she sent. Just made me realise how much it would of meant to him to be on the trail.  After finding 13 and walking a crazy amount I called it quits.  Coming home to find an official envelope from the exam body for Scotland to a certificate telling me that i am now a level one certified coach for boccia. To say that it seems surreal. And not because of the fact that I coach every week but to see it in a certificate is crazy.  I never thought that I’d ever be...

So turns out I’ve been battling a mental health episode for at least a three months if not longer and I haven’t been aware. Before anyone questions why I didn’t know what was happening it’s because I typically don’t see what’s happening until I’m at a point that someone goes “WE NEED YOU TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE” It builds up slowly and manifests to a point that I’m really in a negative head space. I’ve learnt this time and the hard way that everything that I thought was happening wasn’t. It was my anxiety and grief having a fight off and I was the looser. Not to forget the ruminations of things that might happen or I might do ( some of those thoughts are hard ) Insomnia Panic that I’m seeing things out corner of my eye that aren’t there Negative thoughts - not good enough etc  Real bouts of sadness Not really wanting to eat - snacking  Racing heart Believing things are wrong with me when they aren’t  Those are only a few of the things that I have been dealing wit...

Something I watched recently got me thinking. Thinking about me and how I see myself compared to how I’m seen by others. Now I know a lot happened to me three and a half years ago that has inevitably shaped me now. It has given me a label of ‘widow’ something that I never thought I would have so young in my life. People who knew me before compared to now know me as two different people in respects to the way I am around people and how I deal with life. Yes I was bullied at school and have struggled with anxiety and confidence my whole life but now it almost feels like it takes on a new level. A level further back in what’s important. There has been a lot more happen now that defines me. I’ve hidden away, I’ve cried for long periods of time. I’ve subconsciously unfortunately been resolved to the fact that this is my life now. Widowed at 32 and struggling to really know who I am. - I’m still struggling with that now years later. I look at photos before all that happened and I don’t...

The organisation that I volunteer with has got involved with a sister organisation which is challenging everyone to get out and walk every day in May. The target is to walk the equivalent of The West Highland Way in Scotland - estimated 96miles. It can be done in a team or on your own with the aim to get more people active. I came to the challenge a week after it started and was lucky enough to of kept a record of what I’d walked so far in the month so could fill in the first week easy. As the weeks have gone on I’ve made good distance but unfortunately fought anxiety that I wasn’t good enough and that I wouldn’t get the miles done within the time after being lower than suggested the first week due to a health issue that knocked me from getting more miles than I actually managed. I’m doing the challenge alone and when asked last night how I was doing by the man in charge of the place I volunteer he seemed seriously shocked that I was as far on as I was and jokingly said I can walk b...

It’s a topic that has been a real issue for me. I’ve had friends and lost friends. I’ve been more open to some and it’s cost me me there friendship. I’ve been quiet about things and it’s played with my head. It’s something that I’ve always struggled with is actually having friends. People that I can turn to when I need them. But see since I’ve lost someone closer to me the way people are towards me has changed. Those that knew me when my hubby was alive and those that I’ve met since. Apparently asking someone for help can be relying on them to much. Being myself and talking to some is to much of an issue. My grief is now at a point where it is in stages and I’m not as down as previous but even that can be a problem for some. I’ve come to realise that I have got to look after me and not try and make friends of any kind because it will be used against me if my grief is to much at some points and people just don’t know how to deal with me. Im at a point where the sad realisation is ...

It’s something that I’ve always struggled with is being creative. I know when I’m on form and producing stuff I’m good. But when the self doubt / unable to think of anything cloud comes it is hard to lift myself out of it. I’ve been told that I have a graphic style to my stuff which I kinda see but on the other hand I struggle to see what style I have and what I’m good at. One of the things I love is getting a new sketch pad and opening it and the anticipation of what might come. But on the other hand I look at a clean white paged sketch pad and I really struggle with what I can do. I’ve had over a month from my art class finishing and the next meeting of it which is at the end of this month and I’ve done nothing. It’s supposed to be a basic show and tell of what we’ve done over the month and I have nothing. I guess I’m saying in all that I rambled. I’m struggling with being creative and I need to find a way to get it back because it’s one of the main realises for me and and at t...

I was diagnosed with ibs shortly after my husband died and have been adjusting my life according. But over the last month I’ve noticed slight changes that I thought were different from the usual with my symptoms. Cut to the start of this week and it completely changed again. I should say the Dr thinks it might just be a muscular issue but over the week I’m now wondering whether it’s been a flare up of my ibs. If not something other related to my bowl. I got shooting pains coming what felt like from my back to my front and nearly took the feet from under me and reduced me to tears. I managed to get a drs appointment for the next day and was given co-codamol and a exercise sheet of exercise for my back to do when I felt I could. It only took until late Thursday for me to start to move more easily. And today (8pm Saturday) I’m a lot better and can actually sit without getting the pains or spasms. With all that this week it has got me to wondering whether it may be just a change in my...

I’ve written a few blog posts about how things are for me at the minute. But I need to admit to myself more than anyone. At the minute mentally I’m struggling. There have been a lot of things happening lately that have got me questioning who I am and what I’m capable of. There have also been life events happen that I wish I didn’t feel so alone during. I should say I do have family around me but yet things have happened that I wish I had my hubby around for or even close friends to sound off to. I walked through a city centre today and all I could thing was how much I could feel how fast my heart was going. I had constant triggers and even trying to calm myself down wasn’t working. The constant anxiety about things I could and couldn’t control got on top of me. The negative thoughts that are so prominent in everything I seem to do at the minute are tiring and each day it feels like it’s taking a bit more effort to get through. My flat is a mess and I’m even struggling to get motiva...

Last night I became an auntie to my sister in laws wee girl. And since then I’ve been hit with every emotion and am physically and mentally tired. It’s the first grand child for my hubbys family and I know for all that we aren’t speaking about it there is just this whole lot of new emotions for all of us because he should be here to celebrate. I spent most of last night in tears and again at certain points today. So on that level I’m drained. But I can’t work out if it’s because I’m sad that he will never get to know her or angry that he’s missing out on something that would of meant the world to him. So since we all found out my SIL was pregnant I was told that i was going to be an auntie and that i would have to be the one that got all the Harry Potter things for the baby. But if I’m honest there has always been a part of me that has been sad about being auntie and not having the little ones uncle beside me on this next life chapter. Don’t get me wrong I love the new addition to ...

The last few months have really taken a toll on me mentally and physically. And I’m only just starting to see the signs that my body has been trying to tell me it’s had enough. Along with the grief, anxiety and depression I suffer with s.a.d and although the weather has been ok ( for Scotland ) I suddenly hit a light bulb moment last week that maybe I should try getting more vitamin d into me to see if it would help. I’m only a few days in so will see how it goes. My eating habits this last month have been at there worst again. Whether it be eating or not eating. Eating all the wrong things and just not bothering about what I was putting into my body. The time leading up to and around my husbands anniversary I just didn’t have the power to make right choices in regard to food and drink ( fizzy juice ) cooking meals just didn’t appeal. I’ve been told I need to drink water more than anything else. Over the last year I’ve found myself drinking more fizzy juice rather than water. Don’...

It’s seems so strange writing three years. Three years since I lost him. This time three years ago I was settling in for the night shift by his bed after being told we were gonna loose him at any point. I knew as I said goodbye to him early on the 4th that deep down we wouldn’t have him for the day. My poor guy was tired of it all. So jump forward three years to now. It does feel like it was just yesterday. I read somewhere that the first year you are just numb. The second you accept. But my goodness you should be warned about the third. This year so far has been horrible. In a way I’m glad that his birthday and anniversary are at the start of the year. Gives me enough of a gap till my wedding anniversary. If the three years has taught me anything it’s that it has to be at your pace. For all that I got annoyed at taking ‘baby steps’ i know now that it was what was needed for me. That family members might annoy you with there way of thinking / dealing with there own loss ( his side...

It has always been something I’ve been into in different forms. I’ve even done a two year course on it at college. But it’s been the one thing that I haven’t carried on with or even wanted to do to any extent while I’ve been struggling mentally with my health or grief. But these past few weeks I’ve found myself occasionally taking photos and showing them to people (only the ones I liked) They have been taken on iPhone 7 I think part of the reason I didn’t carry it on after college was because of one of my tutors. He wasn’t the best and wasn’t helpful to those of us that struggled and needed extra help. (Old school - those that he liked were the ones that got all the attention) Whether it be black and white or colour it’s creative. An area that I’ve struggled in. But now after everything I’ve been through I would love to get back into photography. It’s not about setting up the shot it’s about for me seeing something that others might not see. I wanna look at my photos and be ...

Obsessive compulsive disorder   Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an  anxiety disorder . It has two main parts: obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions  are unwelcome thoughts, images, urges, worries or doubts that repeatedly appear in your mind. They can make you feel very anxious (although some people describe it as 'mental discomfort' rather than anxiety). You can  read more about obsessions  here. Compulsions  are repetitive activities that you do to reduce the anxiety caused by the obsession. It could be something like repeatedly checking a door is locked, repeating a specific phrase in your head or checking how your body feels. You can  read more about compulsions  here. It is something I’ve struggled with my whole life but only officially diagnosed 9 years ago. And something that looking back really did take over every day life.  I’ve been on medication to help with my anxiety, depression and ocd since being diagnosed. W...

Something I’ve learnt recently is that at nearly three years that my body is still processing grief and finding ways to tell me when I’m struggling. I noticed not long after my husband died that I was getting what looked like a flashing light above my eyes while in the dark. It didn’t last for long but it was happening. I’d also just been told that I had floaters in my eyes as well. So they flashing continued but only a handful of times. I get to January this year and am having a really bad time around my husbands birthday. And one night Blackpool illuminations kicks off abouve my eyes and in the centre of my forehead. I get seen by an optometrist that week who told me that my retina was fine. Apparently it is also a sign that there might of been an issue there. But the fact that I’m still so new on the grief journey and that it was around his birthday that it happened. It was my body telling me it was struggling and basically shouting for help. Now I know my body’s been through...

I’ve found my self lately thinking about what has actually happened over the last years and thinking about and saying thank you to people that have helped me. I’ve heard stories of people that loose someone close to them and the friends that go with. In some respects that is true for me but in other cases the friends that were ours mutually are now mine and the friendships I have with them have grown. ( do I think they would be that way if my husband was still alive ? Answer it would be different. But they would still be part of our lives ) Other people I have met since this new life for me started and I’m grateful for everyone of them because they probably unknowingly have helped me through the hardest years of my life so far. Some of them I’ve only spoken on line to ( you know who you are ). Other friendships have been formed in person and the communication with them has helped even on the darkest of days. Each of them unwittingly helping navigate me through this journey of grief....

I’ve lost who I am. After years fighting mental illness and then being a carer and then dealing with grief. I can honestly say I don’t know who I am and what I wanna do with my life. Yes I volunteer twice a week. Yes I do an art class BUT more than ever i feel that it doesn’t define who I am. Because I can’t even say when asked truly who I am and what kinda jobs I would like to do. Or what I’m doing with my life. I’m in a place by myself yet it doesn’t feel like a home. I’ve lost my way in life and don’t even know where to start to get it back. People are looking at me for answers to questions that I can’t give. Because I don’t know me. It’s strange to be in a body / be in this life and not be able to say this is truly who I am meant to be.

The prospects of finding work after so long scares me. But I’m at a point now that I’m ready to try find something. I’ve been out of work for 9 years due to mental health, being a full time carer and latterly grief. So to be at this point after everything to say I need to work to get some money to live is a huge step for me but it’s one that fills me with dread that I wound find something. I feel lost in regards to what I actually want to do. My c.v is retail but I would ideally want to get away from that but I can’t say what I want to do. I do volunteering twice a week working with people with special needs and do an art class once a week. I’ve got to a point in my life where I’ve been through so much and want to try something new. I wasn’t happy in my last job and ultimately it cost me in every aspect of me. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I know this sounds like a cover letter to a cv but I needed to get it out of my head and admit to myself that I’m scared and lost as t...

I’ve always been an over thinker. It’s who I am. But see since I ended up on my own again it’s back worse than ever. It’s got to a point that I’m not even aware I’m doing it. But since I got pulled up by a couple of friends about doing it it has 1. Made me more negative about myself and the way I am perceived and 2. Made relationships different. The negative part that fights with me tells me that because I’m widowed that no one wants to be friends. That new or old my over thinking about how I’m seen will and has cost me. That I have a sign above me that warns people away and that I constantly feel like I have to apologise for being me. Because my stupid over thinking brain tells me I’m not good enough. Relationships have always been an issue. I struggle to feel accepted when someone looking at what I have and who I am might think that I’m doing ok. My inner voice is mega phone shouting but your not good eneough for there friendship that your meant to be alone. My over thinking may ...

Nearly three years into this new life and navigating the grief I have and everything it throws at me has been an emotional battle. One I find hard to believe I’ve got through so far. Back story - I new subconsciously as soon as my husband ended up in intensive care that we weren’t going to win the battle that lay ahead of us. You see my husband had been unwell for a while before that night and I could see it but not what was about to happen. So 9 months after a very hard fought battle he lost his fight and that’s when my world changed. We hadn’t been blessed with children - he had had chemotherapy when he was in his teens so we didn’t actually know if we could of had kids. So I don’t even have part of him that lives on. I suffer from mental health issues and am on medication for it. And to be honest I think that those meds have helped in entirely a different way than what they were meant to. In my head I’d already said good bye to him months previously so when the time came to me...