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I know I should be happy - EDITED


Last night I became an auntie to my sister in laws wee girl. And since then I’ve been hit with every emotion and am physically and mentally tired. It’s the first grand child for my hubbys family and I know for all that we aren’t speaking about it there is just this whole lot of new emotions for all of us because he should be here to celebrate.
I spent most of last night in tears and again at certain points today. So on that level I’m drained. But I can’t work out if it’s because I’m sad that he will never get to know her or angry that he’s missing out on something that would of meant the world to him.
So since we all found out my SIL was pregnant I was told that i was going to be an auntie and that i would have to be the one that got all the Harry Potter things for the baby. But if I’m honest there has always been a part of me that has been sad about being auntie and not having the little ones uncle beside me on this next life chapter.
Don’t get me wrong I love the new addition to his side of the family, I always will. ( I’m thankful that they are still including me in there lives ) But writing this makes me even more sad because it’s admitting that 1. he’s not around to meet his niece and 2. I’m actually widowed.
He isn’t here to celebrate. He won’t get to hold her. He won’t get to be absolutely besotted with her like I know he would of been. I know for sure her picture would be is screen saver on his phone.

I’m must of looked a state today at my folks because twice my dad asked me to stay for a few days. Yes I’m emotionally tired. My body is heavy and my head is fogged. But here’s to the next life chapter.

Edit: June 2019 - turns out mentally I’m really not processing the fact that there is a new baby and that we will never get a chance to have one ourselves. I’m grieving again for what we never got and saying I’m ok is a lie.

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