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Navigating grief - feeling lost


Nearly three years into this new life and navigating the grief I have and everything it throws at me has been an emotional battle. One I find hard to believe I’ve got through so far.

Back story - I new subconsciously as soon as my husband ended up in intensive care that we weren’t going to win the battle that lay ahead of us. You see my husband had been unwell for a while before that night and I could see it but not what was about to happen. So 9 months after a very hard fought battle he lost his fight and that’s when my world changed.

We hadn’t been blessed with children - he had had chemotherapy when he was in his teens so we didn’t actually know if we could of had kids. So I don’t even have part of him that lives on.
I suffer from mental health issues and am on medication for it. And to be honest I think that those meds have helped in entirely a different way than what they were meant to. In my head I’d already said good bye to him months previously so when the time came to me it was about giving him the right send off. And not about mourning his passing.
There is a term I’ve seen used among fellow widowers that is the f**k it button. Doing things or buying things that you wouldn’t normally do. I’ve done a few hits of that button and for all that I do t regret the things that I have done since he has died I know now looking back that some of my choices have cost me money that I could of saved.

The first year is seen as the numb year. You get all the firsts out of the way and deal with each day the best you can. The second is the oh shit this is actually my life now and he isn’t around by my side to navigate life with me. For me nesaring 3 years these last few months have been the hardest. I’ve struggled through tears, fears and disbelief. I’m not usually one to show my emotions outward until i really need to so for me to loose it in front of his friends and people that know me now I knew that night that I was in a bad place. Luckily it was people who have known both of us so knew that I might get upset, that I was fighting life.
So now it feels really like it’s just happened and the battle to carry on each day is hard.
I told a family member that I felt lost. And that’s true. Previously before he took ill I was only just able to start looking for work after years of not being mentally able. And now I’m saying that I am fit to work again but after so long out of work I’m not sure even where to start let alone tell the person that is supposed to be helping me find work what I want to do.
This life now is a more scary place. I’ve had people who I thought were friends not even come close to me in so long and new friends who I seem to of driven away with my grief. It’s vicious circle and one that I don’t see a way out of.
This life that I have now is not the one that saw myself in. It’s one that I didn’t pick. But unfortunately it’s the one I’ve found myself in. Lost and confused and not able to truly talk to anyone that understands what it’s like to loose the love of your life.

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