Skip to main content

I’m struggling


I’ve written a few blog posts about how things are for me at the minute. But I need to admit to myself more than anyone. At the minute mentally I’m struggling.
There have been a lot of things happening lately that have got me questioning who I am and what I’m capable of. There have also been life events happen that I wish I didn’t feel so alone during. I should say I do have family around me but yet things have happened that I wish I had my hubby around for or even close friends to sound off to.
I walked through a city centre today and all I could thing was how much I could feel how fast my heart was going. I had constant triggers and even trying to calm myself down wasn’t working. The constant anxiety about things I could and couldn’t control got on top of me.
The negative thoughts that are so prominent in everything I seem to do at the minute are tiring and each day it feels like it’s taking a bit more effort to get through. My flat is a mess and I’m even struggling to get motivated to eat and eat well.
I’ve let myself and hubby down with regard to money and what he left me. And it makes me so mad that I couldn’t logically see what I was doing but the grief of the last three years took over.
I haven’t been creative in what feels like such a long time. I have no want or desire to do anything  yet I know I have something coming up that I have to work towards but there is nothing. It makes me sad even more that I cant even find the want to be creative.
I have a couple of volunteering jobs happening - one that I hope can be paid work at some point, the other I’m really not sure about and it makes me uneasy. But I’ve said I’ll give it a try even if it’s only for the trial period that has been assigned.
There has been two babies born this week and another birth from last month that I’ve only just found out about and two deaths this last week and it’s making me miss my hubby even more.
I’m dreading things that are coming up that are some what outta my control and feel like there is a fog lingering close by just waiting to fully take over my thoughts and take hold.
I don’t see a way through this at the minute. I’m just trying to carry on.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sales/wish list

Like many I will be doing the sales this year. But it won’t be till the end of the week (let’s hope there is stuff left) A girl can dream right, the presents that weren’t received or the things you have your eye on hoping they come down in price. For me going into 2018 there is a few things that I would like to see if they are in the sales or at least within budget due to getting money to spend. I’m going to start a fresh with 10,000 steps a day so a new set of headphones would definitely be needed as the ones I have I spend more time trying to keep them in my ears than listening to anything. I think I would also love a new jumper as I’m known for wearing the same ones until they hole. I so really need to find new things to listen to as well. With a specific present i got I’m wanting to buy a ring that can wear everyday. The money was from my grandparents and we lost my gran the middle of the month. So something to wear that reminds me of her I think might be nice. I used to alw...
Post a Comment
Read more

Physical books vs kindle

where do you stand on this question? Physical books vs kindle ? For me I’m a physical book person but can see the benefits of kindle. I love walking into a book shop and seeing all the different types of book that are available. The colours, sizes, designs and even smell makes it more appealing. Feeling the crisp pages of a new book and knowing that you will be the first person to read that, to me that is what it is all about. With a book that you can hold you aren’t worrying about the battery running out. You know that you can just pick it up and start reading. There is also something very satisfying about finishing a book and seeing it closed in front of you. Don’t get me wrong I know that having a kindle has its advantages. You don’t have to carry a extra book around in your bag for one. And that if you do finish one book you don’t have to wait to get to the shops to get another. But does having a kindle really make it feel like you are reading a book? I guess the question wi...
Post a Comment
Read more

Alone in a crowded room

   Being alone in a crowded room is something that I have been struggling with for some time. I could be sitting with a table of people and feel like it’s just them that’s at the table and that I’m not part of the table.    Would anyone notice if I got up and left ?    You try and start a conversation and the answer is giving to someone else and you aren’t even looked at when a reply is given. And with that you feel like shouting HELLO I’m here. It was me that asked the question. Are you even aware of what your doing ? Do you not see how it may look ? OR is it just my head trying to make me feel like crap. Because if it is it’s doing a really good job.     The noice gets louder and it’s sounds just like one person and not about 30. The want of putting your fingers in your ears and trying to make the sound that little bit quieter.   Sitting alone in a pub and you feel like your being judged but also very much alone. Do you interact ? ...
Post a Comment
Read more