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I’m struggling


I’ve written a few blog posts about how things are for me at the minute. But I need to admit to myself more than anyone. At the minute mentally I’m struggling.
There have been a lot of things happening lately that have got me questioning who I am and what I’m capable of. There have also been life events happen that I wish I didn’t feel so alone during. I should say I do have family around me but yet things have happened that I wish I had my hubby around for or even close friends to sound off to.
I walked through a city centre today and all I could thing was how much I could feel how fast my heart was going. I had constant triggers and even trying to calm myself down wasn’t working. The constant anxiety about things I could and couldn’t control got on top of me.
The negative thoughts that are so prominent in everything I seem to do at the minute are tiring and each day it feels like it’s taking a bit more effort to get through. My flat is a mess and I’m even struggling to get motivated to eat and eat well.
I’ve let myself and hubby down with regard to money and what he left me. And it makes me so mad that I couldn’t logically see what I was doing but the grief of the last three years took over.
I haven’t been creative in what feels like such a long time. I have no want or desire to do anything  yet I know I have something coming up that I have to work towards but there is nothing. It makes me sad even more that I cant even find the want to be creative.
I have a couple of volunteering jobs happening - one that I hope can be paid work at some point, the other I’m really not sure about and it makes me uneasy. But I’ve said I’ll give it a try even if it’s only for the trial period that has been assigned.
There has been two babies born this week and another birth from last month that I’ve only just found out about and two deaths this last week and it’s making me miss my hubby even more.
I’m dreading things that are coming up that are some what outta my control and feel like there is a fog lingering close by just waiting to fully take over my thoughts and take hold.
I don’t see a way through this at the minute. I’m just trying to carry on.

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