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Myself


Something I watched recently got me thinking. Thinking about me and how I see myself compared to how I’m seen by others.

Now I know a lot happened to me three and a half years ago that has inevitably shaped me now. It has given me a label of ‘widow’ something that I never thought I would have so young in my life. People who knew me before compared to now know me as two different people in respects to the way I am around people and how I deal with life.
Yes I was bullied at school and have struggled with anxiety and confidence my whole life but now it almost feels like it takes on a new level. A level further back in what’s important. There has been a lot more happen now that defines me.
I’ve hidden away, I’ve cried for long periods of time. I’ve subconsciously unfortunately been resolved to the fact that this is my life now. Widowed at 32 and struggling to really know who I am. - I’m still struggling with that now years later.
I look at photos before all that happened and I don’t recognise that person. There is a light behind her eyes. There is a sense of happiness and now photographs since I see a huge difference. The light I feel is gone from behind the eye. There is bags under the eyes from tiredness. Brake outs that happen more regularly on my face that just seem part of life now.
To people I’m now the lady that lost that guy that used to work in the supermarket that all the customers loved. The guy that used to swim for Scotland back in the day. But I’m the one that has anxiety and self doubt but doesn’t show it because she keeps it well hidden so that no one truly knows how much life is affecting her.
I’ve shown people glimpses of the way I am now and they’ve turned round and used it against me. Old friends don’t truly ask / or listen when they ask how your doing or even make the effort to just simply message and ask if your ok.
Me / myself is something that feels like it’s aged so much more than I have and has now to deal with the effects of it and the new life I’m in yet wishing that the old one would come back because it is missed. Or wonder what life would be like now if things hadn’t of changed so drastically.

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