A Little Bit of Me

We all have them. On the outside the scars that can be visibly seen. Whether it be from breaking a limb to unintentionally cutting your finger. Those scars are there as a reminder, they tell a story. Some people maybe happy with there external stories but what about those of us that have internal scars that don’t talk about there stories. Everyone has a past, times in there lives that have been hurtful. Times that we wouldn’t wanna relive but those are the scars that form us, As someone who has dealt with bullying, mental health and the constant battle within myself to believe in me and not give up. It’s the constant battles - the tears, anxiety, fear etc that have formed my scars. I know that if you were to look inside me now my body would be a map of the scars. With the different thickness being how much it affected me. What I’m trying to say and probably not great, is that we may not show it but we all have scars. Externally or internally. My scars internally have been a buil...

please excuse if the following text doesn’t make sense. I wanted to capture what it was like while in an attack. I walk into the pub and the anxiety just hits me like a run of bricks. (I’d been fine right up until I got into the pub) The racing heart with over riding fear. Make it to the toilets and hide. The overriding urge to just lock myself in a cubicle and ride it out or just to try get out the toilets and leave the building. Restling with thoughts of everyone is looking at me and that I’m not good enough wash over me. The fear of judgement. The inner battle feels like it’s gonna end up like a war and the battle sides are being drawn. I eventually make it out the toilet but walking into the main part of the building, where all the people are is makes my legs start to shake. The feelings of anxiety are building to such a point I think it’s gonna end up a panic attack and that makes the fear more. I try to find a place where I’m sitting away from everyone else but close enough ...

  Is it strange that one question can put the fear of god into me. Yes I have the new place and yes as of  tomorrow I will have wifi. The fridge freezer isn’t set up and I have no washing machine. But everyone is asking when am I gonna move in. I thought the hardest part about moving on would be giving up the old place, yet I feel it maybe now actually moving into the new. I’ve been living with my folks for ages and one now not so subtly asked so when do you get power in the new place?  And then a look to me that told me everything I needed to know. I always said I would do a gradual move in. Go for a night maybe two and then build it up from there. Mentally I don’t think going straight it and feeling so overwhelmed would be right for me. It’s a place that doesn’t feel like mine and that I think that isn’t helping either. To move into some where that doesn’t have him and doesn’t feel like mine is hard. How do you explain that to someone when they ask if you’ve moved an...

Speaking to someone who is going through there own grief at the minute, something they said hit home with me and made me sad that they were thinking it. “ if I don’t go to sleep at night it means waking up and realising they aren’t here just might not happen” I have to say that it is so very true. The darkness and lieing in bed by myself,  then waking up in the morning and not having just that minute lieing looking at them feeling so content are the hardest and without truly wanting to acknowledge it it is one of the hardest parts of loosing someone. Even if I don’t get to sleep till late my brain still wants me up at a time when it thinks I should be up. So working only a certain amount of  sleep has become common. The dark nights, lieing trying desperately to sleep my brain goes into think mode and makes me over think everything whether it be large or small. There is only so many times you can listen to the same few audio books without knowing them word for word.

  So today is the day. The day that I gave back our keys to the place we rented. To see every room empty feels like in some way displays how my heart is feeling.   For all that I have said to everyone that’s asked if I’m still at our flat. No it didn’t feel like a home since the paramedics were in that fait full night. To see it with nothing and to walk away was SO hard. Could thing the sun was out so could hide my water fall of tears that started as soon as I shut the  car door. That made it final.   The new place is just the same layout but doesn’t feel like I’m just moving to some where exactly the same. There is boxes and bags every where and trying to decide what stays and what goes is the next stage.  I’m so scared that it’s just gonna feel like a widows flat, that I’ve just switched flats and everything’s still the same. I want me to come through in what I own and if that means shopping for new things. Then guess it has to be lol   The life we h...

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? How do I say it ?   I’ve been toying with what to write next. Do I say about the mixed emotions of this week leaving “our” place and starting out on my own. Because that scares the crap out of me. And I’m fed up of every one telling me it’s the right thing for me, the next step. How does everybody else know what’s good for me when I’m still working it out? Or do I say how the fight to stay in control internally is taking its toll. Negative vs positive is a constant daily battle, sometimes hour by hour.   How taking time for myself and realising I really do need it means I feel that I have to justify to everyone as to why I’m not doing anything, and just looking after me. Or how even a trip to the shops makes me feel like I’m being totally judged and feel that everyone is staring at me. I have total anxiety that something will happen. How do I say that I want to be out in pu...

Well today’s the day. All my stuff gets moved and then the empty shell of a flat is seen. And it feels like seeing it will represent me. Empty. The weather isn’t the best as I write this. Grey and over cast seems only right for today. Trying to be positive and see the good of it. As everyone keeps telling me, the new place is a new start. It will help. It feels like I’m turning my back and walking away on the life that I had. I look at my scar on my arm and am reminded that it’s part of my life. The pain of trying to b Erin control when everything around you is just so different. There has to be something for that gut feeling of seeing all the things you own getting taken out of your home one by one, and sometimes in pieces for it to majorly pull at you heart and make an even harder day harder. Did I want to take one second and scream that It was all to much and that I wanted it to stop. Of course I did I’m human. Did I play so much candy crush that I got bored of it. You guesse...

Born : 1983 Star sign: Virgo Marital status: widowed Mental health issues: depression, anxiety and ocd (and everything that comes with it) My Mental Health is a huge part of me and something that effects me day to day. It’s a constant internal fight that could go either way dependent on how I am. Was diagnosed nearly 8 years ago after telling a nurse that I wasn’t able to do the one think that I loved doing - draw. Turns out I’ve had loads of traits throughout school and adult life that weren’t picked up on. And meant that I had to suffer / get through life struggling with everything that was thrown at me but it seemed 100x worse. Yes I’m on medication and my dosage has gone up and down throughout this very long journey that is life. I’m not embarrassed to say I’m on meds for mental illness, more embaraced for the people’s looks that I get when I say it. Like everyone that suffers I do have triggers and new ones that keep appearing. It’s learning how to deal with them when a...

Is self harm a sign of weakness ? Like many probably, I saw self harm as someone struggling and not truly able to communicate so turned on themselves. That may be naive I admit it, but having not had any dealings with it growing up I’m only going off the way it is perceived in film and on tv. For a few weeks I have been dealing with thoughts about self harm and actually doing it. The bad thoughts trying to over power the positives. I came to the conclusion it was for an inner release that I was wanting to do it. Just to be able to have the control of it and not have it truly take over me. I was wanting / struggling to deal with the emotions of everything that was happening to me and around me. It was getting to much and at the time it felt like maybe just maybe doing it would release some of the pain. I tried for so long, professionals asking if I’d thought about self harm and my answer was always no. It had never crossed my mind. But as things really started to build and I felt l...

 Credit to someone on twitter for the heading to this blog because it got me thinking WHAT IF LIFE WAS A DREAM AND DEATH WOKE YOU UP Thinking about it, what if death was the beginning of your actual life and the lives we have at the minute are the test to see what we get in the next. If that’s the case I would SO not want such a hard battle with mental health. I would still accept the challenges that it brings and maybe just maybe be stronger with it. But after fighting it for so long undiagnosed and then diagnosed I feel like it’s prepared me well. Would anybody change anything about themselves if life was a dream? Would you honestly make yourself thinner, like the personality that you have, have a big amount of friends of a few close ones? If death woke you up would you really worry so much about everything and everyone? I don’t even know if any of that made sense but seeing the post on twitter earlier today had made me think and I hope that I’ve been able to make my tho...

Written at 01:18 when my brain wouldn’t let me sleep Mentally I am SO tired. Everything takes a fight at the minute and I’ve lost mine. The daily battle to not let my anxiety, ocd and depression and even grief are taking their tole and I feel like I’m just walking about in a haze sometimes with it.  I don’t know who I am. Everything keeps happening daily and I am just a shell of me.  I don’t know what I’m doing with life. I’m fighting a recent battle with thoughts of self harm. I haven’t had thoughts since before I was diagnosed. That’s how I know things with me aren’t great. No one take the time these days to talk. No one asks how I’m doing. Or even want to spend time with me. I’m gonna end up in my new place and alone. Don’t get me wrong my family are around me but it’s not the same. Life is a daily battle. And a question of whether I would be missed if didnt make the effort to do life.

To say that these last few days have been hard mentally is an understatement. I’ve had so much mixed emotions that I had to play out and in some cases fight. It’s not until you properly have to look at things around you that you see how alone you are, even with family around. The hurt in my heart and the longing to stop the feelings of dread at times took over. With the negative thoughts of self harm rearing there ugly head just to get the pain to go away. I’m glad to say I won the internal fight not to harm, so that was one to me. I hate having to explain why I make the effort to go away each time a birthday or anniversary comes around or that why I just can’t make it like any other day. Because I need time to myself it’s seen as an issue that some people just don’t understand. I’ve come away from the last few days more tired than when I left if that’s even possible.

Something that I have always struggled with and I think I’m not alone with it. Is that with having mental health problems comes a feeling of being alone. The negative thoughts in my head telling me that I’m no good to be around, that no one wants to be friends. I see other people with friends around them and yet I feel like I have no one to turn to. With my thoughts telling me that my issues would cause a problem and that’s why no one has stayed around. I repel rather than attract people. The fear of saying the wrong thing and being judged is also an issue that ‘haunts’ my thoughts. Anxiety, fear and low episodes. Being quiet, struggling to communicate and not a lot of interaction sum up me. What I wouldn’t take to have people around to talk to. To distract me. And to except me for me and know that if I go quiet it’s probably an internal fight going on in my head. Doing things that could be done with friends but I’m going by myself or with family isn’t the same. Sitting by myself...

So I’m moving in the next couple of weeks and one of the things that is not worrying but playing on my mind is that my new place is gonna be a ‘ widows’ place. I’m scared that this next chapter in my life is gonna be always known as someplace that a widow stays. I know it may sound silly to read that last paragraph but for me it is the fear of not knowing “me” once I move. For not having anything in the property that is about me. Because having that will mean that he is no longer around. That everything I buy for the place from now on is gonna be my taste and not compromising to make it for us both. I’m going in not knowing what I like and don’t like truly. It’s gonna feel like someone else’s place and not mine and that’s sad. So until I work it out it stands that I am going into my new place with a lot of the stuff that I bought or given when I was married and that’s the wat it has to be.