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Self harm - honest

Is self harm a sign of weakness ?

Like many probably, I saw self harm as someone struggling and not truly able to communicate so turned on themselves. That may be naive I admit it, but having not had any dealings with it growing up I’m only going off the way it is perceived in film and on tv.

For a few weeks I have been dealing with thoughts about self harm and actually doing it. The bad thoughts trying to over power the positives. I came to the conclusion it was for an inner release that I was wanting to do it. Just to be able to have the control of it and not have it truly take over me. I was wanting / struggling to deal with the emotions of everything that was happening to me and around me. It was getting to much and at the time it felt like maybe just maybe doing it would release some of the pain.
I tried for so long, professionals asking if I’d thought about self harm and my answer was always no. It had never crossed my mind. But as things really started to build and I felt like I wasn’t in control the thoughts got stronger and the power of the pull got more I admit I struggled.
Lifting boxes as I packed I got a scratch on my arm and that seemed to be the response to the internal fighting. I would use that mark as cover. Did I feel guilty about it ? No! Have i done it again? Yes! But only on the place that the box marked. Did it release the inner struggle? Surprisingly Yes!
I don’t see it as being a battle that I have to win. It was a time when I needed to be in control.

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