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How do I say it ?


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How do I say it ? 

 I’ve been toying with what to write next. Do I say about the mixed emotions of this week leaving “our” place and starting out on my own. Because that scares the crap out of me. And I’m fed up of every one telling me it’s the right thing for me, the next step. How does everybody else know what’s good for me when I’m still working it out?
Or do I say how the fight to stay in control internally is taking its toll. Negative vs positive is a constant daily battle, sometimes hour by hour.
  How taking time for myself and realising I really do need it means I feel that I have to justify to everyone as to why I’m not doing anything, and just looking after me.
Or how even a trip to the shops makes me feel like I’m being totally judged and feel that everyone is staring at me. I have total anxiety that something will happen. How do I say that I want to be out in public but I don’t want to be out in public.
   My councillor told me I was strong and that I was doing really well considering everything that has happened. How do I say to him. “ I may seem strong but inside I’m screaming and trying to get my words in the right order to make a sentence enough to verbalise how I’m feeling. It seems I’ve got so good at not saying that when it comes to saying it’s harder than ever.
  How do I say that at it has come to light that I need extra support in building up my life (confidence etc) That I don’t truly even know who I am as a person.
That most days I feel lost within myself as to what I’m doing and where I’m going with my life.

There is so many ‘how do I say that’s’ in my life that it’s just part of life.

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