A Little Bit of Me

Ive been relying on the help of housing benefit for a while and it’s only now as I’m looking for a place as a single person and not as a couple am I realising how much I’m loosing out on “good” places because I need the help. Why is everyone on housing benefit branded with the same lack of trust. I pay my rent each month. I don’t smoke or drink. I don’t have any pets. There has been no issues for over 7 years. Yet I can’t even see a lot of places because people don’t want the hassle. So there houses sit empty and people like me need to look else where.  Rant over 

I was watching a programme about a guy with Asperger and it made me think about me as a person. What my traits are and how I deal with everyday situations. I don’t have Asperger but I can relate to a lot of the things the guy was saying and how he coped in daily life. I have always been slow at understanding things that are said to me. If things need to be explained it’s better to give me a visual example rather than verbal. It took me a long time to learn the time on a clock (what the numbers = to the 24hr clock etc ) Until a couple of years ago When I was diagnosed with discalcular - maths dyslexia so imagine all the problems with money extra I had growing up. And still do to date. My hands work a lot of the time whether it being working the tips of my fingers or working them when I talk they are always moving. It takes a lot for me to concentrate on one thing. My brain seems to wonder to other things or I start something else. It’s a pain when you want to do something in a le...

From going from not having ibs to having ibs has been a struggle to find out what I can and can’t have. Things that I have had previously to now not being able to without knowing where the bathroom is and can I get to it quickly. Some of the things that have turned out as being an issue I have been ok with changing. But some things are just hard to get rid of. It seems that ice cream is the issue of the moment which isn’t the best news. But guess it’ll have to be cut. The gluten free foods available seem to be ok. Tried some and liked them, with others not so much. I know Ive not tried everything and am still trying things to see whether they agree or not. I could call my bowl every name under the sun but it’s not gonna get me anywhere. When it says no thanks I’ll just have to deal with it.

Like others in the past I have tried to watch what I eat, other times I just give into it. But recently I have been trying to make more of an effort to eat healthier but also have what I want at the same time as that I feel is what’s right for me. But yet as I buy things there is people around me that tell me that what I want isn’t right, It has to much sugar etc Because of the society that we live in people are all for watching what they eat, counting calories or not allowing them selves to have what they want to eat for fear of feeling fat or not likening the way there body’s are. We don’t let ourselves enjoy food, It’s either seen as to much or to little. I haven’t always enjoyed the best relationship with my body but as of recently there has been a change in our situation. But yet woman of all generations still feel like they have a way that there   bodys should be and judging how others are around them. For young girls growing up now and in the future how do we explain to t...

It’s something that I’ve been wondering over the last few months. Having conversation with the job centre made me wonder a lot of things. I’m seen as able to work but don’t feel able. I have done shift work in the past and that really made me low. I’ve done 30+ hours and felt like I was cracking up. People say I should be working but the thought of getting upset or triggering during a shift makes me anxious. I am known for putting on fronts saying ok when inside I’m really upset or worried or anxious. It has been known to result in it building up till one time it all gets to much. I should be able to handle things that happen. It’s part of life, it’s everyday. There is rituals that are happening and I wonder why? Why do I do these things? People thinking that I’m coping because I’ve got so good at hiding. I don’t feel like I can find the words to fully communicate. Mental blocks. I may look like I’m doing ok on the outside but inside there is battles constantly.

For as much as I love the autumn months I suffer from SAD (only diagnosed year ago) the darker nights/morning really are hard when all you want to do is curl up in bed or comfort eat most of the months away. Even more chances for rain, hardly any leaves on the trees and the clocks changing at the end of the month. I don’t know how it effects everyone else but my mood drops. There is a struggle to get motivated or sometimes even get out. I find that things I have been doing, routines etc are pretty much non existent. For as much as I try to stay on top of it it seems like a constant fight between me and my brain. If I don’t manage to do things then the anxiety kicks in so it’s a viscous circle. How do you explain to family and friends what’s wrong and when you try to all they do is look at you like your making it up. Just an excuse to not do something. Comfort eating seems for me to be a given this time of year. There is something about finding a distraction/comfort in food when you...

Due to o2 priority’s well timed chance to buy flowers I decided to get them for myself on what would of been the week of my wedding anniversary. I’ve always loved flowers whether that being getting them from someone (my late husband) or treating myself. So the chance to get flowers sent through the post was something that I’d found interesting. I don’t know about anybody else but I love autumn and the colours that it produces so the chance to have autumn flowers as my arrangement was lovely. I have to say that after a slight hick up that was the carriers fault the flowers arrived and had my parents fair confused as to how many I was actually getting for the price. Impressed by the packaging is an understatement. The fact that the instructions come on the lid I liked. One less bit paper that had to be put in the box. The flowers were packed really well top to toe, meaning that for such a small box there was actually a lot within the box.  The colours and mix of flower...

The weather put a big old boot in my plans for today. A day that was gonna be hard. I should be celebrating my 7th anniversary today but yet I’m having to go through the day without my best mate by my side. He died last year and this wedding anniversary is the second without him here. I had planned to go away for the day, a day that would be self care (shopping, food etc) but the heavy rain made it a no go. The day has been one of mixed colours in the sky and heavy rain and wind. Outside looked like I felt inside. I have to say that also added to my mood for the day. It had been decided that me and a family memeber would go to the cinema and to be honest I’m glad we did. For 2 hours it was the distraction that was needed. And im glad the film was good. Mind you even if it wasn’t good I wouldn’t of minded. Going to the cinema wasn’t the distraction that I thought I was gonna get today but at least it’s better than nothing. There is always the rest of the week to make more of an...

Question for this blog......... Can beauty advent calanders help with self care with our mental health? I’ve never had a beauty advent calander, I’ve always gone for the chocolate version but I’m starting to wonder whether paying that bit extra and buying a beauty advent calander would be the right way to go. Self care has always been something that has been pushed by health professionals since I got diagnosed and I’m just wondering about having something different everyday would make me focus a whole month on me when traditionally I might not. I follow all these brands on social media and seeing them getting ready for the Christmas market it does get me wondering about spending more time on me or whether it would just be spending money on something that is produced with the sole purpose of making us pay over the top amount during the “festival period. The two previous paragraphs as I have written them are good vs bad of my own question. Isn’t it funny how writing something out c...

I have always been into photography, the ability to see something within something else and capture it. The ability to capture a moment in time and have it last forever. My one regret with my husband is that I don’t have a lot more moments caught in photos. The random moments that could be captured. With the photos that I have taken it is a process of then going through them and picking out the ones you want to print and then having them sent away and it is just all a waiting game.  I wish that I had got and instant camera and printer to make the moment last. To have that memory quicker and there to look back on sooner. I don’t know about anybody else but as family members get older around me I start realising that you have to make the most of the times you do have with them. Life is just to short. The memories that are captured will last forever. Don’t get me wrong I love the photos that I do have ( i’ll some day get them into folders) I’m now just realising the benefit of hav...

So at this point in my “recovery” I am back at cbt and trying to get my head around me. Taking it later by layer. Page by page what ever you want to call it. I am trying to get to a point where I can understand why I do the things I do. I’ve always said that I am not trying to “fix” me I am trying to understand and adapt to what is there. The cbt that I’m having works with the idea of a little me and it’s about letting her come through and to not out the barriers up that mean she doesn’t get to speak. It’s got to the point that after every session I’m more tired than I went in. I know that’s doing me good going to the sessions I just feel that it’s hard to fully open up sometimes. It’s about letting my support guard down and showing the vulnerable me and that scares me because I don’t know what will come out. Ex: last session it came out that I’m scared to be by myself in a place of my own. That I should have my husband with me on this next stage of life’s journey yet I’m doing It...

Next Monday should of been my 7 year wedding anniversary. Yet I bacame a widow just before my 6th. To say I’m not looking forward to Monday is an understatement. My beautiful husband lost a long hard 9 month battle with cancer. (His second time of having it) and to say I don’t miss him every day is an understatement. Mentally I don’t know if I’m ready for yet another thing that he isn’t here for. People say that the 1sts are the hardest. The first year without him, anniversary’s and birthdays etc. But I have to say for as much as they were hard it’s the 2nds that I find more hard. The realisation that that’s the way thing are gonna be from now on. Self care is definitely gonna be happening on Monday but as to what I haven’t decided. I have to look after me. 💜 you J x

Never has a day seemed more appropriate to talk. To start a conversation and ask how someone is doing, it may be what’s needed that day to help that person. Nearly 7 years has passed since my diagnosis and what Ive realised is that people don’t speak about it. They don’t ask how you are doing ? They don’t just take the time to listen if you want to chat. And the is a real shame. There might be people out there that just need to know there is someone that is willing to listen. Whether it be a family memeber, friend or a stranger at the bus stop. I know from experience that there has been a certain group of people that are willing to ask how I am and that is people that suffer like I do everyday. If they weren’t too ask then no one around me would ask how I’m do8ng mentally and that just isn’t right. The silence is sometimes what makes it more harder mentally. Please as someone that suffers with mental illness 24/7 I ask you to start a conversation with someone, ask if they are ok. ...

So as part of my exercise I try and make 10,000 steps a day. Some days/weeks are harder than others but more recently I have bee managing to complete the task. Which for someone that isn’t that into exercise is pretty good going. I have to admit though there is a bit of an obsessive edge to me trying to reach the steps. Even on the bad days I do try and get myself out or it will get to me when it shows the results than a lot lower than I want.   I record my steps on my phone using the app Pedometer  ++ I really like the app. It shows the daily result in a graph and if you hit your target it sends green confetti down your screen. The app works on a traffic light system. Red, Amber, Green with green being the colour of the confetti. It also shows it in miles and the equivalent in the amount of stairs (I haven’t found out how to do the steps part on my phone) It also has an Achievements part which gives stickers for the sections that are reached.  You are al...

Is it ok to feel that I’m not ready to work yet when I have people saying I should be ? -it’s been over a year and a half since I was main carer for my late husband. I should be doing something with my days. Guilt, fear, anxiety the three main words that I associate with this thought. How’s the flat search going? - one question that honestly puts the fear of god in me. I haven’t been back and stayed in the flat I shared with my husband since he died but as yet I haven’t been fully looking for a new place just by myself. For as much as I said that the old place didn’t feel like home after the paramedics had been in it was still our home for 6 yrs. (The whole time we were married) Living your life as if any day could be your last. I keep saying that if my husband taught me anything then it was to live every day if it was your last but trying to do that for me there was also guilt for it everyday. Booking wee holidays so that I could see different places in the world. Being prone t...

When everyone else is asleep the noises of outside definitely become more louder, more pronounced. My head seems to come more alive and is willing to fight me to get to sleep.  The darkness seems to bring more negative, more gloom. It brings alive the darker aspects of my brain. It sometimes feels like the fight between good vs bad. I used to have audio books that played till I fell asleep so I could distract my brain and try and let it shut down but since my machine decided to reset itself I have lost the battle.  I don’t know about anyone else but darkness brings anxiety, the unknown. Falling asleep brings the unknown.  Ok it REALLY does sound like I’m gonna have to try and win the fight tonight 

Ever get those feelings that you have no friends and no one actually wants to see how you are or spend time with you. I feel like I’ve always struggled to make friends. Right through out school I didn’t have a group of close friends. It was easy for me to walk alone at breaks and lunch. I could disappear from the outer rim of a group chat with no one even noticing. Tonight as I write this my brain is having the fight me that I have no one. And to be honest it is winning the fight. No one is reaching out to see if I want to do anything or plan anything. And honestly I wouldn’t know who to reach out to to suggest the same. I guess you could call me a loner and to be honest that makes me sad as I do just wanna know people. Does that sound silly ? Because me reading that back my head is shouting at me telling me it sounds silly. Actually it sounds sad and desperate.

Is it ??? I’m the sort of person that would rather wander about in just a tshirt or a zipped hoodie. Don’t get me wrong I do own a waterproof but the feel of something of that weight and texture on my skin just do next sit well. I don’t have a coat for ever season. I don’t have a favourite jacket/coat that is the one thing I can’t live without. I understand that it rains and is bloody cold in winter but I just put up my hood on my jumper. I haven’t found the “right” jacket/coat. I have to really like it to want to wear it and that can be hard for people when they are trying to suggest something for me to buy. Or not so subtely suggest that I should look for a coat/jacket.  (@that comment I usually give a role of the eyes) when they think I should be wearing one instead of my jumper.

Irritable bowel syndrome - can make things in daily life really more unbearable. In some instances it can change days, even mood. Today is one of those days and it all started at the back of 7 this morning. It has left me in bed all day and really not feeling the best. What’s different about today is that I was sick with it. Just the once but it along with the ibs has made me sleep on and off all day. Anxiety about even taking my medication resulted in me not taking them till early afternoon. How do you explain to family around you that you just wanna curl up and sleep throug it??