Skip to main content

today 16/10/2017


The weather put a big old boot in my plans for today. A day that was gonna be hard.
I should be celebrating my 7th anniversary today but yet I’m having to go through the day without my best mate by my side. He died last year and this wedding anniversary is the second without him here.

I had planned to go away for the day, a day that would be self care (shopping, food etc) but the heavy rain made it a no go. The day has been one of mixed colours in the sky and heavy rain and wind. Outside looked like I felt inside.
I have to say that also added to my mood for the day.

It had been decided that me and a family memeber would go to the cinema and to be honest I’m glad we did. For 2 hours it was the distraction that was needed. And im glad the film was good. Mind you even if it wasn’t good I wouldn’t of minded.

Going to the cinema wasn’t the distraction that I thought I was gonna get today but at least it’s better than nothing. There is always the rest of the week to make more of an effort to look after me.

EDIT : So it is 00.01 and I’m struggling to sleep. The wind is blowing a hooly outside and my brain is remembering the dream that I had last night that woke me up gasping for breath and really upset.
The dream was so real that it has obviously made my brain go into defence mode as to not make me feel like that again.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Self care during the good and bad days

So something I've learnt over the last 6 1/2 years since being diagnosed and the death of my husband that self care really helps during the good and bad times. Over this time I have tried many things and found what does and doesn't work for me.  https://www.thebodyshop.com/en-gb/range/view-all/tea-tree-skin-clearing-facial-wash/p/p000039 This stuff has been great for my skin. I got the 400ml bottle and my goodness it is worth the money as you really don't need a lot. And then smell for me is a really calming smell which also helps.  http://uk.loccitane.com/shea-butter-hand-cream--travel-size-,83,1,29776,1030671.htm   I've tried a lot of different hand creams previously and was recommended to try them from here. To say I was impressed was an understatement. It covers so well. You really don't need a lot and it really works on dry hands.  It may seem a bit pricy to some but i think it's worth it for the way it left my hands feeling.  Carmex lip
Post a Comment
Read more

Not in the best head space.

So turns out I’ve been battling a mental health episode for at least a three months if not longer and I haven’t been aware. Before anyone questions why I didn’t know what was happening it’s because I typically don’t see what’s happening until I’m at a point that someone goes “WE NEED YOU TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE” It builds up slowly and manifests to a point that I’m really in a negative head space. I’ve learnt this time and the hard way that everything that I thought was happening wasn’t. It was my anxiety and grief having a fight off and I was the looser. Not to forget the ruminations of things that might happen or I might do ( some of those thoughts are hard ) Insomnia Panic that I’m seeing things out corner of my eye that aren’t there Negative thoughts - not good enough etc  Real bouts of sadness Not really wanting to eat - snacking  Racing heart Believing things are wrong with me when they aren’t  Those are only a few of the things that I have been dealing with that I am aw
Post a Comment
Read more

If this week has taught me anything

If this week has taught me anything it’s that the grief monster can hit at any time and totally floor you. That three years feel like just yesterday. And that there is people around to give a hug when needed. So last night in the midst of volunteering it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears started and it took me a long time to proper calm myself. I’d manage to tell the coach right at the start of the night that i was struggling and that it had been a hard week. That it felt like just yesterday that he’d died and not nearly three years. I’m lucky with the fact that the coach I work with also was my husbands coach so that in itself is a help. I’d managed one class and was more than half way through the second when a shot I threw was called rubbish and one look to the other lady that coaches with me and I was a mess. If I hadn’t of already been sitting on the floor I think I might of ended up there. Luckily for me she also knows my history and shouted on the main coach who got to me
Post a Comment
Read more