A Little Bit of Me

Well it’s something I never thought I’d write but I hate the snow. We are in the middle of a red weather warning and there is thunder and lightning snow storm happening. And to be quite frank as much as I like seeing the lightning the grumbling of thunder and the snow rattling of my window is not doing anything for my anxieties. I did have a programme on during some of it but now I’m lying in bed in the pitch black, with only those noises happening and I can tell you it really isn’t the best feeling. Just waiting for something to come crashing into my window. It’s all good during the day, yes it’s been showers on and off all day and everything has been cancelled but it was light and people were awake. I could easily distract myself. It’s sounds so silly writing all this down. The white stuff is great to watch (from the inside) but being out in it again sets of the anxiety levels about what might happen. Scenarios playing out in my head about what if this happens, or what if this happ

Who am i ? .................... Do I know who I am ? .............. Two questions that are subconsciously in my thoughts every day. Since getting diagnosed nearly 8 years ago I thought I had some answers. All the unanswered questions that I need answered. Knowing something wasn’t quite right, the way I managed things day by day. It gave me the answers but also some more questions as to why things weren’t picked up on sooner. Two and a half years ago I became a full time career and that was a role that I didn’t question. I just got on with it. But then after he died the unknown started again. I was a widow, it came with its own self questions. What do I do now? One that has not yet been answered because I REALLY don’t know the answer. I was a widow at 32. Diagnosed with mental health issues at 27 those are two things I never thought I’d be writing. For as much as I don’t want my mental health to define me. I feel like some times it does. When you have to explain why you are

 When I don’t have the will power to fight what my head wants. And I know I’ll suffer for it later mentally and physically. These last couple of weeks I admit were not the easiest when it comes to being good to myself. I was in the cycle of I want it I eat it. Even if it didn’t give me enjoyment. So the picture above represents a not to bad day. But I so wish it was better.

I bought myself a health magazine as I have always liked the broad mix of topics that are within it. But reading it I find myself confused as to what actually is best for me. Should I be having one thing and not another? What’s best for my ibs? What’s best for my age? They are just three of the questions that I have at the minute. I’m on medication for my mental health so how does that effect my body. I’m prone to swollen eyes with the swollen but filling with gunk. I know that I’m not the best eater and that I should be better but I’m not going to follow something that causes triggers because that won’t help. So in that respect I know I need to be happy with it and understand what I am doing to me. I just don’t fully understand what is best for me without reading something that sounds preachy and puts me off doing it.

I went to my sisters place for a few days just so she had some company while her partner was away. She didn’t know at that point that I had had a really bad week mentally last week and that it had left me questioning a lot of things about myself not all of it good. So to get a change of scene and away from what was triggering me was the best thing.  Isn’t it amazing how being away from all the things that are “everyday” things to you helps you see actually what you need in life and what you don’t. I had become so engrossed in a battle with my thoughts / anxieties and rituals that were forming that I was amazed how little of it had while away. And how easy some came back when I came back home today. The calming influence of a new house and the cat they were looking after seems to be what was needed. I haven’t any of the rituals to the excess that I was. And the calmness that is my brain at the minute is surprising as it shows me how bad I have been. Being away also made me realise

  Taken on iPhone 7

Feeling alone in a crowded room Not being acknowledged when you ask a question  No friends  Does anyone know how low I really am?  Struggling to sleep  Gotta put the face on that says everything is ok Life goes on and I feel like standing still A MASSIVE liking for junk foods  Lack of praise People just assume I’m doing ok. I’ve got so good at putting a face on that says that I’m doing ok day to day that people just don’t ask now.  Sitting in a crowded place whether it be a shopping centre or family house you can totally feel alone and that no one wants to talk to you. Even asking a question the answer goes to someone else within the room. DO YOU EXIST ?  When you ...................... Oh I don’t know it’s just a rough couple of weeks 

“The event has been created to celebrate the city in a "more peaceful and reflective mood" than the bustling summer festivals.” - bbc news         I have to honestly say I was a bit disappointed by the “show”. These 6 images were the best of what I could get. On in three locations, St Andrew square, Assembly Rooms Lane and The Mount Precint from the 8th February to 11th March. Edinburgh knows how’s to usually do shows but I didn’t see the point to this one. The hanging lights were good when they played / when they were lit but the abrupt Switch off after each section was met with an “aww” from those of us amongst th lights.  Assembly Rooms Lane had images projected onto walls that like everything else were on timers. Separated by a wall between each down one side of the lane. I managed to get to this area when it was empty and that was best because I got full on photographs, I don’t know what the images taken would of been like if the lane was busier. 

A Costa Book Awards Winner 2017, A Sunday Times Bestseller,  “Funny, touching and unpredictable” - JOJO MOYES Eleanor Oliphant leads a simple life. She wears the same clothes to work every day, eats the same meal deal for lunch every day and buys the same two bottles of vodka to drink every weekend.  Eleanor Oliphant is happy. Nothing is missing from her carefully timetabled existence. Except, sometimes, everything ......... Not in a long time has a book got me laughing out loud in the quietest of places, and having friends around me asking the borrow the book after me. As the synopsis tells us the story is about Eleanor Oliphant. Someone who lives life doing the same things every day. Has the set routines that she follows and doesn’t really interact with people at her work if she doesn’t have to. It shows how she doesn’t always think before she speaks and has a very different way of words from the people around her. You know she has a history, that there are issues, her dr

This week hasn’t been the best in a very long time.  I started the week good, finally having the want to try and draw my husband and then had the crazy decision to post it on social media. Something I wouldn’t of had the confidence to previous. Getting compliments on it and my abilty definitely made me smile. Then getting another compliment from a guy that I respect about how well I am with my mental health was another step forward because I thought that it had been letting me down. Valentines - something that me and my husband used to get involved with. With it not even being two years since he died the feelings of being alone and really sad with it were really hard to handle. I even ended up crying in the car which isn’t like me at all. Needless to say trying to sleep that night wasn’t the best. Over thinking during the night (imaging things that weren’t there) Finding out on Thursday that councillor is leaving the service and that instead of the number of meetings I thoug

I knew the day would be hard but I didn’t expect to be crying in car to a song on the radio. Social media is a lifeline for me, and has been for a long time. And I knew it would be all over every where about love and being with the ones you love. I now that the day is just a gimmick to get us to spend money. You either like or dislike the day. Walking around a supermarket and I felt my spirit getting smaller within. And yes before anyone asks I did visit the sweet aisle and considered cookies. But thankfully my head saw sense to that. Have to admit I did have a slice of cakes with lunch. Did I enjoy it? The answer is NO Yes I made it out the house. yes I may have a face that looks like its been slapped by a fish, and cry at songs on the radio. I will now probably sleep because at the minute that’s what I feel like doing, how ever much I get judged by those around me or by myself my body is telling me it needs it. Hope everyone is having a good day and if you do celebrate I hope yo

I have always struggled with confidence when it’s come to my drawing ability so posting on line to a group of people I didn’t really know was a huge deal for me. Have them see the lastest price I’m working on and being so vulnerable with took a lot of effort. So after doing it there I new I could do it here. Derwent gray and white procolour with charcoal.

How would you answer that question if it was put to you ? .................... For me I go through phases of really not being sleepy till well into the next morning. And those around me really don’t understand why I’m struggling to feel tired at a “reasonable “ time. I have not always been like this. I used to manage to go to bed early and get up early. Meds etc have a lot to answer for plus the fact that my head has got a lot going on inside it apparently. I’ve tried going to bed early and I wake more than once during the night. Again I try going to bed later and wake that little bit later but don’t feel rested. It’s a vicious circle when I get like this. I know I should be asleep but it’s like my brain has other ideas and makes my eyes ping open and leaves me looking into the pitch black and not liking it. Setting a night routine doesn’t help when this happens because it just makes me more angry at myself for not being able to settle. When I’m not like this I have some what of

Growing up I was never one to get anything valentines related. I gave once in primary and got laughed at so it put me off from then on.  I used to see people around me during high school get and receive it just concluded what I new, I wasn’t popular - well that was my teenager thoughts of the time. Seeing all the shops selling there products, making a big deal of couples for the day made it feel like it was someone’s birthday and all the love was for them as couples.   It wasn’t till I got with my husband and he made a big deal on that day that it felt like it was for me as well. Getting to go into those shops that made such a big deal each year previous that I had avoided and buying something specific for valentines at that point was always a big deal. I always left smiling.  Since my husband died Valentines is now just another day for shops to up there prices for products that just have some extra hearts on. It still gets to me that I’m not buying for my hubby again but Febr

I have followed Simon Thomas’s story since the news broke that he had lost his wife to cancer. His honesty about it all is SO admiral and I hope him writing about it is helping him as much as it is helping others. But it is his latest posting that has really struck with me.  https://t.co/GHR7vUoYQ7 To be so vulnerable in how he writes of before and after his wife’s death shows real courage. And I hope that people reading it that are struggling find the strength to speak up. My story although nearly two years down the line some days still feels like yesterday. All of a sudden one night out of the blue my husband started fitting. (He didn’t have seizures) He had been unwell for a month but none of us expected that one night to change our lives as we new them. So 10+ seizures of differing scales and he was admitted into ICU. He was only in there for maybe 24hrs (that bits a bit fuzzy) We got the news that the brain tumour that had plagued him in his teenage years was back and it loo

   So it’s not been a bad day at all until I was told that the tea I had made was to dry and now that is all I can think about.   “ you can’t make tea for anyone else, You know that you can’t.  People are judging you for not doing it right. They won’t say what you could of changed “ The day had been ok. I’d managed to get myself out the house, had lunch at a cafe that I liked. And get the messages for tea. But that one comment has changed my mood for the rest of the night. Now anxious about getting sick because of tea. Even though I know I did nothing wrong but it still doesn’t stop my head going into over drive. I hate how my stupid anxiety shows it’s ugly head at the simplest of things. It really gets tiring

   I’m 34 and have been using the same brands for a long time. I’m aware now that my skin is changing and I want to give it as much help as I can. I have to admit I’m pretty naive to what out there and what I would be best using. At the minute I only use minimal products but I don’t know if that’s the best or if I need to be using more.  I’m also aware that I need to be using spf a lot more but would love it if it wasn’t just sunscreen that I could find a moisturiser with spf in it. I know this is short but at the minute it’s all I have

    Getting woken up by a face time from a parent SO means your getting judged for being up at the crack of dawn like them. He beat my alarm by 2 min   When you give yourself a talking to and promise yourself something if you get the jobs done you know that are hard it actually works. #goodday    Being back some where you would rather not be makes your heart REALLY heavy. It’s like it’s just stopped in time. But it hasn’t and like goes on.    Apparently going to the shops without a jacket on will get you asked where your jacket is and why haven’t you got it on. Yes it might of been snowing of late and -5 last night. BUT today really didn’t feel that cold. And to a women that has had customers all morning telling her it was cold out to see someone in a tshirt was a bit strange. (Good thing being strange right ? Lol)    It takes forever to get a new phone. But now the proud owner of iphone7     The Darkest Hour is a really good film. If you didn’t know who the lead was you really

   What I learnt today ..................     That getting out a freshly washed bed is the hardest thing on the planet, especially when it’s been snowing heavy over night and makes it look like mid December not the first full week in February. Silence apart from just a ticking clock is worse during the day than hearing an owl hoot at night and liking in complete darkness.The sound of a clock just goes through you.     Catching up on tv programmes while curled up on the couch is all well and good but when the screen hits a certain angle and you see your reflection, it REALLY does make you think about the way you look when your looking back at yourself. Those thoughts lasted with me most of the day and resulted in me eating a bar of chocolate as I pondered.     You should always have a tv programme or music on while dusting. In this case NCIS LA. Playing catch up is the way I seem to be doing things these days.      Apparently when your struggling with thoughts and not doing anythi

   Been working on things this morning and catching up on tv programmes. There is no else in at the minute so when it’s silent it’s REALLY silent. Working on my tablet means that there is a very clear image looking back at me when the tablet is at certain angles. And to honest I don’t know who it is looking back at me.    Tried self care this morning, which helped for a short period of time but my reflection is getting to me and has now got me thinking (on over drive) about how I look. Do I like what I see? Can it be changed ? And who am I really. I think because my hair is tied back off my face it isn’t helping but it needs a cut and wash so its staying where it is.     I might go and trying something to distract my overactive brain. Maybe some more self care (might need to buy some new beauty products to give me something else to focus on) There is also the want to go and get chocolate.     Isn’t it funny how doing / seeing one simple thing can change how you view yourself or t

  I started watching a programme about a guy who managed to loose a LOAD of weight and is trying to get a group of people to do the same following what he did / still does. I really wanted to watch this programme so taped it so that all the episodes were together. As soon as it started playing and the guy started talking I decided the programme wasn’t for me. For a guy to now be given a programme showing others how to do the same it felt wrong because it felt like he was just getting the show because of his name. “ I did this so it’ll work for you” “like me ......... is the way as I was previous” The programme for what I watched just felt like it was some one else jumping on the band wagon of counting calories. A programme that I thought might be good has put me off watching it through to the end and will probably delete the other episodes as well.

   Being alone in a crowded room is something that I have been struggling with for some time. I could be sitting with a table of people and feel like it’s just them that’s at the table and that I’m not part of the table.    Would anyone notice if I got up and left ?    You try and start a conversation and the answer is giving to someone else and you aren’t even looked at when a reply is given. And with that you feel like shouting HELLO I’m here. It was me that asked the question. Are you even aware of what your doing ? Do you not see how it may look ? OR is it just my head trying to make me feel like crap. Because if it is it’s doing a really good job.     The noice gets louder and it’s sounds just like one person and not about 30. The want of putting your fingers in your ears and trying to make the sound that little bit quieter.   Sitting alone in a pub and you feel like your being judged but also very much alone. Do you interact ? Or loose yourself in your phone to make the

 Its hard to believe that that is a month down already. Like many I tried and failed to set resolutions (even when I said they weren’t actually resolutions - I seem to fail that way)   I always seem to struggle in January whether it be mentally or physically but mostly mentally. This time is no exception. Grief mixed with anxiety and depression aren’t a good mix. I’ve had a cloud over me all month in various shades of gray / black. I’m sure if we had the chance to hibernate like animals a lot of us would. It’s hard to get things done when you have no energy and just want to do nothing.    The month brought a few days that I’m grateful that I did instead of saying no thanks. Who new the  panto of Cinderella would bring a days worth of smiles. A gin party among family and friends was another good night. Surprisingly sivalised for the bunch of people that were there lol     I’ve managed to carry on my volunteering and art class which makes me happy. Familiar faces and not being judged,