A Little Bit of Me

So here’s the thing. I don’t like exercise. I do one exercise class a week and that is it. The other exercise that I do is walk. For a while I was matching my target for steps each day, allowing myself days where I wouldn’t worry if I didn’t make it and sometimes forcing myself to go out. Even when the willing wasn’t there. It became my ocd challenge that I had to keep. I had to see the celebrity way my phone reacted when it reached target. One day changed that and I lost the will to start from day one again. It had gotten to the point where I was disappointed in myseof. I had broken the routine of it. My mental health took over that one day and had changed everything. (So my head was telling me) So began the cycle of not willing to reach target the next day or the day after that. That turned into a week. Looking at my chart of how my count was doing looked pathetic in my eyes because I hadn’t even got anywhere near. 5 days ago the count started again and I’m hoping I can keep up ...

where do you stand on this question? Physical books vs kindle ? For me I’m a physical book person but can see the benefits of kindle. I love walking into a book shop and seeing all the different types of book that are available. The colours, sizes, designs and even smell makes it more appealing. Feeling the crisp pages of a new book and knowing that you will be the first person to read that, to me that is what it is all about. With a book that you can hold you aren’t worrying about the battery running out. You know that you can just pick it up and start reading. There is also something very satisfying about finishing a book and seeing it closed in front of you. Don’t get me wrong I know that having a kindle has its advantages. You don’t have to carry a extra book around in your bag for one. And that if you do finish one book you don’t have to wait to get to the shops to get another. But does having a kindle really make it feel like you are reading a book? I guess the question wi...

So I'm just back from a few days away and to say I wasn't expecting my anxiety to flair would be a lie. Right from the off there were things that were triggering me and I hadn't even left the country yet. Managing the airport was better than I thought. The fact that I'd checked in before hand REALLY helped. But to say I wasn't bothered by the sheer volume of people would be an understatement. (Larger crowds always brings hightened anxiety and makes everything 10x worse)  Me being me I was there with LOADS of time to spare and try and not feel like everyone was staring at me. Luckily I got the chance to move my seat from in the middle of a three to the window that way I could see outside as well as inward.  Being met at the other end by family was a massive help because as soon as I saw them it felt like a weight had been taken off me and they could now carry it.  I will say that I did manage something pretty massive for me and that was to go out by mysel...

I have always struggled with telling the time. Changing between the 'normal' time and the 24hr clock has always made me struggle. I am a very visual person so hearing things and try to work it out has always been an issue. Clock faces that don't have the numbers on them take me longer to read. I need a clock face that has the numbers on it in any form.  Trying to work out a times for cooking is just a no for me. I can be seen standing in front of the clock on the wall counting and visualising. Even then i need my answer double checked.  I'm 34 and is still a struggle 😞

So something I've learnt over the last 6 1/2 years since being diagnosed and the death of my husband that self care really helps during the good and bad times. Over this time I have tried many things and found what does and doesn't work for me.  https://www.thebodyshop.com/en-gb/range/view-all/tea-tree-skin-clearing-facial-wash/p/p000039 This stuff has been great for my skin. I got the 400ml bottle and my goodness it is worth the money as you really don't need a lot. And then smell for me is a really calming smell which also helps.  http://uk.loccitane.com/shea-butter-hand-cream--travel-size-,83,1,29776,1030671.htm   I've tried a lot of different hand creams previously and was recommended to try them from here. To say I was impressed was an understatement. It covers so well. You really don't need a lot and it really works on dry hands.  It may seem a bit pricy to some but i think it's worth it for the way it left my hands feeling.  Carmex lip ...

In one of my earlier posts I said that I have anxiety with flying. Well tomorrow it gets tested again and there is a slight build up subconsciously already. I will be flying on my own. So going through the airport and security will be interesting. I won't be allowed (I don't think) to use what I use when anxiety is bad - I carry something in my handbag that if I need it at all I can take it out and work with it. If my brain is true to form there will be triggers and times I will need to give myself a talking to. I want to be able to get excited about going abroad and not let my mental health get in the way. I'm getting met at the other side by a family member so it isn't like I'm doing it all by myself ( that anxiety comes in December when I do go on a trip by myself . But that's a whole other post)

I've only recently been diagnosed the last year with IBS and it is horrible. I'm writing this while in bed because I really don't want to move. Are my anxietys heightened when I'm out because of it? YES Do I feel self conscious with it ?  YES Does it get me down? YES Don't get me wrong since being on medication for it it has helped but there is still times when the medication just doesn't have an effect. And at the point it's the 100m dash to the loo, hoping that I make it. Luckily I haven't yet (touch wood) had full on spasms with it. So one of the things that was recommended was going gluten free. I have to say I haven't stuck fully with it because I was told I didn't have to but for the most part it's gluten free I go for if I'm out. It is slightly dearer but if it means that I'm not having to leave for the loo 5min after I eat something that disagrees with me then that's the way it has to be. There has been an instanc...

it's building up to be one of those days that I have been trying hard not to have to many of them. The guilt that goes with it unreal. The realisation during eating what I've bought and then the disgust in myself because of it. You see it wouldn't just be one bar of chocolate it could be two and possibly a medium size bottle of juice. I have no energy to do anything today and just want to sleep. The weather is horrible meaning the gray over cast day isn't helping my mood. Let's see how the day unfolds Edit: Today was a comfort eating day but not as bad as I thought it was gonna be. Don't get me wrong it was still bad but it could of been worse.

Ive always been able to drink water but after a while it becomes boring. I try to get the recommended amount of fluid in me a day but I go through stages where I rally don't drink enough. I drink flavoured tea and a small amount of fizzy juice, which I wanna not have to rely on. It's just getting in the habit to drink more fluid during the day. I know my skin would benefit from it now that autumn is upon us. It's just the thought.

I've always loved jewellery. It has to be silver, always silver. For me gold just isn't jewellery which is a shame because some pieces I have seen that I really liked have been in gold. I'm not a girl that likes fancy over the top pieces, simpler the better. I have made jewellery and sold it at events in the past. And wear a few rings but lately I have found myself wanting some new pieces. I've got bored with the bits I have (excluding my wedding ring) and feel I want a change but I don't know where to start to look. It's also the problem of finding thing that fit my wrists or go over my nuckles. I see other people's jewellery and like how people can wear different versions together and other people wear only a couple of pieces.  I think it shows the persons personality by what they wear and the way they wear it,

I've always been a toy boy. I wear jeans every day and haven't worn a dress since my wedding. For me it a case of I just wanna be comfy. I am not known for shopping for clothes. To me that is torture, I mean there is only so much you can try on before your heart sinks and something you really wished fitted actually doesn't because your not deemed 'normal' size and not classed as over weight. I'm a size 20+ on top and 18 on bottom and see trying to find things I like, I mean actually like really gets me down. And when that barrier comes up internally there ain't know more trying on getting done. In my younger years it was always bigger sized the better to cover my figure. Now I'm slightly better but sometimes covering up is what's needed. I have an issue at the minute trying to find new jeans to wear and see the anxiety with it is actually quite annoying I mean it's just jeans. But it's the not knowing now where to start looking for jeans t...

When you look in the mirror what do you see? ............... dependant on the mood that can be any number of different things for me. I could see a 34 yr old widow who lost her husband. A female that has curly hair that most woman would love (so I've been told) or dark blond hair, fair skin and blue eyes. To me I'm a 34 yr old widow missing her husband and finding some days harder than others with the pain of missing him. I see someone that even thow she says she wants to find a new place to live is struggling to get rid of the place that she and her husband shared. I see someone that has dark circles under her eyes and a double chin. I also see someone that is good at hiding how she is really feeling. That when the anxiety is bad feels totally out of control and sometimes lets it get on top of her. When the dark cloud comes over my mood can drop and I really just don't want to do anything. I see someone really wanting to be that little bit fitter but is struggling to ...

I was doing so well. I was walking 10.000 + steps a day for 18 days straight and one day changed everything. And now i can't seem to get the consistency back and it's annoying because that run had been the best I'd done ever. The allure of sweet food is slowly kreeping back as well and it's not good because I was trying. I hate the fact that I can't cope when things change, when my mood changes slightly everything that I have been doing well with sticks its finger up to me and basically says we're putting you back to square one.

So for a long time the audio HARRY POTTER books have been my life line at night. They have been the noise that I needed to help calm things when the anxietys got to bad. Or when my late husband got taken into hospital. It may seem silly to some reading this that audio books help with anxiety and mental health but in my case it does and in the case of Harry Potter I've lost track of the amount of times I have had each on repeat when the nights got to dark.  Well tonight I don't have that. The device I was listening to them on has reset itself and I've lost them all. It may seem silly but it feels like another part of my husband has gone as it was him that put it on my device for me as they new it would help.  My anxietys are building and I think it might be a long night. I feel so sad that it's gone from the machine that it was on. It sounds stupid I guess but it felt like part of me. Each night falling asleep to to books playing in the back ground. 

It's 00.42 and I can't sleep. I go to London in the morning and I'm wide awake, I usually listen to an audio book so that I am not just having silence but what I'm listening to is dieing and not having the noise is making me aware how much i reliy on it for playing at night. Silence just makes the thoughts come and the fight seems never ending. It has been joked many a time that I should know the audio books that I do listen to word for word which maybe true but who doesn't love a bit of Harry Potter. I never used to listen to anything at night but my husband got to me into it and then it made me realise how much of a help it was and not having it is a hinderance. Why is it mental health seems to be worse at night ? The quiet and darkness is horrible for the thoughts going round and round in my head.

I've been wondering for a week and more what to write next in regards to blogs. I could review something that I've tried or could I could say how I'm struggling with my mental health. But at the minute none of it seems relevant. I'm due to go away for a few days as of tomorrow and I'm not as excited as I should be. Doing things that would make me happy but even the thought of going there isn't appealing. Medication has a lot to answer for. It got upped a few weeks ago and I'm dealing with the effects. Looking in the mirror and I don't know who is looking back if honest. I would love to try new things to review but I just know what to do?

So I have only flown once by myself previously and will be flying by myself in a few weeks and then again at the end of the year. I have real anxiety issues about it, about things happening to the plane and us on it. Even going through all the check gates departing and arriving make me really anxious. The thing is  I know I have nothing to worry about but trying to tell my head that is another story. I try distractions and that works to a point but I feel that I need more. Don't get me wrong I love going on holiday and walking around the airport with everyone else heading to there destinations. There is just something about it.

Its a year and 6 months since you left and there isn't a day that I don't miss you. Your stupid impressions, your ability to make everything feel ok when it wasn't,  You had such a calming nature about you and I miss it. I miss getting lost in the sea blue of your eye and telling you you must have been a girl in a past life by the length of your eye lashes.  As it draws closer to my birthday we would of been planning a day away just you and me. Something to look forward to. But instead I'm left with the heaviest of hearts because it is my second birthday with out you here.  So much has happened, and l know you would of been at the centre of it just being you.  I miss you x 💜

I liked the contrast in textures between all three I like the effects, when takin in black and white  Grain in the wood definitely adds character Contrast  Dead and alive  I liked the shapes of the twigs 

well my birthday is in 6 days and with it the test results of a family member that will change everything from then on. I selfishly don't want my birthday to be also the day we got the news but i don't have that say. As I've said previously I've always got mega excited on the run up to and the day of, but I fear like out side my window at the minute the dark clouds will roll in. Me and my late hubby always used to go away for the day for our birthdays and I'm gonna do the same this year but it's with an ache that he is not around to make me feel a whole lot better. Nothing is gonna be the way I want it on the day and that makes me sad. I don't even think there will be cake. To me birthdays are surprises, cake, a meal of your choice and maybe treating yourself. Let's see how much happens and how much is forgotten about