A Little Bit of Me

I’ve lost who I am. After years fighting mental illness and then being a carer and then dealing with grief. I can honestly say I don’t know who I am and what I wanna do with my life. Yes I volunteer twice a week. Yes I do an art class BUT more than ever i feel that it doesn’t define who I am. Because I can’t even say when asked truly who I am and what kinda jobs I would like to do. Or what I’m doing with my life. I’m in a place by myself yet it doesn’t feel like a home. I’ve lost my way in life and don’t even know where to start to get it back. People are looking at me for answers to questions that I can’t give. Because I don’t know me. It’s strange to be in a body / be in this life and not be able to say this is truly who I am meant to be.

The prospects of finding work after so long scares me. But I’m at a point now that I’m ready to try find something. I’ve been out of work for 9 years due to mental health, being a full time carer and latterly grief. So to be at this point after everything to say I need to work to get some money to live is a huge step for me but it’s one that fills me with dread that I wound find something. I feel lost in regards to what I actually want to do. My c.v is retail but I would ideally want to get away from that but I can’t say what I want to do. I do volunteering twice a week working with people with special needs and do an art class once a week. I’ve got to a point in my life where I’ve been through so much and want to try something new. I wasn’t happy in my last job and ultimately it cost me in every aspect of me. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I know this sounds like a cover letter to a cv but I needed to get it out of my head and admit to myself that I’m scared and lost as t...

I’ve always been an over thinker. It’s who I am. But see since I ended up on my own again it’s back worse than ever. It’s got to a point that I’m not even aware I’m doing it. But since I got pulled up by a couple of friends about doing it it has 1. Made me more negative about myself and the way I am perceived and 2. Made relationships different. The negative part that fights with me tells me that because I’m widowed that no one wants to be friends. That new or old my over thinking about how I’m seen will and has cost me. That I have a sign above me that warns people away and that I constantly feel like I have to apologise for being me. Because my stupid over thinking brain tells me I’m not good enough. Relationships have always been an issue. I struggle to feel accepted when someone looking at what I have and who I am might think that I’m doing ok. My inner voice is mega phone shouting but your not good eneough for there friendship that your meant to be alone. My over thinking may ...

Nearly three years into this new life and navigating the grief I have and everything it throws at me has been an emotional battle. One I find hard to believe I’ve got through so far. Back story - I new subconsciously as soon as my husband ended up in intensive care that we weren’t going to win the battle that lay ahead of us. You see my husband had been unwell for a while before that night and I could see it but not what was about to happen. So 9 months after a very hard fought battle he lost his fight and that’s when my world changed. We hadn’t been blessed with children - he had had chemotherapy when he was in his teens so we didn’t actually know if we could of had kids. So I don’t even have part of him that lives on. I suffer from mental health issues and am on medication for it. And to be honest I think that those meds have helped in entirely a different way than what they were meant to. In my head I’d already said good bye to him months previously so when the time came to me...

Value principles or standards of behaviour; one's judgement of what is important in life. "they internalize their parents' rules and values" synonyms: principles, moral principles,  ethics , moral code, morals, moral values, standards, moral standards, code of behaviour, rules of conduct, standards of behaviour "society's values are passed on to us as children" I’ve been working recently in a class about who I am and what I stand for, what are my values. It’s a topic that when I started the class I couldn’t honestly say straight off what were the values I have as a person. What it’s I stand for.  And over the last six weeks of the class it has got me thinking more and more what I am about and what I stand for.  I can say though that what I would of said where my values when I was a teenager are definitely different to what they are now. And even after loosing my husband I would say my values have chang...

Why do I write these blogs? I write them to make sense of the world i now live in. A life that I didn’t choose but have found myself in. I go through so many emotions getting my thoughts onto here. Saying things that I probably wouldnt say out loud. I fight to stay in control and to try and understand me. The me that now more than ever feels lonely. The me that is so lost when asked what job she wants to do. The me that is scaring people off because I am starting to actually speak out about my mental health and the grief that I have. I’ve been told I over think things. And yes they are probably right but when you try so hard just to get through the day sometimes over thinking just takes over. So in my world of feeling lonely and fighting with my mental health and trying to work out who I actually am I write. Something which I have never done before. To me each blog feels like a diary entry to a stage in my life where I’ve fought to get through. I’ve found that when my creative / d...

After an amazing night last night. With things happening that because of the new coaching that me and another person are doing means our players have improved so much. The simple process of speaking to my mum on the phone about it, and a passing comment from me about not having any one at home to talk to it about set me off on a flash back journey to the last 24 hrs of my husbands life. From seeing all the health professionals around him, his final ride down the corridor changing wards to sitting over night with him for one last time. And both sets of families arriving early in the morning to be with him. Lieing in bed in the pitch black with an audiobook (the 3rd Harry Potter book on repeat at the min) on to try and distract me and all I could think was what if I’d done that differently?? If you’ve read any of my other posts you’ll know that my hubby died nearly three years ago. The flash backs aren’t as bad but I do still get them. And when I do they are hard to fight. It still f...

The one word that puts the fear of god into me. I don’t do any sort of exercise and I know I’m suffering for it. I’ve never been one of those people that has been keen at anything sports related.  It always comes in stages. I will try something for a while and then my brain goes NOPE. I’ve no one to be accountable to. I don’t even see it as being accountable to myself. More recently I’ve been wanting to do something but not have it about doing exercise but about getting stronger. Because I fight mentally everyday I feel that physically I should be strong. As I write this my brain takes me back to bullying at high school. So it shows where my heads at with it. Exercise / getting / healthy is just another fight and I guess I’m saying I don’t have the fight to make it a priority and that’s sad. I would love to get back in the water - but the fear of being judged is stopping me. I would love to at least try a games of tennis or badminton without feeling like I’m rubbish. I would lo...