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PTSD flare up


After an amazing night last night. With things happening that because of the new coaching that me and another person are doing means our players have improved so much.
The simple process of speaking to my mum on the phone about it, and a passing comment from me about not having any one at home to talk to it about set me off on a flash back journey to the last 24 hrs of my husbands life. From seeing all the health professionals around him, his final ride down the corridor changing wards to sitting over night with him for one last time. And both sets of families arriving early in the morning to be with him.
Lieing in bed in the pitch black with an audiobook (the 3rd Harry Potter book on repeat at the min) on to try and distract me and all I could think was what if I’d done that differently??
If you’ve read any of my other posts you’ll know that my hubby died nearly three years ago. The flash backs aren’t as bad but I do still get them. And when I do they are hard to fight. It still feels so real.
It feels like it’s a film stuck at the same bit and is just repeating its self over and over. Needless to say today I’m tired. It takes all my emotional energy having to relive everything. The images are still playing @ 1505 but are just like flashes. I got a well done this morning from someone in a meeting because I’d managed to get out the house but had no colour and looked deflated apparently.

So to anyone else that I might have dealings with me this week and I’m distant or off please don’t take personally I’m playing out this horrible film that’s taking everything from me.

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