A Little Bit of Me

The heading was something that was said to me after I had been at an exercise class and was complaining out loud that I wasn't able to perform one of the moves that was being asked of me. It really got to me as I had been trying to do it for months but I couldn't get my head round what I was supposed to do to execute the move. "But your not sporty are you, " I had been trying to get more exercise into my routine and then to have that said to me by a family memeber stunk big time. You see I would rather go for a walk than go and do a surkit at the gym. I was trying to more and it. Trying a new class that was testing my anxiety levels to the limit. Life got in the way and I didn't make it back to the class but I wouldn't love to know if I could do the move. Or at least part of it. There is always a big part of anxiety trying any sport, any new class. The thought of being judged and judging myself against others. That is when the mental health takes a knock. ...

I write these blogs as a way for letting out what is trapped in my head. The mental health stuff mainly comes on a day to day basis and the reviews come as I tentatively try new things. Loosing my husband over a year ago made me realise how short life is. So I decided that maybe I would try this and see what came of it. They me not be the best, I may write it as I would speak it (even that doesn't make sense sometimes) but for me it is something to focus on that isn't what's going on in my head and is giving me something to focus on. So I'm up for trying new things and reviewing them if it helps me grow in confidence. I will get slightly obsessed with pluggin it on twitter and if I loose followers then fine. I'm just trying to be heard and if that annoys then bye. The obsession is part of me and I can't always contain it.

It's 9.17 and today just seems to be one of those days. My head is starting to fog with the chance of thunder. I don't know what to do with the day but am wondering if there is some rituals starting to happen that I need to keep an eye on. Got bad news about someone I know yesterday that's knocked me. I feel like people are coming in and taking over from things that I am doing. That it's self is making me pushed out a little. Not able to concentrate on anything for long periods of time. Wanting chocolate. And knowing that I have to keep up with the exercise I have been doing will make for an interesting day.

so as it nears September my birthday is getting closer and the sadness with it.  As in my previous blog a family member gets important test results and it's the second without my husband. I have  always been a person that gets hyper about there birthday and always looks forward to it. This years it just makes my heart heavy. My mental health is making a dark cloud come closer and part of me just wants it to come and that is sad. There will be no surprises. It will just be another day. There probably won't even be a cake. 😔 Even the thought of treating myself to something isn't appealing. It's a sad state of affairs when I dont even wanna make a big deal.

The obsession is real. It's tiring, you get annoyed with yourself when you finally realise what you are doing and it takes up so much time in your day.  I obsessive compulsive disorder and have had since I was a child. It was undiagnosed till 6 years ago and I turn 34 next month. There is always the want to check, check and re check. For me it's in 3's.  Something as simple as checking that I have everything in my bag - phone, keys etc can be an effort. To whether I've put the hand break on in the car and locked the door. I have been known to walk away from the car and walk back to it from half way down the car park.  It feels like a form of panic, a heavy negative feeling that if I don't do it then something will be wrong.  It seems worse and certain times compared to others. With times that I thought it would be at its worst it wasn't. So for me any way it's very hit and miss in that respect.  Its got to a point that I'm obsessing about th...

At the minute considering everything else that is happening around me my mental state is good. I've reached 10,000 + steps everyday and even with a couple of niggles I have managed 6 days straight without dropping below. It would of been longer if for the one day that I hit 9,600 and that day annoys me if I'm honest. This is the longest amount of consecutive days I have gone reaching or aboue target ever. I don't know how long this 'good stage' will last. It gets to me slightly because i am anticipating the drop and it isn't coming. This is new territory for me in regards to walking everyday. I know it's gonna take its toll but I'm hoping that I can get through it. And it will help to my mental attitude about my body as well. Long may the good days happen.

Some gluten free biscuits I feel loose there style and flavour but not these ones. There spicy ginger biscuits are amazing. I'm so glad I've found this brand. And am desperate to try more. I love a buiscuit with a good crunch and these certainly do have that. The after kick lasts for a good while after you have actually finished which I like. They are very more ish as well which is always a good sign of how good a biscuit is. I have only been able to try one of the flavours available as it was an hours round trip to find these ones. I like the package design, the mix of cardboard and plastic work well and the box shape makes the company prouduct stand out - ( it was the mixture of colour and design on box that caught my eye) Is it worth it's price - yes I think it is. Will I be trying more - yes if I can find them.

Is that a silly header ? To me it's not. It's how I feel about it. I just don't have a clue about it. I've never been one for wearing makeup, only on special occasions. And even then I really don't know what I'm doing. Don't get me wrong I don't mind watching videos about it on you tube and I know some of the more well known brands but take me to a store and ask me to buy things and i will just stand and stare and look like a right prat. I wouldn't go and admit to a shop assistant in a store that I need help for the fear of being judged and laughed at. I mean I should have a rough idea what I'm doing right ?? I go and look in shops at bigger named brands, go and stand in there respective sections and I feel like I'm intruding. That I should step away from those areas. Just looking at all the products overwhelms me. All I see is colour and not makeup.

Sitting having a muffin and a drink in a shopping centre and watching the world go by. Well that is what it seems to someone who looks at me. Inside my anxiety is at a point where it could go either way. I totally feel like everyone is staring and judging me. I feel like there is a spot light right above my head and the light is on full. Am I the act of the day? Conversation inside my head of - it's you they are looking at. There judging you sitting there by yourself. Do I have something on my face that I don't know about?  Do I look silly? Are they judging you for what your eating, drink, the way your dressed, your hair? Judgement, fear, tight chest, fidgety, questions - words related to everything to do with this scenario. My obsession with counting things for reassurance has started so my brain is obviously trying to cope. But oh my god it is tiring. A want/need to disappear and find some place of comfort is real. I'm feeling every vibration, the noise level to ...

I was lucky enough to be born with thick curly hair that I have never grown out of. If anything the curls have got more defined. I have never straightened or dyed it either so the only damage is wear and tear from baubles. Due to my ocd and finding something that worked I didn't even really change my hair routine until recently. My sister found a specific way of washing curly hair and products that would benefit it way more than it was. (Back note me and my sister both have curly hair) So on the recommendation of what she found I changed to a sulfate free shampoo and conditioner and added a curl creme to my routine to boost my curl even more. It took a bit of getting used to doing the routine every time but the change in my hair and scalp has been more than benefical. I wouldn't go back to the brands I was using before. When asking a hairdresser I had recently how my hair was she said it was in good condition so I really did make the right choice to change to sulfate f...

Having seen these in the shops and on line I was intrigued to try. I have oily skin and opted for this one to see how it would work for me. I liked how there was the easy to follow picture instructions on the back giving the stage by stage. I don't know about you but seeing it in pictures makes it easier to understand. The packaging was easy to get into and I was able to acces the product without any problems. I did find unfolding the mask slightly tricky as there was a lot of product on the mask. It did take a good minute to try and unfold it. When the mask was on I was aware of a slight tingling and heat on my face but nothing that put me off the mask. After the allotted time I found that I was left with quite and amount of product from the mask once it was off. And it was sometime until I felt like it had been absorbed. I like how it has left my skin once it had dried. And my skin does feel nicer to the touch. I will see how my skin is over the next couple of days Would...

Having only recently been told to go gluten free I am new to all the products that are available. And I have to say I'm glad to of found Doisy & Dam chocolate. I have always had a sweet tooth, sometimes to much of a sweet tooth. So to find chocolate that I feel I can only have a little amount and feel satisfied is a gain for me. I tried the maple, toasted rice & pink salt. And I have to admit I was actually surprised at how good it was. I've tried other gluten free chocolate and not been so impressed but this tasted really good. With some 'normal' chocolate they separated as soon as it got into your mouth this didn't. I was able to suck on it and it lasted a lot longer than I expected. It's dark chocolate so there was an after taste as well as the hint of maple but it wasn't unpleasant. I love the fact that you can get small bars as well as big. It makes it more appealing I have to say. And easier to carry in my handbag instead of buying o...

So I bet I'm not the only one that is one size on my top half and another on the bottom. I find it so annoying that I can never get things that fit just right. Take pj sets for example there is some lovely sets out there but not in sets that are actually relevant to "normal" females. I've lost out on so many that I have really liked the look of because the sizing is against me. I mean why does it have to go 16/18 20/22 why is there not an inbetween? Why do company's think that doing the sizing that way is benefical to everyone? I look around at sale time and it's those sets that are left. Can the company's not take the hint?  Being top half bigger I struggle to find things in the right size for me. I mean I use the shops for bigger woman but even that makes me feel left out. I see things in other shops that I would wear but of course the shop doesn't do my size. So self esteem in that instance takes a battering. Why does being bigger mean we h...

so my birthday is next month and I'm really not looking forward to it. A family member is getting results to find out if they have a form of cancer and it'll be my second birthday without my husband. Of all the days everything happens on the day that I was born. I've always been one for celebrating my birthday. For going away for a day or two and visiting some place new. But I know that it won't be the same this year. Everyone was around me for the first birthday without my husband. But this year they are all doing other things. Life goes on eh! It's actually making me quite sad thinking about it and that's something that i never thought would happen. In the grand scheme of things my birthday really isn't that important.

So I know I'm not the only one who struggles with there diet and what's the "right" things to eat.  I've always over eaten. Sugary food growing up was comfort food. An I don't want it to be now. I would love to get passed the hurdle of relying on it when my mood dropped. For it to be something that I didn't want as much. Don't get me wrong a sweet treat every so often is good but not every day like I was doing. And it was affecting the way I saw myself and in some cases played right into the hands of the bully's at school. Having been recently diagnosed with IBS I know I have to be more aware of what I'm eating. But when the dark cloud of my mood turns up it is a hard battle. A battle that sometimes you just don't want to fight. I know I'm not the healthiest person but I am a lot better than I was. There is a longing to eat healthier. To win the battle. To feel more comfortable in myself. It is a battle that I how I will wi...

I've never been popular, I've never classed myself as having a lotta friends. Since my husband died there has been even more times that I have felt alone. Even with family around me I would feel alone. Walking down a major UK city street with hundreds of people around I would still feel like I was the only one walking down the street. The pull \ ache in my body would stir a lot of emotions that would try and reach the surface at full speed. It's a normal feeling for me. One that I have to battle with nearly every day. One that sometimes does take over and I have to admit that I some times do let it. Just because I don't have the energy to fight it. I sometimes wish that I did have more friends around, more people to make the lonley times better. But the other part of me finds it really hard to make friends. To feel that I am being accepted and that I don't have to put my defence barriers up to protect myself.

I know I'm gonna be MEGA late to this party but I want to say bravo for two of there products that I have recently found that I will be buying again. Maybe in the big size but definitely the smaller size. THERMAL DETOX MASK - CHARCOAL (can't post picture as have already used it) 15ml - £2.99 I have been trying different face masks over the last few weeks with a mixture of results. Having just tried this one I have to say I am a fan. The packaging is easy to open. It explains clearly the instructions on the back of the packet and what is actually in it. On first opening it and applying it to my face the heat that came out of it was a surprise, but impressive. It applied well to my face and the heat lasted through out. I think the 5 minute time given for it is the right amount. It rinsed off well - I used a sponge with warm water. Over all I think this is a good product. Good for a treat for yourself or to be given as part of a present. SALT SCRUB 60g - £2.00 Agai...

Until recently I have always been worried about trying new products especially for my face or body. What If I broke out in a rash or had a bad reaction? The anxiety part of me always challenging instead of just enjoying and trying new things. Things changed slowly after my husband died. It made me realise that I do only live once. There is still times with certain products that I look at and consider buying but the anxiety rules and make me leave a shop wihout buying. Take make-up for instance I have never been one to turn round and say that I can't leave the house without a full face of make up on. I usually leave the house with wet hair and no make-up. That's the sort of person I am. I won't know where to start if I did want to leave the house with any make-up on. Even though my anxiety means that I more often than not I am hiding behind a barrier, there is part of me that would love to brake the barrier down and try more things to make me feel better about myself. ...

My names kez and I'm addicted to buying notebooks. It seems really funny written down on her but yes I do have a think for buying a notebook whether it being plain or lined. It's not like I have used all that I have but yet I still buy more. It has been joked about that I might need to get a bookcase soon so that they are all in one place and not all over my flat. I buy a notebook with good intentions, whether it be for writing a journal for keeping track of my mental health or carrying around for doodling in when an idea hits ( which at the minute is very rarely ) There is two things that draws me to a new pad. Colour / design and thickness of paper. I do like a book that has a design on the front but also the plain black fronts with hints of colours on the edges. And it doesn't matter about the size either. ( THIS IS MAKING ME LAUGH WRITING THIS ) It sounds like I'm listing the qualities that I find best in a man not a notebook. Out of all the notebooks I ...

Having tried another of there products I was interested in the eye kit. Good - the packaging was easy to understand as to how the product was to be used. I liked how the actual strips came in there own package within. It meant that you weren't getting covered instantly by product. I have to say that is all I found good about this product. Bad - when first applied to the skin it felt strange against my skin. It tingled longer than I thought it should of. After the allotted time I found that when I took the eye strips of my face I was left with a red mark where they had been. As I was applying the cream I was hoping that the marks were going to go away. Thankfully they did over time. Applying the cream that is the second part to the two stage process I felt like the cream didn't work it's self into my skin. I used the eye kit at night and found that my face still felt like it had cream on it the next morning. I know other people will have different effects once usin...