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anxiety - 19/8

Sitting having a muffin and a drink in a shopping centre and watching the world go by.

Well that is what it seems to someone who looks at me. Inside my anxiety is at a point where it could go either way. I totally feel like everyone is staring and judging me. I feel like there is a spot light right above my head and the light is on full. Am I the act of the day?

Conversation inside my head of - it's you they are looking at. There judging you sitting there by yourself. Do I have something on my face that I don't know about?  Do I look silly? Are they judging you for what your eating, drink, the way your dressed, your hair?

Judgement, fear, tight chest, fidgety, questions - words related to everything to do with this scenario.

My obsession with counting things for reassurance has started so my brain is obviously trying to cope. But oh my god it is tiring.
A want/need to disappear and find some place of comfort is real. I'm feeling every vibration, the noise level to me seems loud. But I know it probably isn't.

It got pointed out to me that if I put my headphones in and became ingrosed in my phone in the middle of a crowd it might not be the best thing for me. I won't interact.
Well I can tell you that if sitting in a cafe with it busy all round me and not being distracted by something and feeling like i have a coil winding up so tight inside that if it releases its gonna be bad. Then I'll pass thank you very much.

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