Birthday week is next week 🙁

so as it nears September my birthday is getting closer and the sadness with it. As in my previous blog a family member gets important test results and it's the second without my husband.
I have always been a person that gets hyper about there birthday and always looks forward to it. This years it just makes my heart heavy.

My mental health is making a dark cloud come closer and part of me just wants it to come and that is sad.

There will be no surprises. It will just be another day. There probably won't even be a cake. 😔 Even the thought of treating myself to something isn't appealing. It's a sad state of affairs when I dont even wanna make a big deal.

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If this week has taught me anything

If this week has taught me anything it’s that the grief monster can hit at any time and totally floor you. That three years feel like just yesterday. And that there is people around to give a hug when needed. So last night in the midst of volunteering it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears started and it took me a long time to proper calm myself. I’d manage to tell the coach right at the start of the night that i was struggling and that it had been a hard week. That it felt like just yesterday that he’d died and not nearly three years. I’m lucky with the fact that the coach I work with also was my husbands coach so that in itself is a help. I’d managed one class and was more than half way through the second when a shot I threw was called rubbish and one look to the other lady that coaches with me and I was a mess. If I hadn’t of already been sitting on the floor I think I might of ended up there. Luckily for me she also knows my history and shouted on the main coach who got to me...

Not in the best head space.

So turns out I’ve been battling a mental health episode for at least a three months if not longer and I haven’t been aware. Before anyone questions why I didn’t know what was happening it’s because I typically don’t see what’s happening until I’m at a point that someone goes “WE NEED YOU TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE” It builds up slowly and manifests to a point that I’m really in a negative head space. I’ve learnt this time and the hard way that everything that I thought was happening wasn’t. It was my anxiety and grief having a fight off and I was the looser. Not to forget the ruminations of things that might happen or I might do ( some of those thoughts are hard ) Insomnia Panic that I’m seeing things out corner of my eye that aren’t there Negative thoughts - not good enough etc Real bouts of sadness Not really wanting to eat - snacking Racing heart Believing things are wrong with me when they aren’t Those are only a few of the things that I have been dealing wit...

I’ve lost who I am.

I’ve lost who I am. After years fighting mental illness and then being a carer and then dealing with grief. I can honestly say I don’t know who I am and what I wanna do with my life. Yes I volunteer twice a week. Yes I do an art class BUT more than ever i feel that it doesn’t define who I am. Because I can’t even say when asked truly who I am and what kinda jobs I would like to do. Or what I’m doing with my life. I’m in a place by myself yet it doesn’t feel like a home. I’ve lost my way in life and don’t even know where to start to get it back. People are looking at me for answers to questions that I can’t give. Because I don’t know me. It’s strange to be in a body / be in this life and not be able to say this is truly who I am meant to be.

A Little Bit of Me

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