A Little Bit of Me

We all have them. On the outside the scars that can be visibly seen. Whether it be from breaking a limb to unintentionally cutting your finger. Those scars are there as a reminder, they tell a story. Some people maybe happy with there external stories but what about those of us that have internal scars that don’t talk about there stories. Everyone has a past, times in there lives that have been hurtful. Times that we wouldn’t wanna relive but those are the scars that form us, As someone who has dealt with bullying, mental health and the constant battle within myself to believe in me and not give up. It’s the constant battles - the tears, anxiety, fear etc that have formed my scars. I know that if you were to look inside me now my body would be a map of the scars. With the different thickness being how much it affected me. What I’m trying to say and probably not great, is that we may not show it but we all have scars. Externally or internally. My scars internally have been a buil...

please excuse if the following text doesn’t make sense. I wanted to capture what it was like while in an attack. I walk into the pub and the anxiety just hits me like a run of bricks. (I’d been fine right up until I got into the pub) The racing heart with over riding fear. Make it to the toilets and hide. The overriding urge to just lock myself in a cubicle and ride it out or just to try get out the toilets and leave the building. Restling with thoughts of everyone is looking at me and that I’m not good enough wash over me. The fear of judgement. The inner battle feels like it’s gonna end up like a war and the battle sides are being drawn. I eventually make it out the toilet but walking into the main part of the building, where all the people are is makes my legs start to shake. The feelings of anxiety are building to such a point I think it’s gonna end up a panic attack and that makes the fear more. I try to find a place where I’m sitting away from everyone else but close enough ...

  Is it strange that one question can put the fear of god into me. Yes I have the new place and yes as of  tomorrow I will have wifi. The fridge freezer isn’t set up and I have no washing machine. But everyone is asking when am I gonna move in. I thought the hardest part about moving on would be giving up the old place, yet I feel it maybe now actually moving into the new. I’ve been living with my folks for ages and one now not so subtly asked so when do you get power in the new place?  And then a look to me that told me everything I needed to know. I always said I would do a gradual move in. Go for a night maybe two and then build it up from there. Mentally I don’t think going straight it and feeling so overwhelmed would be right for me. It’s a place that doesn’t feel like mine and that I think that isn’t helping either. To move into some where that doesn’t have him and doesn’t feel like mine is hard. How do you explain that to someone when they ask if you’ve moved an...

Speaking to someone who is going through there own grief at the minute, something they said hit home with me and made me sad that they were thinking it. “ if I don’t go to sleep at night it means waking up and realising they aren’t here just might not happen” I have to say that it is so very true. The darkness and lieing in bed by myself,  then waking up in the morning and not having just that minute lieing looking at them feeling so content are the hardest and without truly wanting to acknowledge it it is one of the hardest parts of loosing someone. Even if I don’t get to sleep till late my brain still wants me up at a time when it thinks I should be up. So working only a certain amount of  sleep has become common. The dark nights, lieing trying desperately to sleep my brain goes into think mode and makes me over think everything whether it be large or small. There is only so many times you can listen to the same few audio books without knowing them word for word.

  So today is the day. The day that I gave back our keys to the place we rented. To see every room empty feels like in some way displays how my heart is feeling.   For all that I have said to everyone that’s asked if I’m still at our flat. No it didn’t feel like a home since the paramedics were in that fait full night. To see it with nothing and to walk away was SO hard. Could thing the sun was out so could hide my water fall of tears that started as soon as I shut the  car door. That made it final.   The new place is just the same layout but doesn’t feel like I’m just moving to some where exactly the same. There is boxes and bags every where and trying to decide what stays and what goes is the next stage.  I’m so scared that it’s just gonna feel like a widows flat, that I’ve just switched flats and everything’s still the same. I want me to come through in what I own and if that means shopping for new things. Then guess it has to be lol   The life we h...

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? How do I say it ?   I’ve been toying with what to write next. Do I say about the mixed emotions of this week leaving “our” place and starting out on my own. Because that scares the crap out of me. And I’m fed up of every one telling me it’s the right thing for me, the next step. How does everybody else know what’s good for me when I’m still working it out? Or do I say how the fight to stay in control internally is taking its toll. Negative vs positive is a constant daily battle, sometimes hour by hour.   How taking time for myself and realising I really do need it means I feel that I have to justify to everyone as to why I’m not doing anything, and just looking after me. Or how even a trip to the shops makes me feel like I’m being totally judged and feel that everyone is staring at me. I have total anxiety that something will happen. How do I say that I want to be out in pu...

Well today’s the day. All my stuff gets moved and then the empty shell of a flat is seen. And it feels like seeing it will represent me. Empty. The weather isn’t the best as I write this. Grey and over cast seems only right for today. Trying to be positive and see the good of it. As everyone keeps telling me, the new place is a new start. It will help. It feels like I’m turning my back and walking away on the life that I had. I look at my scar on my arm and am reminded that it’s part of my life. The pain of trying to b Erin control when everything around you is just so different. There has to be something for that gut feeling of seeing all the things you own getting taken out of your home one by one, and sometimes in pieces for it to majorly pull at you heart and make an even harder day harder. Did I want to take one second and scream that It was all to much and that I wanted it to stop. Of course I did I’m human. Did I play so much candy crush that I got bored of it. You guesse...