A Little Bit of Me

“ D on’t understatement the value of doing nothing,  of just going along,  Listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bother ”                                                                              - Winnie The Pooh  

       https://the-true-me.co.uk/index.php/2018/06/26/just-be-you/ When I first read this post it spoke so much to me. Being just a couple of years older a lot of what was written could of been written by me but in the female form.  I’ve let so much define me and given myself so many labels that i have lost track of who I truly am and what I am about. Growing up I didn’t fit in and was bullied and let it define me. I have never seen myself as having friends. No one that I could turn to if I just needed a chat.  One label that until eight years ago I didn’t know I had was mental health sufferer, it’s one I’m glad to have now. It doesn’t define me but it is making me start to accept me.  I’ve tried to please everyone without pleasing myself. I hope that choices I make from now on are for me and not everyone else.  Life’s to short. 

Speaking to my counsellor last week it was suggested that something I’d done had only been one sided and that I’d put myself out there with chance of a whole lotta repercussions happening. Back story - id made the decision to speak to two people that I trusted out with the family about my self harming. Two people that I now and respect. They then new that I was struggling and could keep and eye on me and if I was quiet they knew something might be wrong. Saying this to my counsellor he told me that I’d made it all one sided, that I know nothing about them to the same degree and that it hadn’t been the right way to go about it. I came out of that session mulling over what he’d said about it and the more I think about it the more I am actually quite upset that he said what he did. I have never been one to open up about anything. I’ve kept everything to myself and felt with it internally. So for me to even contemplate reaching out was huge enough in itself. And for it to be about m

So this week everything finishes for the summer and it means a lot of the things I volunteer with are shutting for six weeks while the schools are on holiday. Growing up I always used to like the holidays. Six weeks of no school and a holiday to look forward to. And getting away for the people that bullied me and the negative thoughts that school brought. As I’ve grown older and more so latterly it has just been the weeks that I don’t have a routine of place to be and people to interact with. I’ve gotten so used to my volunteering and the people with it, it’s not till it takes a break that you realise how much you come to rely on the weekly interaction as part of your schedule. Even the art class that I go to is off for the holidays so I don’t even have that as part of my routine. It gives an unease knowing what’s coming and the uncertainty of every day. Part of me would love to look forward to it. Making so many new memories and being around friends. The fact that I don’t have a l

Two years and two months since I lost my husband and last night it hit me like a ton of bricks that it was time to take my ring off. I was single and wearing the ring was in a way holding me back. “ 😢 when it hits you like a kick to the heart that it’s time to take your wedding ring off because your now single. #singlelife #someonegivemeahug “ That was a tweet that I sent out last night. Sitting at a ceilidh - something he always loved. And the thought suddenly came that I didn’t have a dance partner and guys seeing the ring might not ask (sounds silly I know) I know he’d want me to move on and I’m still surprised I had the ring on till now. But in all honesty it only feels like it’s been a year and not two. They say life goes on once someone dies. But it’s with a  gingerly step and an unease that I go back to the single life and don’t have home by my side. My heart is heavy and I’m scared but here’s to the next chapter in my story. Who ever wants to walk it with me.

HAPPY  FATHERS DAY To all the dads, grandads, step-dads and even the strongest of mums doing both jobs. Hope you have all been spoilt and know how much you are loved. 

Dear diary Now I’ve never been one of the skinniest of girls. But there has been times when I’ve caught sight of photos and I’ve been shocked at what I’ve seen and not in a good way. I’ve never been sporty. Never kept at anything fitness wise. It’s always been sporadic. But over the last couple of years things have totally been let go. The will / want to try and loose some weight, even tone up has just gone. I’ve gone for the wrong foods and not bothering about myself at all. Seeing a photo today has totally made me sad because even looking at it I still don’t have the true will to change for the better. It doesn’t usually bother me about my weight I know I’m bigger than the rest of the people around me. The negative thoughts and comments in my brain are in full force and after nearly three weeks the want to self harm is building in strength again. But those thoughts and comments are always there so it’s nothing different. You know what I wish. I wish there was someone around

 If ever the weather was to show the destruction that mental health could cause. These photos were taken after a very windy 24 hrs and I think show the impact that “ episodes “ have for the sufferer. The photos were takin at three different stages along one path and to me it represents the before the middle and the end of an mental health episode. For me it represents how unstable the thoughts and feeling inside my head are and the end photo shows the aftermath once I’m out the other side of it.  The last photo for me is the most true to how crazy my head feels during a crisis. The anxiety, unknown, questioning, destruction. To so not be in control of what you are feeling and doing. 

This photo still amazes me at how beautiful the world we live in is. The photo was taken on an iPhone 7  Train ride home from Edinburgh to Fife - Scotland 

People with mental health issue don’t always show that they have any problems. We suffer in silence and take a lot of the burden on ourselves, for fear of being judged or even rejected. That just isn’t right or fair. We are all entitled to talk freely. We shouldnt feel that speaking openly about what we are going through / feeling is something to be ashamed of. We fight day by day sometimes hour by hour just to survive and that’s one of the hardest things.  Even to explain to someone who doesn’t suffer. We may be put under a label or laughed at when we try and explain why we didn’t even get out of bed or even the house in the morning. Because it took all of our energy just to wake up let alone get up. What sort of a world do we live in when people get to such a point where they think Suicide is the only way out? That they are so alone with there thoughts that they don’t / can’t tell anyone how they really feel. How many lives would be saved if people felt like they could open up.

Can anybody help? I can’t actually get my head around gluten free , I know I’m not allowed wheat but what does that mean for substitution? I would like to try new things to see what can and can’t have but actually don’t know where to start. I’m in the UK and I have noticed the signage on things is getting better. I just don’t know what I’m properly looking for. I got told by dr that I’d be better going wheat free but I don’t know where to start in relation to anything. Can anyone help?

To say that the last 72 hrs have been majorly triggering is an understatement. I went north to Aberdeen for my sister in-laws wedding. It was a weekend of firsts and a weekend that showed me how things really are. The following are examples of tweets that I put out over the two hardest days “ I’ve not even left the surroundings of my own village and my anxieties are already kicking off” “ ocd thoughts of no one will ever want to be with you because of your mental health and you know it’s gonna be a long train ride “ “ the tightness in the chest, the fear, the anxiety of knowing what’s coming. I’m 30min out to it all starting and turns out that’s enough time for everything to properly start in full.” “I look at the scars on my arm and ankle and hope that I dont follow through with adding to them” “ it’s not on my terms. I’m not in control” “ I wanna be sick. Have to speak but want to cry. Just want to be held” “Wired, and not in a good way. There has been tears. #anxi