A Little Bit of Me

Something I watched recently got me thinking. Thinking about me and how I see myself compared to how I’m seen by others. Now I know a lot happened to me three and a half years ago that has inevitably shaped me now. It has given me a label of ‘widow’ something that I never thought I would have so young in my life. People who knew me before compared to now know me as two different people in respects to the way I am around people and how I deal with life. Yes I was bullied at school and have struggled with anxiety and confidence my whole life but now it almost feels like it takes on a new level. A level further back in what’s important. There has been a lot more happen now that defines me. I’ve hidden away, I’ve cried for long periods of time. I’ve subconsciously unfortunately been resolved to the fact that this is my life now. Widowed at 32 and struggling to really know who I am. - I’m still struggling with that now years later. I look at photos before all that happened and I don’t...

The organisation that I volunteer with has got involved with a sister organisation which is challenging everyone to get out and walk every day in May. The target is to walk the equivalent of The West Highland Way in Scotland - estimated 96miles. It can be done in a team or on your own with the aim to get more people active. I came to the challenge a week after it started and was lucky enough to of kept a record of what I’d walked so far in the month so could fill in the first week easy. As the weeks have gone on I’ve made good distance but unfortunately fought anxiety that I wasn’t good enough and that I wouldn’t get the miles done within the time after being lower than suggested the first week due to a health issue that knocked me from getting more miles than I actually managed. I’m doing the challenge alone and when asked last night how I was doing by the man in charge of the place I volunteer he seemed seriously shocked that I was as far on as I was and jokingly said I can walk b...

It’s a topic that has been a real issue for me. I’ve had friends and lost friends. I’ve been more open to some and it’s cost me me there friendship. I’ve been quiet about things and it’s played with my head. It’s something that I’ve always struggled with is actually having friends. People that I can turn to when I need them. But see since I’ve lost someone closer to me the way people are towards me has changed. Those that knew me when my hubby was alive and those that I’ve met since. Apparently asking someone for help can be relying on them to much. Being myself and talking to some is to much of an issue. My grief is now at a point where it is in stages and I’m not as down as previous but even that can be a problem for some. I’ve come to realise that I have got to look after me and not try and make friends of any kind because it will be used against me if my grief is to much at some points and people just don’t know how to deal with me. Im at a point where the sad realisation is ...

It’s something that I’ve always struggled with is being creative. I know when I’m on form and producing stuff I’m good. But when the self doubt / unable to think of anything cloud comes it is hard to lift myself out of it. I’ve been told that I have a graphic style to my stuff which I kinda see but on the other hand I struggle to see what style I have and what I’m good at. One of the things I love is getting a new sketch pad and opening it and the anticipation of what might come. But on the other hand I look at a clean white paged sketch pad and I really struggle with what I can do. I’ve had over a month from my art class finishing and the next meeting of it which is at the end of this month and I’ve done nothing. It’s supposed to be a basic show and tell of what we’ve done over the month and I have nothing. I guess I’m saying in all that I rambled. I’m struggling with being creative and I need to find a way to get it back because it’s one of the main realises for me and and at t...

I was diagnosed with ibs shortly after my husband died and have been adjusting my life according. But over the last month I’ve noticed slight changes that I thought were different from the usual with my symptoms. Cut to the start of this week and it completely changed again. I should say the Dr thinks it might just be a muscular issue but over the week I’m now wondering whether it’s been a flare up of my ibs. If not something other related to my bowl. I got shooting pains coming what felt like from my back to my front and nearly took the feet from under me and reduced me to tears. I managed to get a drs appointment for the next day and was given co-codamol and a exercise sheet of exercise for my back to do when I felt I could. It only took until late Thursday for me to start to move more easily. And today (8pm Saturday) I’m a lot better and can actually sit without getting the pains or spasms. With all that this week it has got me to wondering whether it may be just a change in my...

I’ve written a few blog posts about how things are for me at the minute. But I need to admit to myself more than anyone. At the minute mentally I’m struggling. There have been a lot of things happening lately that have got me questioning who I am and what I’m capable of. There have also been life events happen that I wish I didn’t feel so alone during. I should say I do have family around me but yet things have happened that I wish I had my hubby around for or even close friends to sound off to. I walked through a city centre today and all I could thing was how much I could feel how fast my heart was going. I had constant triggers and even trying to calm myself down wasn’t working. The constant anxiety about things I could and couldn’t control got on top of me. The negative thoughts that are so prominent in everything I seem to do at the minute are tiring and each day it feels like it’s taking a bit more effort to get through. My flat is a mess and I’m even struggling to get motiva...

Last night I became an auntie to my sister in laws wee girl. And since then I’ve been hit with every emotion and am physically and mentally tired. It’s the first grand child for my hubbys family and I know for all that we aren’t speaking about it there is just this whole lot of new emotions for all of us because he should be here to celebrate. I spent most of last night in tears and again at certain points today. So on that level I’m drained. But I can’t work out if it’s because I’m sad that he will never get to know her or angry that he’s missing out on something that would of meant the world to him. So since we all found out my SIL was pregnant I was told that i was going to be an auntie and that i would have to be the one that got all the Harry Potter things for the baby. But if I’m honest there has always been a part of me that has been sad about being auntie and not having the little ones uncle beside me on this next life chapter. Don’t get me wrong I love the new addition to ...