A Little Bit of Me

Well it’s something I never thought I’d write but I hate the snow. We are in the middle of a red weather warning and there is thunder and lightning snow storm happening. And to be quite frank as much as I like seeing the lightning the grumbling of thunder and the snow rattling of my window is not doing anything for my anxieties. I did have a programme on during some of it but now I’m lying in bed in the pitch black, with only those noises happening and I can tell you it really isn’t the best feeling. Just waiting for something to come crashing into my window. It’s all good during the day, yes it’s been showers on and off all day and everything has been cancelled but it was light and people were awake. I could easily distract myself. It’s sounds so silly writing all this down. The white stuff is great to watch (from the inside) but being out in it again sets of the anxiety levels about what might happen. Scenarios playing out in my head about what if this happens, or what if this happ...

Who am i ? .................... Do I know who I am ? .............. Two questions that are subconsciously in my thoughts every day. Since getting diagnosed nearly 8 years ago I thought I had some answers. All the unanswered questions that I need answered. Knowing something wasn’t quite right, the way I managed things day by day. It gave me the answers but also some more questions as to why things weren’t picked up on sooner. Two and a half years ago I became a full time career and that was a role that I didn’t question. I just got on with it. But then after he died the unknown started again. I was a widow, it came with its own self questions. What do I do now? One that has not yet been answered because I REALLY don’t know the answer. I was a widow at 32. Diagnosed with mental health issues at 27 those are two things I never thought I’d be writing. For as much as I don’t want my mental health to define me. I feel like some times it does. When you have to explain why you are...

 When I don’t have the will power to fight what my head wants. And I know I’ll suffer for it later mentally and physically. These last couple of weeks I admit were not the easiest when it comes to being good to myself. I was in the cycle of I want it I eat it. Even if it didn’t give me enjoyment. So the picture above represents a not to bad day. But I so wish it was better.

I bought myself a health magazine as I have always liked the broad mix of topics that are within it. But reading it I find myself confused as to what actually is best for me. Should I be having one thing and not another? What’s best for my ibs? What’s best for my age? They are just three of the questions that I have at the minute. I’m on medication for my mental health so how does that effect my body. I’m prone to swollen eyes with the swollen but filling with gunk. I know that I’m not the best eater and that I should be better but I’m not going to follow something that causes triggers because that won’t help. So in that respect I know I need to be happy with it and understand what I am doing to me. I just don’t fully understand what is best for me without reading something that sounds preachy and puts me off doing it.

I went to my sisters place for a few days just so she had some company while her partner was away. She didn’t know at that point that I had had a really bad week mentally last week and that it had left me questioning a lot of things about myself not all of it good. So to get a change of scene and away from what was triggering me was the best thing.  Isn’t it amazing how being away from all the things that are “everyday” things to you helps you see actually what you need in life and what you don’t. I had become so engrossed in a battle with my thoughts / anxieties and rituals that were forming that I was amazed how little of it had while away. And how easy some came back when I came back home today. The calming influence of a new house and the cat they were looking after seems to be what was needed. I haven’t any of the rituals to the excess that I was. And the calmness that is my brain at the minute is surprising as it shows me how bad I have been. Being away also made me real...

  Taken on iPhone 7

Feeling alone in a crowded room Not being acknowledged when you ask a question  No friends  Does anyone know how low I really am?  Struggling to sleep  Gotta put the face on that says everything is ok Life goes on and I feel like standing still A MASSIVE liking for junk foods  Lack of praise People just assume I’m doing ok. I’ve got so good at putting a face on that says that I’m doing ok day to day that people just don’t ask now.  Sitting in a crowded place whether it be a shopping centre or family house you can totally feel alone and that no one wants to talk to you. Even asking a question the answer goes to someone else within the room. DO YOU EXIST ?  When you ...................... Oh I don’t know it’s just a rough couple of weeks