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If this week has taught me anything


If this week has taught me anything it’s that the grief monster can hit at any time and totally floor you. That three years feel like just yesterday. And that there is people around to give a hug when needed.

So last night in the midst of volunteering it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears started and it took me a long time to proper calm myself. I’d manage to tell the coach right at the start of the night that i was struggling and that it had been a hard week. That it felt like just yesterday that he’d died and not nearly three years. I’m lucky with the fact that the coach I work with also was my husbands coach so that in itself is a help. I’d managed one class and was more than half way through the second when a shot I threw was called rubbish and one look to the other lady that coaches with me and I was a mess. If I hadn’t of already been sitting on the floor I think I might of ended up there. Luckily for me she also knows my history and shouted on the main coach who got to me pretty quick.
For being so upset last night and feeling so helpless to how it was playing out. The people that came to me and offered a hug were the ones that I would of wanted it to be. I’m so grateful that the session that I do on a Monday night know my back story. They’ve been around me since it happened. Some before. That I was able to say I was struggling and have people look out for me not so subtly.

Since his birthday last week I’ve been thinking more and more about how it is nearly three years since he died. But it only really feels like recently. Life carries on yet in some aspects grief makes you stand still. I’ve had three birthdays that he wasn’t here to celebrate with me. My wedding anniversary is just another day.
A memorial written for him has been taken down of the team Facebook page and links to it else where have also been taken down. Apparently it’s not important now. His memory isn’t important in the grand scheme of day to day life.

I hope I can find the strength to build up what feels so fragile at the minute. Each day as it comes right.

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