Skip to main content

Nearly 3 years of this new life


A lot has happened this week that has made me have to fight my corner and yet feel so alone. It should of been his birthday this week and that day in itself was hard because this year so far has been the hardest year since I lost him.
I’ve had to pull someone up for the way that they were talking to me. Turns out they thought I had a thing for them. I just needed him to understand how the way he was around me was doing more damage  than good. I just need friends, new or old.
It really does feel like I have this label above me and that everyday I have to explain it to myself and other people that yes I am a widow and that it will effect how I’m treated but it isn’t who I am. I’m just me. Kerry,  35 and fighting everyday just to be seen for me.
I never chose this new life. This life chose me. The life where every day sometimes more than once a day it is a fight even just to get through. For all though it is nearly three years it feels like yesterday.  I can feel alone in the busiest of rooms and not even find the words to explain that all I want to do is just cry and get a hug.
As this week draws to a thankful end. I’m reminded that i do have to fight for me. Sometimes harder than other. And at a cost to my health because I just want to be seen. And not for the fact that I became a widow in my early 30s

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Self care during the good and bad days

So something I've learnt over the last 6 1/2 years since being diagnosed and the death of my husband that self care really helps during the good and bad times. Over this time I have tried many things and found what does and doesn't work for me.  https://www.thebodyshop.com/en-gb/range/view-all/tea-tree-skin-clearing-facial-wash/p/p000039 This stuff has been great for my skin. I got the 400ml bottle and my goodness it is worth the money as you really don't need a lot. And then smell for me is a really calming smell which also helps.  http://uk.loccitane.com/shea-butter-hand-cream--travel-size-,83,1,29776,1030671.htm   I've tried a lot of different hand creams previously and was recommended to try them from here. To say I was impressed was an understatement. It covers so well. You really don't need a lot and it really works on dry hands.  It may seem a bit pricy to some but i think it's worth it for the way it left my hands feeling.  Carmex lip ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Not in the best head space.

So turns out I’ve been battling a mental health episode for at least a three months if not longer and I haven’t been aware. Before anyone questions why I didn’t know what was happening it’s because I typically don’t see what’s happening until I’m at a point that someone goes “WE NEED YOU TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE” It builds up slowly and manifests to a point that I’m really in a negative head space. I’ve learnt this time and the hard way that everything that I thought was happening wasn’t. It was my anxiety and grief having a fight off and I was the looser. Not to forget the ruminations of things that might happen or I might do ( some of those thoughts are hard ) Insomnia Panic that I’m seeing things out corner of my eye that aren’t there Negative thoughts - not good enough etc  Real bouts of sadness Not really wanting to eat - snacking  Racing heart Believing things are wrong with me when they aren’t  Those are only a few of the things that I have been dealing wit...
Post a Comment
Read more

If this week has taught me anything

If this week has taught me anything it’s that the grief monster can hit at any time and totally floor you. That three years feel like just yesterday. And that there is people around to give a hug when needed. So last night in the midst of volunteering it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears started and it took me a long time to proper calm myself. I’d manage to tell the coach right at the start of the night that i was struggling and that it had been a hard week. That it felt like just yesterday that he’d died and not nearly three years. I’m lucky with the fact that the coach I work with also was my husbands coach so that in itself is a help. I’d managed one class and was more than half way through the second when a shot I threw was called rubbish and one look to the other lady that coaches with me and I was a mess. If I hadn’t of already been sitting on the floor I think I might of ended up there. Luckily for me she also knows my history and shouted on the main coach who got to me...
Post a Comment
Read more