A Little Bit of Me

I know I know we aren’t there yet. We still have a month before the end of the year but the last few weeks I have be finding myself thinking more about what the year has been about and what next year might hold. This year has brought me a lot of changes that have challenged me mentally. I moved into a place by myself. Which brought with it a grief fight and a mental battle about being alone. Changing medication this year has also seen a change in me. ( I’m still working out whether it’s a good dosage at the minute or not ) I got put forward for a uk level 1 coaching award - which I’m still working to complete. But even last year I wouldn’t of said I’d be the right person to do it. So to agree to do it was a huge step for me. I’ve also got a few commissions in only the last couple of months. And it has been suggested that I start a Facebook page to start selling my work. I seem to be putting that off at the minute. I don’t think I’m mentally ready for it just yet. Maybe the new y...

A girl can dream right. In an ideal world I would be working, getting ready for Christmas and working on selling my art. In reality I’m taking a course to help with my anxiety, self confidence. I’m not looking forward to the first festive season in my new place because that definitely means life is moving on without him. And as for selling my art, I’ve ordered more cards and should really work on the Facebook page I set up to show what I do. I’m writing this with a smokers cough ( I don’t smoke ) trying to think of present ideas to tell the in-laws and wishing that someone would just give me a hug. Self doubt is a horrible thing / a hard thing. Low confidence / belief in yourself. Is a constant battle even with the simplest of tasks. Trying to tell myself that my art is good is hard even though I’ve done a few commissions and now got one of my canvases as a card. In another life I would be shouting it for everyone to hear that I am creative and that is what I do. I wouldn’t o...

Looking at all the Black Friday deals, I wish that I could have a f..k it moment and buy things that I would like but not truly need. The f..k it part of my widows brain has said yes to a lot of things since he died and with now only thinking about classing myself as fit to work I’m conscious of money and being able to afford necessities as well as presents for family etc at Christmas. But it doesn’t stop me wishing. Life is to short, you only live once. But with that the boring, sensible part of my brain is shouting at me. I hate that I’m in this position of not working. But my mental health took another massive knock and I’ve been fighting to get back. Don’t get me wrong I know to some I should be working and that I shouldn’t complain about what I have already but to them I say how would you deal with the situation if you were in the same place. This is my journey and I’m fighting my way.

This weekend I’ve gone out of my comfort zone and done another craft fair. I’ve always struggled with self belief. I don’t think my art is good enough to sell. So to be at a fair and ‘my’ cards be selling ( none of the paper cuts I’d done sold ) is surreal because to me I don’t think anyone would want anything to do with me. To those reading this that have seen my work and are questioning me. I KNOW. But I can’t help the internal fight that happens. To the people that have commissioned me. I KNOW.  It is what it is. My art at the minute is very slowly taking off somewhere and I feel like I’m along for the ride, or waiting for the postcard. I’m getting commissions, I’m getting people buying the card I had printed. I’ve even some how been coerced into setting up a Facebook page to sell my stuff ( it has a name and that is it. To me it’s a why? I’m not good enough. ) I will always be creative that’s a no brainer. Even at my darkest points through my mental health something will ...

It truly hit me today that this year will be the first in my new place and without him to celebrate with me.  I’ve always loved Christmas. Give me The muppets before Christmas and chocolates and a blanket. But see even the thought about starting to decorate my new place and make it festive. It makes me sad and I know I should be thankful that I have a new place and that I get to decorate it what ever I want for Christmas but even that doesn’t make me happy and that is life. I would so love to start the new memories of the festive period / new traditions etc but it just doesn’t feel right.  Seeing my flat at the min and then going around the shops I can’t imagin any of it in my flat.  Maybe the tradition of not doing anything will be my way forward. 

I’ve put my name down with some persuasion from family to do a craft fair and it’s in a week. This past week I have been fighting an internal negative battle about how I’m not good enough and how people are treating me like I’m so new to selling. I’ve always suffered with confidence issues, with everything. Whether that be me art or life in general. Having lost the one person that I could totally rely on nearly two years ago to help guide and help me through getting ready to say this fair is a big deal is an understatement. Me and my sister are total opposites, she has her way of doing things and I have mine. But the way she tried to say something to me during the week made me feel like I hadn’t done a sale before. I was asking for help with an amount needed of something and she said it her way of thinking and got me so confused, I felt like I was 10 again and not able to deal with certain things. The mental battle after that encounter has fuelled the negative comments / thoughts t...