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Honest - negative thoughts about lighting candles

Really want to light candles but have really bad negative thoughts about what might happen #mentalhealth #fedup

That was the first tweet I made tonight about the fact that I really wanted to light candles but the negative thoughts in my head were stopping me. Stopping me with the fear that by lighting any candles it may cause the flat / room I’m in the catch fire. That I might do something to cause it to happen ( I HAVE NO THOUGHTS ABOUT DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT ) 

I have always loved candles but the fear of the match / lighter not being fully put out after the candle has been lit is enough to push my ocd into melt down and for me to have a standoff with the object until I can convince myself that it is in fact out and that I don’t need to worry. Or even blowing out the candle to come to bed. That involves a lot of checking / counting and sometimes leaving and coming back into the room just to bloody check that nothing has changed. ( that has been known to go on for a good 5 + min ) 
I didn’t light the candle tonight. The negativity / anxiety in my head got to much and for that I am sad because it feels like I’m letting myself down and my mental health win. 
The fears of something happening were more real tonight than would let me enjoy the candle. It wasn’t worth waisting a perfectly good candle on a night that I wouldn’t enjoy it. 

Now to try and sleep and not worry about the candle I didn’t light ( lying in bed in the dark writing this my head is convinced I need to go and check the candle and make sure they are out ) it’s mad the mind tricks that are played. 

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