Skip to main content

Honest - negative thoughts about lighting candles

Really want to light candles but have really bad negative thoughts about what might happen #mentalhealth #fedup

That was the first tweet I made tonight about the fact that I really wanted to light candles but the negative thoughts in my head were stopping me. Stopping me with the fear that by lighting any candles it may cause the flat / room I’m in the catch fire. That I might do something to cause it to happen ( I HAVE NO THOUGHTS ABOUT DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT ) 

I have always loved candles but the fear of the match / lighter not being fully put out after the candle has been lit is enough to push my ocd into melt down and for me to have a standoff with the object until I can convince myself that it is in fact out and that I don’t need to worry. Or even blowing out the candle to come to bed. That involves a lot of checking / counting and sometimes leaving and coming back into the room just to bloody check that nothing has changed. ( that has been known to go on for a good 5 + min ) 
I didn’t light the candle tonight. The negativity / anxiety in my head got to much and for that I am sad because it feels like I’m letting myself down and my mental health win. 
The fears of something happening were more real tonight than would let me enjoy the candle. It wasn’t worth waisting a perfectly good candle on a night that I wouldn’t enjoy it. 

Now to try and sleep and not worry about the candle I didn’t light ( lying in bed in the dark writing this my head is convinced I need to go and check the candle and make sure they are out ) it’s mad the mind tricks that are played. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

If this week has taught me anything

If this week has taught me anything it’s that the grief monster can hit at any time and totally floor you. That three years feel like just yesterday. And that there is people around to give a hug when needed. So last night in the midst of volunteering it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears started and it took me a long time to proper calm myself. I’d manage to tell the coach right at the start of the night that i was struggling and that it had been a hard week. That it felt like just yesterday that he’d died and not nearly three years. I’m lucky with the fact that the coach I work with also was my husbands coach so that in itself is a help. I’d managed one class and was more than half way through the second when a shot I threw was called rubbish and one look to the other lady that coaches with me and I was a mess. If I hadn’t of already been sitting on the floor I think I might of ended up there. Luckily for me she also knows my history and shouted on the main coach who got to me...
Post a Comment
Read more

Sales/wish list

Like many I will be doing the sales this year. But it won’t be till the end of the week (let’s hope there is stuff left) A girl can dream right, the presents that weren’t received or the things you have your eye on hoping they come down in price. For me going into 2018 there is a few things that I would like to see if they are in the sales or at least within budget due to getting money to spend. I’m going to start a fresh with 10,000 steps a day so a new set of headphones would definitely be needed as the ones I have I spend more time trying to keep them in my ears than listening to anything. I think I would also love a new jumper as I’m known for wearing the same ones until they hole. I so really need to find new things to listen to as well. With a specific present i got I’m wanting to buy a ring that can wear everyday. The money was from my grandparents and we lost my gran the middle of the month. So something to wear that reminds me of her I think might be nice. I used to alw...
Post a Comment
Read more

Not in the best head space.

So turns out I’ve been battling a mental health episode for at least a three months if not longer and I haven’t been aware. Before anyone questions why I didn’t know what was happening it’s because I typically don’t see what’s happening until I’m at a point that someone goes “WE NEED YOU TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE” It builds up slowly and manifests to a point that I’m really in a negative head space. I’ve learnt this time and the hard way that everything that I thought was happening wasn’t. It was my anxiety and grief having a fight off and I was the looser. Not to forget the ruminations of things that might happen or I might do ( some of those thoughts are hard ) Insomnia Panic that I’m seeing things out corner of my eye that aren’t there Negative thoughts - not good enough etc  Real bouts of sadness Not really wanting to eat - snacking  Racing heart Believing things are wrong with me when they aren’t  Those are only a few of the things that I have been dealing wit...
Post a Comment
Read more