A Little Bit of Me

So I said yes over a month ago to do a course this weekend that if passed means I would have my Level 1 coaching for the sport of boccia. Has it has drawn closer and the more the information is thrown at us the more I really start to question if I’ll actually pass. You see I didn’t pay for my entry it was paid for by the group that I volunteer with. There is four from under the banner of our group doing the course. So add all that together with how I’m feeling about it and it’s just a whole anxiety filled self doubting mess. To get my coaching certificate would be huge especially after the last few years I’ve had. People around me seem to think I can manage ok. And that taking the group just now I can be left to do it myself. It’s just now it’s mega official. Something that I wouldn’t of gone for years ago. aaaaaaggggghhhhhhh the negative thought battle in my head is trying to make itself win the fight. Let the weekend happen and see how I do.

The nights are drawing in and its getting darker sooner and that means my mood will be dipping. You see I struggle like many others with the darker mornings and lifting my mood. It only took till the last few years for me to fully appreciate what I was suffering with. It’s a whole new ball game this year with now living on my own. Im not sure how it’s gonna be. For many the darker nights are for getting that cosy feeling that comes with autumn. For me I feel the change in air and love it BUT the darker nights and mornings totally mess with me mentally. I know I have to put things in place but sometimes it’s the knowing that makes it harder. Lack of enthusiasm, motivation, willing. Unable to feel truly happy any of the time. From when the clocks change until early next year that’s gonna be the way I am. Add to it anxiety, depression and ocd as well as grief it makes for a really interesting few months. So that is why I’m gonna try find things that might help. Whether it be distan

Nearly five months living on my own and my place doesn’t feel like home. It feels like I’m just living in it. I really don’t feel like I’ve put my stamp on it. It feels like my husband should be part of it to. As were are coming into autumn I would love to make the place more cosy. A place that I would wanna go but see what I wanna do and what my head will let me do is a whole different thing. I would love rooms that showed me and what I liked instead of someone else’s tastes ( I’m in rented accommodation ) Guess it’s gonna be a massive trawl on Pinterest to get ideas. I just wanna have a place that truly feels  like a home. After the shitty time I’ve had I’m owed that

I’ve always struggled with food. It has always been the thing that I new I could turn to when things got bad and I couldn’t say out loud what was bothering me. Needless to say I’m not the thinnest of people. Yes I have times when I majorly dislikes certain parts of my body and how I look who doesn’t. I’ve tried dieting - I get bored with it so easily. Or something happens and the temptation to go back to what I know is more appealing.  Just over two years ago I got diagnosed with ibs. With the suggestion that I try to get more gluten free in my diet to see if that helps. I have tried the best I can to stick to it ( that has been easier than other restrictions I’ve put myself on )  Yes my weight yo-yos who’s doesn’t? I would just love to try more things in relation to food that maybe just maybe I wasn’t relying on the go to foods when things get bad. Especially with the weather changing and it becoming darker quicker at nights. The temptation to just rely on comfort rather than

I’m so antsy tonight. I feel really on edge and not able to fully concentrate. I wanna cry but my tears are dry. Anxieties are brewing and it’s not a good feeling. Wanna scream but wanna curl up Wanna not feel like I’m being judged but I’m on my own There is a thought about self harm. It is trying to fight its way through. The fog is getting thicker and I’m really not liken how I’m feeling with this. Don’t wanna shout out that I’m struggling because there is more important stuff happening around me.

Since I moved into my new place and have had to cook for myself my eating habits have suffered. You see cooking used to be “our” thing. It was the time we used to have together and now it’s just me. I don’t have the incling to cook for myself. I’ve lost the love of it, I’ve lost interest. I know I’m suffering with what I eat but I just seem to be rolling with the days. He’s not there now to chat to. I would love to be able to cook tea. To actually take an interest

It’s 00:02 and it has actually just sit me why it’s always this time of night before I settle down to try and sleep. My hubby had the first lot of seizures in bed. We were settling down to go to sleep when it happened. To get past that point of time at night and see that nothing is gonna happen seems to be the go to thing now. My bed doesn’t feel truley inviting now. It doesn’t feel like a place I wanna spend any time at all. I don’t want it to be a place I don’t wanna be. I wanna feel like it’s a place of refuge with the nights getting colder / darker etc. When I wanna just spend some time in bed instead of face the world without my subconscious brain deciding that I don’t have to sleep until the next day. It’s needs to be my space and not just have the bad memories of that fateful night when the paramedics came into our bedroom.

Really want to light candles but have really bad negative thoughts about what might happen #mentalhealth #fedup That was the first tweet I made tonight about the fact that I really wanted to light candles but the negative thoughts in my head were stopping me. Stopping me with the fear that by lighting any candles it may cause the flat / room I’m in the catch fire. That I might do something to cause it to happen ( I HAVE NO THOUGHTS ABOUT DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT )  I have always loved candles but the fear of the match / lighter not being fully put out after the candle has been lit is enough to push my ocd into melt down and for me to have a standoff with the object until I can convince myself that it is in fact out and that I don’t need to worry. Or even blowing out the candle to come to bed. That involves a lot of checking / counting and sometimes leaving and coming back into the room just to bloody check that nothing has changed. ( that has been known to go on for a good 5 +

Cut on 150gsm black paper

It scares me so much but I wanted the job centre off my back so I’ve said I’m fit to work. The first meeting was today. It was just the initial meeting with the person that will hopefully be supporting me due to my mental health. I’ve been with this group before but had to stop when my husband became ill, so I know a few of them already and what they do. But it felt like I was right back at the beginning again. My mental health has played its part today. I did feel judged and had negative thoughts but at least I went I guess that’s one thing. Am I ready for work ........ the job centre say yes. I kinda say yes. So let’s see where it takes me and what happens.

In the sitting area at Waverley Station Edinburgh. 

I had decided that I’d wanted to go away but didn’t know where. It was suggested to me to have a look at HUB in Edinburgh. I ended up choosing Rose St and I’m really glad that I did. For being so central ( one street over from Princes St ) it was so easy to access which meant not having to carry shopping bags about. The Hub itself was clean and well presented. The staff were really helpful and couldn’t do enough to help. The room came with free WiFi, free movies and a free cheese plate if you bought a drink from the bar within the hotel. This typography map of Edinburgh was above the bed. As someone who like creative things I liked this. It allowed someone new to the city to see the street names in the surrounding area.   The room itself was clean and well presented. It wasn’t a big room but didn’t feel small either. The  splashes of colour worked well in the room and added to the way it felt.    The duvet was wrapped up like this on the bed.

The big C strikes my family again and to be honest it’s really an unwanted gift now. It feels like that stain on your clothes that you thought you’d felt with already but seems to be back in full. And it now needs dealt with again. That’s 5 different people now close to me in that last 8 years that have had there own fights against it. 3 of them lost. 1 won there fight and 1 is pending. To say that I don’t like cancer is an understatement but it seems to be all around me. I know of other people that are fighting at the min with not the best result. To anybody that is dealing with cancer or knows someone that is. I salute you and send love

How ya doin ? Trurly doing ? Another year older and man the amount of stuff that’s happened this last year surely has tested you hasn’t it. Yes there has been stuff that has mentally tested you. And sometimes it won the fight. But on the whole you should be so proud of yourself. The scars only show that you got through. 1 bereavement, 1 diagnosis ( treatment to follow )  - two different people. and a wedding. It sounds like it should be a film doesn’t it. It all has definitely pushed you mentally. I know you don’t think you are strong enough but you have to acknowledge how far you’ve come this year and how much you’ve been pushed. The new found designing seems to be a thing. I wonder how / where it will take you. We just have to make you believe / realise you do actually have a talent. - that’s the next battle. Mental health is always gonna be apart of you. As is the widow tag will also play its part. You have to try and think that it’s not the only parts of ya how ever hard i

Is time a healer or do we just take it as it comes .....? 365 days, 30 days in the month. 60mins in an hour. I took conscious time away from this as I was struggling to find what to say. I fully moved into my flat. Started doing art again and even stared volunteering more. But do you think that it all matters in the grand scheme of things. Life is to short, times is precious. I have no idea what I want to do with this blog. If it even makes sense. To me it was a release from the ‘time’ / stages of grief. Now I don’t know where I should carry it on but in an artsy / review kinda place or just do honest blogs about me, my life and the stages on this journey I am at.