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the fight - metal health


At  00.19 on now a Wednesday morning and I am still awake after a mixed day of trying not to let the internal fight win. If anyone in my family were around at all during the day, it would of been a case of why aren’t you doing anything.
I made it out to do the messages that were needing done and then the rest of the day was spent on my phone trying to distract myself from the thoughts and feelings that were happening.
I suffered PTSD for about a year and then it just seemed to go. Last night it came back with such vivid thoughts that it felt like real kick in the stomach and a massive thump at my heart. It came from no where and lasted for a good part of the night. The same images playing over and over.
Another fight and seems to be getting stronger is the fight to self harm. To be in control of me and not  feel like I’m not even in charge of my body.
And even though it’s not strong (at the min ) the ocd rituals are seemingly feeling left out and are starting to show them self again.
Everything at the minute feels like a fight. An internal fight. Even when things seem ok there is always the ok what’s the next battle and it feels like that. Looking at me you wouldn’t guess what was going on truly inside me.
Even putting a basic plea out for someone to just chat and see me as a person seems like a mistake. Apart from my family I’m not truly seen. No one makes the effort. I’m just seen as doing ok. No one really knows.

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