Skip to main content

A lonely day - when grief and mental health work together


Bare with me I don’t know if this will make sense but today has been a day of realisation.

For the first time since my hubby died over two years ago I was sitting in my flat and felt so alone. I’ve been away places by myself before but something today made it hit home so much that in that flat I am alone. He isn’t gonna walk through the door and give me a hug. I am. Or able to message him and ask him to bring something from the shops.
In the ti e since he died I have always been around somebody. I’ve stayed with my parents so there has always been one around during the day. So I have never been truly alone. Even thow I would take myself off to my room I knew they someone was always down stairs. Today that all changed and a real pang of sadness took over me. I didn’t fully recognise the build up of feelings ( to be honest I wasn’t really looking for any ) but when it fully hit and I realised what it was and why, I actually left the flat.
Turning my back on it and walking away I felt so much loneliness and sadness inside. You see I had also been dealing with the not so subtle fight that was happening at the same time in my head that I have no friends. That no one ever wants to spend time with me. Take the time to actually get to know me. So that massive negative fight plus the feelings going on with being alone. I actually felt like it was gonna over come me completely.
I’m not afraid to say I got to my parents house and went straight to my bed and promptly fell asleep. Guessing my body didn’t wanna be part of the fight and switched itself off to protect itself.

I am still feeling lonely as I write this but not as badly as during the day.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sales/wish list

Like many I will be doing the sales this year. But it won’t be till the end of the week (let’s hope there is stuff left) A girl can dream right, the presents that weren’t received or the things you have your eye on hoping they come down in price. For me going into 2018 there is a few things that I would like to see if they are in the sales or at least within budget due to getting money to spend. I’m going to start a fresh with 10,000 steps a day so a new set of headphones would definitely be needed as the ones I have I spend more time trying to keep them in my ears than listening to anything. I think I would also love a new jumper as I’m known for wearing the same ones until they hole. I so really need to find new things to listen to as well. With a specific present i got I’m wanting to buy a ring that can wear everyday. The money was from my grandparents and we lost my gran the middle of the month. So something to wear that reminds me of her I think might be nice. I used to alw...
Post a Comment
Read more

If this week has taught me anything

If this week has taught me anything it’s that the grief monster can hit at any time and totally floor you. That three years feel like just yesterday. And that there is people around to give a hug when needed. So last night in the midst of volunteering it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears started and it took me a long time to proper calm myself. I’d manage to tell the coach right at the start of the night that i was struggling and that it had been a hard week. That it felt like just yesterday that he’d died and not nearly three years. I’m lucky with the fact that the coach I work with also was my husbands coach so that in itself is a help. I’d managed one class and was more than half way through the second when a shot I threw was called rubbish and one look to the other lady that coaches with me and I was a mess. If I hadn’t of already been sitting on the floor I think I might of ended up there. Luckily for me she also knows my history and shouted on the main coach who got to me...
Post a Comment
Read more

When another blog makes you think

       https://the-true-me.co.uk/index.php/2018/06/26/just-be-you/ When I first read this post it spoke so much to me. Being just a couple of years older a lot of what was written could of been written by me but in the female form.  I’ve let so much define me and given myself so many labels that i have lost track of who I truly am and what I am about. Growing up I didn’t fit in and was bullied and let it define me. I have never seen myself as having friends. No one that I could turn to if I just needed a chat.  One label that until eight years ago I didn’t know I had was mental health sufferer, it’s one I’m glad to have now. It doesn’t define me but it is making me start to accept me.  I’ve tried to please everyone without pleasing myself. I hope that choices I make from now on are for me and not everyone else.  Life’s to short. 
Post a Comment
Read more