Skip to main content

A lonely day - when grief and mental health work together


Bare with me I don’t know if this will make sense but today has been a day of realisation.

For the first time since my hubby died over two years ago I was sitting in my flat and felt so alone. I’ve been away places by myself before but something today made it hit home so much that in that flat I am alone. He isn’t gonna walk through the door and give me a hug. I am. Or able to message him and ask him to bring something from the shops.
In the ti e since he died I have always been around somebody. I’ve stayed with my parents so there has always been one around during the day. So I have never been truly alone. Even thow I would take myself off to my room I knew they someone was always down stairs. Today that all changed and a real pang of sadness took over me. I didn’t fully recognise the build up of feelings ( to be honest I wasn’t really looking for any ) but when it fully hit and I realised what it was and why, I actually left the flat.
Turning my back on it and walking away I felt so much loneliness and sadness inside. You see I had also been dealing with the not so subtle fight that was happening at the same time in my head that I have no friends. That no one ever wants to spend time with me. Take the time to actually get to know me. So that massive negative fight plus the feelings going on with being alone. I actually felt like it was gonna over come me completely.
I’m not afraid to say I got to my parents house and went straight to my bed and promptly fell asleep. Guessing my body didn’t wanna be part of the fight and switched itself off to protect itself.

I am still feeling lonely as I write this but not as badly as during the day.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Not in the best head space.

So turns out I’ve been battling a mental health episode for at least a three months if not longer and I haven’t been aware. Before anyone questions why I didn’t know what was happening it’s because I typically don’t see what’s happening until I’m at a point that someone goes “WE NEED YOU TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE” It builds up slowly and manifests to a point that I’m really in a negative head space. I’ve learnt this time and the hard way that everything that I thought was happening wasn’t. It was my anxiety and grief having a fight off and I was the looser. Not to forget the ruminations of things that might happen or I might do ( some of those thoughts are hard ) Insomnia Panic that I’m seeing things out corner of my eye that aren’t there Negative thoughts - not good enough etc  Real bouts of sadness Not really wanting to eat - snacking  Racing heart Believing things are wrong with me when they aren’t  Those are only a few of the things that I have been dealing wit...
Post a Comment
Read more

If this week has taught me anything

If this week has taught me anything it’s that the grief monster can hit at any time and totally floor you. That three years feel like just yesterday. And that there is people around to give a hug when needed. So last night in the midst of volunteering it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears started and it took me a long time to proper calm myself. I’d manage to tell the coach right at the start of the night that i was struggling and that it had been a hard week. That it felt like just yesterday that he’d died and not nearly three years. I’m lucky with the fact that the coach I work with also was my husbands coach so that in itself is a help. I’d managed one class and was more than half way through the second when a shot I threw was called rubbish and one look to the other lady that coaches with me and I was a mess. If I hadn’t of already been sitting on the floor I think I might of ended up there. Luckily for me she also knows my history and shouted on the main coach who got to me...
Post a Comment
Read more

Nearly three years - reflection

I’ve found my self lately thinking about what has actually happened over the last years and thinking about and saying thank you to people that have helped me. I’ve heard stories of people that loose someone close to them and the friends that go with. In some respects that is true for me but in other cases the friends that were ours mutually are now mine and the friendships I have with them have grown. ( do I think they would be that way if my husband was still alive ? Answer it would be different. But they would still be part of our lives ) Other people I have met since this new life for me started and I’m grateful for everyone of them because they probably unknowingly have helped me through the hardest years of my life so far. Some of them I’ve only spoken on line to ( you know who you are ). Other friendships have been formed in person and the communication with them has helped even on the darkest of days. Each of them unwittingly helping navigate me through this journey of grief....
Post a Comment
Read more