A Little Bit of Me

I was diagnosed with ibs shortly after my husband died and have been adjusting my life according. But over the last month I’ve noticed slight changes that I thought were different from the usual with my symptoms. Cut to the start of this week and it completely changed again. I should say the Dr thinks it might just be a muscular issue but over the week I’m now wondering whether it’s been a flare up of my ibs. If not something other related to my bowl. I got shooting pains coming what felt like from my back to my front and nearly took the feet from under me and reduced me to tears. I managed to get a drs appointment for the next day and was given co-codamol and a exercise sheet of exercise for my back to do when I felt I could. It only took until late Thursday for me to start to move more easily. And today (8pm Saturday) I’m a lot better and can actually sit without getting the pains or spasms. With all that this week it has got me to wondering whether it may be just a change in my...

I’ve written a few blog posts about how things are for me at the minute. But I need to admit to myself more than anyone. At the minute mentally I’m struggling. There have been a lot of things happening lately that have got me questioning who I am and what I’m capable of. There have also been life events happen that I wish I didn’t feel so alone during. I should say I do have family around me but yet things have happened that I wish I had my hubby around for or even close friends to sound off to. I walked through a city centre today and all I could thing was how much I could feel how fast my heart was going. I had constant triggers and even trying to calm myself down wasn’t working. The constant anxiety about things I could and couldn’t control got on top of me. The negative thoughts that are so prominent in everything I seem to do at the minute are tiring and each day it feels like it’s taking a bit more effort to get through. My flat is a mess and I’m even struggling to get motiva...

Last night I became an auntie to my sister in laws wee girl. And since then I’ve been hit with every emotion and am physically and mentally tired. It’s the first grand child for my hubbys family and I know for all that we aren’t speaking about it there is just this whole lot of new emotions for all of us because he should be here to celebrate. I spent most of last night in tears and again at certain points today. So on that level I’m drained. But I can’t work out if it’s because I’m sad that he will never get to know her or angry that he’s missing out on something that would of meant the world to him. So since we all found out my SIL was pregnant I was told that i was going to be an auntie and that i would have to be the one that got all the Harry Potter things for the baby. But if I’m honest there has always been a part of me that has been sad about being auntie and not having the little ones uncle beside me on this next life chapter. Don’t get me wrong I love the new addition to ...

The last few months have really taken a toll on me mentally and physically. And I’m only just starting to see the signs that my body has been trying to tell me it’s had enough. Along with the grief, anxiety and depression I suffer with s.a.d and although the weather has been ok ( for Scotland ) I suddenly hit a light bulb moment last week that maybe I should try getting more vitamin d into me to see if it would help. I’m only a few days in so will see how it goes. My eating habits this last month have been at there worst again. Whether it be eating or not eating. Eating all the wrong things and just not bothering about what I was putting into my body. The time leading up to and around my husbands anniversary I just didn’t have the power to make right choices in regard to food and drink ( fizzy juice ) cooking meals just didn’t appeal. I’ve been told I need to drink water more than anything else. Over the last year I’ve found myself drinking more fizzy juice rather than water. Don’...

It’s seems so strange writing three years. Three years since I lost him. This time three years ago I was settling in for the night shift by his bed after being told we were gonna loose him at any point. I knew as I said goodbye to him early on the 4th that deep down we wouldn’t have him for the day. My poor guy was tired of it all. So jump forward three years to now. It does feel like it was just yesterday. I read somewhere that the first year you are just numb. The second you accept. But my goodness you should be warned about the third. This year so far has been horrible. In a way I’m glad that his birthday and anniversary are at the start of the year. Gives me enough of a gap till my wedding anniversary. If the three years has taught me anything it’s that it has to be at your pace. For all that I got annoyed at taking ‘baby steps’ i know now that it was what was needed for me. That family members might annoy you with there way of thinking / dealing with there own loss ( his side...

It has always been something I’ve been into in different forms. I’ve even done a two year course on it at college. But it’s been the one thing that I haven’t carried on with or even wanted to do to any extent while I’ve been struggling mentally with my health or grief. But these past few weeks I’ve found myself occasionally taking photos and showing them to people (only the ones I liked) They have been taken on iPhone 7 I think part of the reason I didn’t carry it on after college was because of one of my tutors. He wasn’t the best and wasn’t helpful to those of us that struggled and needed extra help. (Old school - those that he liked were the ones that got all the attention) Whether it be black and white or colour it’s creative. An area that I’ve struggled in. But now after everything I’ve been through I would love to get back into photography. It’s not about setting up the shot it’s about for me seeing something that others might not see. I wanna look at my photos and be ...

Obsessive compulsive disorder   Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an  anxiety disorder . It has two main parts: obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions  are unwelcome thoughts, images, urges, worries or doubts that repeatedly appear in your mind. They can make you feel very anxious (although some people describe it as 'mental discomfort' rather than anxiety). You can  read more about obsessions  here. Compulsions  are repetitive activities that you do to reduce the anxiety caused by the obsession. It could be something like repeatedly checking a door is locked, repeating a specific phrase in your head or checking how your body feels. You can  read more about compulsions  here. It is something I’ve struggled with my whole life but only officially diagnosed 9 years ago. And something that looking back really did take over every day life.  I’ve been on medication to help with my anxiety, depression and ocd since being diagnosed. W...