A Little Bit of Me

So I said yes over a month ago to do a course this weekend that if passed means I would have my Level 1 coaching for the sport of boccia. Has it has drawn closer and the more the information is thrown at us the more I really start to question if I’ll actually pass. You see I didn’t pay for my entry it was paid for by the group that I volunteer with. There is four from under the banner of our group doing the course. So add all that together with how I’m feeling about it and it’s just a whole anxiety filled self doubting mess. To get my coaching certificate would be huge especially after the last few years I’ve had. People around me seem to think I can manage ok. And that taking the group just now I can be left to do it myself. It’s just now it’s mega official. Something that I wouldn’t of gone for years ago. aaaaaaggggghhhhhhh the negative thought battle in my head is trying to make itself win the fight. Let the weekend happen and see how I do.

The nights are drawing in and its getting darker sooner and that means my mood will be dipping. You see I struggle like many others with the darker mornings and lifting my mood. It only took till the last few years for me to fully appreciate what I was suffering with. It’s a whole new ball game this year with now living on my own. Im not sure how it’s gonna be. For many the darker nights are for getting that cosy feeling that comes with autumn. For me I feel the change in air and love it BUT the darker nights and mornings totally mess with me mentally. I know I have to put things in place but sometimes it’s the knowing that makes it harder. Lack of enthusiasm, motivation, willing. Unable to feel truly happy any of the time. From when the clocks change until early next year that’s gonna be the way I am. Add to it anxiety, depression and ocd as well as grief it makes for a really interesting few months. So that is why I’m gonna try find things that might help. Whether it be distan...

Nearly five months living on my own and my place doesn’t feel like home. It feels like I’m just living in it. I really don’t feel like I’ve put my stamp on it. It feels like my husband should be part of it to. As were are coming into autumn I would love to make the place more cosy. A place that I would wanna go but see what I wanna do and what my head will let me do is a whole different thing. I would love rooms that showed me and what I liked instead of someone else’s tastes ( I’m in rented accommodation ) Guess it’s gonna be a massive trawl on Pinterest to get ideas. I just wanna have a place that truly feels  like a home. After the shitty time I’ve had I’m owed that

I’ve always struggled with food. It has always been the thing that I new I could turn to when things got bad and I couldn’t say out loud what was bothering me. Needless to say I’m not the thinnest of people. Yes I have times when I majorly dislikes certain parts of my body and how I look who doesn’t. I’ve tried dieting - I get bored with it so easily. Or something happens and the temptation to go back to what I know is more appealing.  Just over two years ago I got diagnosed with ibs. With the suggestion that I try to get more gluten free in my diet to see if that helps. I have tried the best I can to stick to it ( that has been easier than other restrictions I’ve put myself on )  Yes my weight yo-yos who’s doesn’t? I would just love to try more things in relation to food that maybe just maybe I wasn’t relying on the go to foods when things get bad. Especially with the weather changing and it becoming darker quicker at nights. The temptation to just rely on comfort rat...

I’m so antsy tonight. I feel really on edge and not able to fully concentrate. I wanna cry but my tears are dry. Anxieties are brewing and it’s not a good feeling. Wanna scream but wanna curl up Wanna not feel like I’m being judged but I’m on my own There is a thought about self harm. It is trying to fight its way through. The fog is getting thicker and I’m really not liken how I’m feeling with this. Don’t wanna shout out that I’m struggling because there is more important stuff happening around me.

Since I moved into my new place and have had to cook for myself my eating habits have suffered. You see cooking used to be “our” thing. It was the time we used to have together and now it’s just me. I don’t have the incling to cook for myself. I’ve lost the love of it, I’ve lost interest. I know I’m suffering with what I eat but I just seem to be rolling with the days. He’s not there now to chat to. I would love to be able to cook tea. To actually take an interest

It’s 00:02 and it has actually just sit me why it’s always this time of night before I settle down to try and sleep. My hubby had the first lot of seizures in bed. We were settling down to go to sleep when it happened. To get past that point of time at night and see that nothing is gonna happen seems to be the go to thing now. My bed doesn’t feel truley inviting now. It doesn’t feel like a place I wanna spend any time at all. I don’t want it to be a place I don’t wanna be. I wanna feel like it’s a place of refuge with the nights getting colder / darker etc. When I wanna just spend some time in bed instead of face the world without my subconscious brain deciding that I don’t have to sleep until the next day. It’s needs to be my space and not just have the bad memories of that fateful night when the paramedics came into our bedroom.