A Little Bit of Me

It has always been something I’ve been into in different forms. I’ve even done a two year course on it at college. But it’s been the one thing that I haven’t carried on with or even wanted to do to any extent while I’ve been struggling mentally with my health or grief. But these past few weeks I’ve found myself occasionally taking photos and showing them to people (only the ones I liked) They have been taken on iPhone 7 I think part of the reason I didn’t carry it on after college was because of one of my tutors. He wasn’t the best and wasn’t helpful to those of us that struggled and needed extra help. (Old school - those that he liked were the ones that got all the attention) Whether it be black and white or colour it’s creative. An area that I’ve struggled in. But now after everything I’ve been through I would love to get back into photography. It’s not about setting up the shot it’s about for me seeing something that others might not see. I wanna look at my photos and be ...

Obsessive compulsive disorder   Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an  anxiety disorder . It has two main parts: obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions  are unwelcome thoughts, images, urges, worries or doubts that repeatedly appear in your mind. They can make you feel very anxious (although some people describe it as 'mental discomfort' rather than anxiety). You can  read more about obsessions  here. Compulsions  are repetitive activities that you do to reduce the anxiety caused by the obsession. It could be something like repeatedly checking a door is locked, repeating a specific phrase in your head or checking how your body feels. You can  read more about compulsions  here. It is something I’ve struggled with my whole life but only officially diagnosed 9 years ago. And something that looking back really did take over every day life.  I’ve been on medication to help with my anxiety, depression and ocd since being diagnosed. W...

Something I’ve learnt recently is that at nearly three years that my body is still processing grief and finding ways to tell me when I’m struggling. I noticed not long after my husband died that I was getting what looked like a flashing light above my eyes while in the dark. It didn’t last for long but it was happening. I’d also just been told that I had floaters in my eyes as well. So they flashing continued but only a handful of times. I get to January this year and am having a really bad time around my husbands birthday. And one night Blackpool illuminations kicks off abouve my eyes and in the centre of my forehead. I get seen by an optometrist that week who told me that my retina was fine. Apparently it is also a sign that there might of been an issue there. But the fact that I’m still so new on the grief journey and that it was around his birthday that it happened. It was my body telling me it was struggling and basically shouting for help. Now I know my body’s been through...

I’ve found my self lately thinking about what has actually happened over the last years and thinking about and saying thank you to people that have helped me. I’ve heard stories of people that loose someone close to them and the friends that go with. In some respects that is true for me but in other cases the friends that were ours mutually are now mine and the friendships I have with them have grown. ( do I think they would be that way if my husband was still alive ? Answer it would be different. But they would still be part of our lives ) Other people I have met since this new life for me started and I’m grateful for everyone of them because they probably unknowingly have helped me through the hardest years of my life so far. Some of them I’ve only spoken on line to ( you know who you are ). Other friendships have been formed in person and the communication with them has helped even on the darkest of days. Each of them unwittingly helping navigate me through this journey of grief....