A Little Bit of Me

If this week has taught me anything it’s that the grief monster can hit at any time and totally floor you. That three years feel like just yesterday. And that there is people around to give a hug when needed. So last night in the midst of volunteering it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears started and it took me a long time to proper calm myself. I’d manage to tell the coach right at the start of the night that i was struggling and that it had been a hard week. That it felt like just yesterday that he’d died and not nearly three years. I’m lucky with the fact that the coach I work with also was my husbands coach so that in itself is a help. I’d managed one class and was more than half way through the second when a shot I threw was called rubbish and one look to the other lady that coaches with me and I was a mess. If I hadn’t of already been sitting on the floor I think I might of ended up there. Luckily for me she also knows my history and shouted on the main coach who got to me

A lot has happened this week that has made me have to fight my corner and yet feel so alone. It should of been his birthday this week and that day in itself was hard because this year so far has been the hardest year since I lost him. I’ve had to pull someone up for the way that they were talking to me. Turns out they thought I had a thing for them. I just needed him to understand how the way he was around me was doing more damage  than good. I just need friends, new or old. It really does feel like I have this label above me and that everyday I have to explain it to myself and other people that yes I am a widow and that it will effect how I’m treated but it isn’t who I am. I’m just me. Kerry,  35 and fighting everyday just to be seen for me. I never chose this new life. This life chose me. The life where every day sometimes more than once a day it is a fight even just to get through. For all though it is nearly three years it feels like yesterday.  I can feel alone in the busiest

Well it’s come that time again that I have to deal with a date that means so much that won’t be getting celebrated. Not the way that it should anyway. My hubby should of been 35 this week but will forever be 32. It has got easier each year don’t get me wrong. But it’s still a hard day and the lead up to it this year has been hard. But it’s because there is other things happening. Things that I could really do with having him around to sound off to. To get a hug from. I have a parent who we thought was finished with chemo. Looks like he might not be and that’s hard on all of us, especially him. I also found out a friends husbands cancer has spread. Life just feels completely shit at the minute and I don’t know how I’m still getting through each day (I know what’s helping anyway - my medication) I also gave into the internal battle of self harm. 7 months clean and it’s starts from the beginning again. I feel so lost, sad and confused about everything. I would just love something to

I don’t know about you creative people out there but I really struggle with getting ideas of what to do. I struggle with just sitting looking at a blank page and not knowing what to do. I’ve been told I’m good at art but I personally think I’m not. I’ve been told some of my stuff is graphic design based, but I mean what even does that mean? I would love this year to improve what I do but honestly I don’t know where to start. I got quite a few sketchbooks for Christmas but in all honesty it scares me knowing what to do. I guess I’m asking for help. How do you guys deal with creative block?