A Little Bit of Me

Next weekend I am going to the wedding of my late husbands sister. The wedding is Friday so heading north on Thursday. I’m going back to his family home for the first time since he died and will have all his family around me for the first time in ages. My anxieties are so high already and it’s not even the start of the week. I’m scared they are gonna honour him in some way ( which they have every right to do ) I’m just really scared that I’m not going to cope. To have all the questions being fired at me etc about how I’m doing, and it’s a shame he’s not here. I don’t want to spoil there day I’m just worried about me and my mental health / grief What would you guys do to cope? Would you put anything in place etc ?

At  00.19 on now a Wednesday morning and I am still awake after a mixed day of trying not to let the internal fight win. If anyone in my family were around at all during the day, it would of been a case of why aren’t you doing anything. I made it out to do the messages that were needing done and then the rest of the day was spent on my phone trying to distract myself from the thoughts and feelings that were happening. I suffered PTSD for about a year and then it just seemed to go. Last night it came back with such vivid thoughts that it felt like real kick in the stomach and a massive thump at my heart. It came from no where and lasted for a good part of the night. The same images playing over and over. Another fight and seems to be getting stronger is the fight to self harm. To be in control of me and not  feel like I’m not even in charge of my body. And even though it’s not strong (at the min ) the ocd rituals are seemingly feeling left out and are starting to show them self aga

Bare with me I don’t know if this will make sense but today has been a day of realisation. For the first time since my hubby died over two years ago I was sitting in my flat and felt so alone. I’ve been away places by myself before but something today made it hit home so much that in that flat I am alone. He isn’t gonna walk through the door and give me a hug. I am. Or able to message him and ask him to bring something from the shops. In the ti e since he died I have always been around somebody. I’ve stayed with my parents so there has always been one around during the day. So I have never been truly alone. Even thow I would take myself off to my room I knew they someone was always down stairs. Today that all changed and a real pang of sadness took over me. I didn’t fully recognise the build up of feelings ( to be honest I wasn’t really looking for any ) but when it fully hit and I realised what it was and why, I actually left the flat. Turning my back on it and walking away I fel

I’ve never been one who fully got into exercising. I would try something for an amount of time and then that was it. It look me long enough to accept that I was a “big” girl and that clothes size doesn’t matter, that if it’s something you like then it doesn’t matter what size works best. I’ve always fluctuated with my weight, from one extreme to another. I like my food. I like chocolate - sometimes a little to much. ( dependant on my mental health and whether I have will power ) I don’t see the point in being really thin, or taking the exercising or food tracking to the extreme. In fact that is one of my fears in regard to my ocd, whether I start something and it goes to such bad extreme that the rituals and anxiety get to much. And yes before anyone says anything I know some sort of exercise would be good for my mental health but fighting the negative side of my brain is hard work - your being judged, why you doing this? What’s any of it going to achieve are three of many many tho

To some people dealing with phone calls about changes and everything that comes with it is ok. To me it triggers my anxiety and for today has reduced me to tears. I have done everything that has been asked of me to receive housing benefits but the local council have other ideas. Apparently they have issues with apple and some newer Samsung’s in receiving any communications. NO where on there website is that stated. So it’s no down to me going in for a meeting to fill out the forms again and having to deal with the build up of anxiety from now until then. I’m angry that I have to go into a trigger situation and that the build up to and after it will have my anxieties on high. For someone to easily put on w website the situation as it is takes no time at all but instead it’s no where to be seen