A Little Bit of Me

  As the New Year fast approaches think about what this next year might hold fills me with fear in some respects and anticipation for others.   I definitely need to find the strength mentally to get rent a place of my own.  It’s been nearly two years since I lived in a place that wasn’t my parents. After being so adamant for so long after my husband died that I wanted to move out our place I still haven’t with eagerness got rid of the place we shared for nearly 7 years. After being able to travel to a new country by myself I think I want to travel again and see somewhere new. There’s definitely new countries to visit. I would love to grow with my art. There is definitely room for improvement where that is involved. I need to be more confident in what I can do and not get annoyed when something doesn’t work the way I want it to. Mentally I know the drs want to reduce my meds again in the new year. I’ve been down to the level before so I know I can handle it but even...

Happy New Year and all the best for 2018 May the New Year bring you peace, family, love and the courage to be yourself. May you grow that little bit stronger and learn from 2017 

Do I know the right way to put all these blog posts over - nope Do I just write it as I think it - yup Do I know what I’m doing - nope I started this blog as a way to get my thoughts out after my husband died. Writing as things happened and as I would say them. Probably with no structure and a messy approach. But to me at the time of each post it was normal. Starting the fresh in a new year I don’t know whether to carry on with ‘my’ style or do a more formal approach to each blog. Some blogs may not have a lot of content, some might have loads you may even be lucky enough to get pictures. Lol Honestly I don’t know if I’m doing it right. If anyone is actually reading them. But for me as someone who struggles within groups and occasionally one to one this is a way for me to find my voice in a world where anxiety, fear and insecurities are high for me. I may do a product review or tell the fear of the moment or even when my mental health is being a right royal pain in the arse beca...

Like many I will be doing the sales this year. But it won’t be till the end of the week (let’s hope there is stuff left) A girl can dream right, the presents that weren’t received or the things you have your eye on hoping they come down in price. For me going into 2018 there is a few things that I would like to see if they are in the sales or at least within budget due to getting money to spend. I’m going to start a fresh with 10,000 steps a day so a new set of headphones would definitely be needed as the ones I have I spend more time trying to keep them in my ears than listening to anything. I think I would also love a new jumper as I’m known for wearing the same ones until they hole. I so really need to find new things to listen to as well. With a specific present i got I’m wanting to buy a ring that can wear everyday. The money was from my grandparents and we lost my gran the middle of the month. So something to wear that reminds me of her I think might be nice. I used to alw...

I have to be honest, going into Christmas Day I was doing so with a heavy heart and not sure of the way he day would be. If you’ve ready any of my other posts you’ll know that I lost my husband nearly two years ago, so weas going into today with it being the second of him not being around. Secondly I lost my gran last week (the funeral is tomorrow) so that was all to close for all of my family. Needless to say none of us were in the mood for celebrating. Even in our case having a traditional lunch. As I sat in the morning the pang of not having the two that were missing around was really real. I felt like I was trapped in my body and not able to communicate. That feeling lasted for most of the day but was worst in the morning. It honestly did feel like I had something pulling heavily down on my heart. Sitting amongst my family and feeling like I could talk more freely on my phone without upsetting anybody. Thats where Sarah Milligan’s #joinin helped today. Being able to send a simpl...

    After 72 days I have not achieved my daily goal of 10,000 steps and it has annoyed me ever since. While my mental health has been good I have been able to make myself get out and achieve the goal for today. But lately I saw it more of a struggle. I’m annoyed that I lost the momentum with it as the days that I had done for me were a record. My mood at seeing the cut off point stop is pulling at me mentally. I feel like I have let myself down. But when your mental health says no you don’t have a choice. The thing was I was starting to notice a change in my body with all the walking and that was helping with my body struggles as well.   I will hopefully start again in the New Year. Mental Health permitting and I wanna see if I can beat 72 days.

The festive year isn’t happening in my house this year. I’m not ba-humbug don’t get me wrong it’s that we lost my gran this week and nothing to do with Christmas seems important easpecially when her funeral is going to be between Christmas and New Year. It’s an odd time of year anyway. Last year was the first without my husband and this year will be the first without my gran. To say that my mental health is struggling would not be a lie. For everything that I can put in place I will and have but there is still the negative parts that has the conversation in my head that isn’t a quiet chat. I always usually enjoy this time of year. Watching A Muppets Christmas Carol for most of the month and feeling like I could eat as much sweet stuff and feel guilty for it later. But it’s the 17th and I haven’t watched the movie and the sweet stuff has been for comfort. Here’s to another month just quickly passing by

The festive season is turning up the dial and will be in full swing within the next week. For me that means dealing with anxiety that I know may get to much. It also means dealing with things that might get me down. A meal with my late husbands family will always bring home that he is no longer here and hasn’t been for some time. It’s a case of finding the strength. There will always be that big elephant in the room when ever we meet. Hopefully it behaves itself this time or there will be words said. A Christmas party over night with family and all the people that I know but with still an air for me of judging myself and once the dancing starts a wish to head straight to bed. Not a chance to let your head win but sometimes it always does. A black cloud building that could rain on my party. And the biggest of the couple of weeks. I leave for a three day trip by myself and at the minute I really don’t know how I feel. It’s the first time away by myself and dealing with everyone th...