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My body and grief

Looking at a video today as I watched myself walk through the frame. I realised that my grief journey has really taken its toll on my body. Now I’ve never been a thin person. I’ve always been on the bigger side but looking at that video made me realise that this last few months when my grief has been at its worst again have not been kind to me, I’ve not been kind to myself. I’ve gone through a real period of not wanting to cook for myself or really eat healthy because cooking for one just makes my heat hurt and that’s sad. Sad that I got to a point being on my own where I didn’t want to spend time making things I wanted to eat. I will admit that making sure I drink enough water has not been important to me. And I know that I’m suffering for that as well. It’s strange because I’m three years down the line since I lost my hubby and am dealing with so many emotions now. Some making me feel like it had just happened. And thinks like properly looking after myself have taken the brunt wi
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Recent posts

Emotional day

It’s been a weird emotional day that has made me miss him so much more.  Took myself off for the day ( thank goodness for a bus pass ) to Edinburgh on the hunt for Oor Willie statues. A art trail around Scotland that raises awareness and vital funds for Scotland’s children’s hospital charities.  The sun was out and that more I found the more I realised he would of been a big kid finding all the different pieces. Talking to his sister and realising she’s found some where she is by the photo that she sent. Just made me realise how much it would of meant to him to be on the trail.  After finding 13 and walking a crazy amount I called it quits.  Coming home to find an official envelope from the exam body for Scotland to a certificate telling me that i am now a level one certified coach for boccia. To say that it seems surreal. And not because of the fact that I coach every week but to see it in a certificate is crazy.  I never thought that I’d ever be a coach in anything tha
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Not in the best head space.

So turns out I’ve been battling a mental health episode for at least a three months if not longer and I haven’t been aware. Before anyone questions why I didn’t know what was happening it’s because I typically don’t see what’s happening until I’m at a point that someone goes “WE NEED YOU TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE” It builds up slowly and manifests to a point that I’m really in a negative head space. I’ve learnt this time and the hard way that everything that I thought was happening wasn’t. It was my anxiety and grief having a fight off and I was the looser. Not to forget the ruminations of things that might happen or I might do ( some of those thoughts are hard ) Insomnia Panic that I’m seeing things out corner of my eye that aren’t there Negative thoughts - not good enough etc  Real bouts of sadness Not really wanting to eat - snacking  Racing heart Believing things are wrong with me when they aren’t  Those are only a few of the things that I have been dealing with that I am aw
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Myself

Something I watched recently got me thinking. Thinking about me and how I see myself compared to how I’m seen by others. Now I know a lot happened to me three and a half years ago that has inevitably shaped me now. It has given me a label of ‘widow’ something that I never thought I would have so young in my life. People who knew me before compared to now know me as two different people in respects to the way I am around people and how I deal with life. Yes I was bullied at school and have struggled with anxiety and confidence my whole life but now it almost feels like it takes on a new level. A level further back in what’s important. There has been a lot more happen now that defines me. I’ve hidden away, I’ve cried for long periods of time. I’ve subconsciously unfortunately been resolved to the fact that this is my life now. Widowed at 32 and struggling to really know who I am. - I’m still struggling with that now years later. I look at photos before all that happened and I don’t
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Walking challenge in may

The organisation that I volunteer with has got involved with a sister organisation which is challenging everyone to get out and walk every day in May. The target is to walk the equivalent of The West Highland Way in Scotland - estimated 96miles. It can be done in a team or on your own with the aim to get more people active. I came to the challenge a week after it started and was lucky enough to of kept a record of what I’d walked so far in the month so could fill in the first week easy. As the weeks have gone on I’ve made good distance but unfortunately fought anxiety that I wasn’t good enough and that I wouldn’t get the miles done within the time after being lower than suggested the first week due to a health issue that knocked me from getting more miles than I actually managed. I’m doing the challenge alone and when asked last night how I was doing by the man in charge of the place I volunteer he seemed seriously shocked that I was as far on as I was and jokingly said I can walk b
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Understanding people post grief

It’s a topic that has been a real issue for me. I’ve had friends and lost friends. I’ve been more open to some and it’s cost me me there friendship. I’ve been quiet about things and it’s played with my head. It’s something that I’ve always struggled with is actually having friends. People that I can turn to when I need them. But see since I’ve lost someone closer to me the way people are towards me has changed. Those that knew me when my hubby was alive and those that I’ve met since. Apparently asking someone for help can be relying on them to much. Being myself and talking to some is to much of an issue. My grief is now at a point where it is in stages and I’m not as down as previous but even that can be a problem for some. I’ve come to realise that I have got to look after me and not try and make friends of any kind because it will be used against me if my grief is to much at some points and people just don’t know how to deal with me. Im at a point where the sad realisation is
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Love hate relationship being creative

It’s something that I’ve always struggled with is being creative. I know when I’m on form and producing stuff I’m good. But when the self doubt / unable to think of anything cloud comes it is hard to lift myself out of it. I’ve been told that I have a graphic style to my stuff which I kinda see but on the other hand I struggle to see what style I have and what I’m good at. One of the things I love is getting a new sketch pad and opening it and the anticipation of what might come. But on the other hand I look at a clean white paged sketch pad and I really struggle with what I can do. I’ve had over a month from my art class finishing and the next meeting of it which is at the end of this month and I’ve done nothing. It’s supposed to be a basic show and tell of what we’ve done over the month and I have nothing. I guess I’m saying in all that I rambled. I’m struggling with being creative and I need to find a way to get it back because it’s one of the main realises for me and and at t
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