A Little Bit of Me

Now anyone that knows me knows that I CANT stand the smell or touch of raw bananas. So for me to even contemplate making this was a BIG deal. I followed this recipe:   http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/18020/easy-banana-bread.aspx It didn’t turn out like the picture was that was shown, and for me was dry. But for me to do it. It was an ok first attempt considering I don’t like the smell or touch of them. After trying this recipe I think I’ll stick to my mums recipe next time.

So it’s been a while since I post on here. Did anyone even notice that I was gone?  I’ve been struggling with internal thoughts and how they make me think and how I’m perceived. ( even writing this is hard because thinking about it and writing about it is making me anxious ) Right here goes. For a long time i have struggled with the thoughts that I don’t have any friends and that the way I am perceived counts against me. Ever since school when I truly lost contact with my best friend I’ve felt that I have been unable to keep anyone interested in me. I’ve talked about it before. I was the loner kid at school, able to come in and out of groups of people and not even be noticed. And those negative thougths have continued till present day. Some times a lot more negative than others. So these last few weeks has been one of the harder times and it has been tiring to even try and fight it if I’m honest. If anyone has noticed there has been a problem with me then it’s only coz I’v...

“ D on’t understatement the value of doing nothing,  of just going along,  Listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bother ”                                                                              - Winnie The Pooh  

       https://the-true-me.co.uk/index.php/2018/06/26/just-be-you/ When I first read this post it spoke so much to me. Being just a couple of years older a lot of what was written could of been written by me but in the female form.  I’ve let so much define me and given myself so many labels that i have lost track of who I truly am and what I am about. Growing up I didn’t fit in and was bullied and let it define me. I have never seen myself as having friends. No one that I could turn to if I just needed a chat.  One label that until eight years ago I didn’t know I had was mental health sufferer, it’s one I’m glad to have now. It doesn’t define me but it is making me start to accept me.  I’ve tried to please everyone without pleasing myself. I hope that choices I make from now on are for me and not everyone else.  Life’s to short. 

Speaking to my counsellor last week it was suggested that something I’d done had only been one sided and that I’d put myself out there with chance of a whole lotta repercussions happening. Back story - id made the decision to speak to two people that I trusted out with the family about my self harming. Two people that I now and respect. They then new that I was struggling and could keep and eye on me and if I was quiet they knew something might be wrong. Saying this to my counsellor he told me that I’d made it all one sided, that I know nothing about them to the same degree and that it hadn’t been the right way to go about it. I came out of that session mulling over what he’d said about it and the more I think about it the more I am actually quite upset that he said what he did. I have never been one to open up about anything. I’ve kept everything to myself and felt with it internally. So for me to even contemplate reaching out was huge enough in itself. And for it to be about m...

So this week everything finishes for the summer and it means a lot of the things I volunteer with are shutting for six weeks while the schools are on holiday. Growing up I always used to like the holidays. Six weeks of no school and a holiday to look forward to. And getting away for the people that bullied me and the negative thoughts that school brought. As I’ve grown older and more so latterly it has just been the weeks that I don’t have a routine of place to be and people to interact with. I’ve gotten so used to my volunteering and the people with it, it’s not till it takes a break that you realise how much you come to rely on the weekly interaction as part of your schedule. Even the art class that I go to is off for the holidays so I don’t even have that as part of my routine. It gives an unease knowing what’s coming and the uncertainty of every day. Part of me would love to look forward to it. Making so many new memories and being around friends. The fact that I don’t have a l...

Two years and two months since I lost my husband and last night it hit me like a ton of bricks that it was time to take my ring off. I was single and wearing the ring was in a way holding me back. “ 😢 when it hits you like a kick to the heart that it’s time to take your wedding ring off because your now single. #singlelife #someonegivemeahug “ That was a tweet that I sent out last night. Sitting at a ceilidh - something he always loved. And the thought suddenly came that I didn’t have a dance partner and guys seeing the ring might not ask (sounds silly I know) I know he’d want me to move on and I’m still surprised I had the ring on till now. But in all honesty it only feels like it’s been a year and not two. They say life goes on once someone dies. But it’s with a  gingerly step and an unease that I go back to the single life and don’t have home by my side. My heart is heavy and I’m scared but here’s to the next chapter in my story. Who ever wants to walk it with me. ...