A Little Bit of Me

Seasonal Affective Disorder   https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder-sad/ https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/s/seasonal-affective-disorder-sad The ‘winter’ depression that effects approximately 1 in 15 people, and can add me as one of the people. Don’t get me wrong I love this time of year. But the darker nights and the darker for longer mornings are horrible. For so many years I didn’t know why I felt the way I did. It wasn’t till a few years ago did I fully understand why for the tail end of each year I felt so low and had no energy. My sweet tooth would get worse as I lost myself in the negative thoughts in my head. Some nights would be harder than others and I would get reliant on sweet foods to ‘help’ The motivation to do anything is hard. Waking up to a dark room and trying to convince your brain that it is indeed morning and that you have to get up and get work done is hard. And even concentrating is an issue with things taking longer than us

So whether I think it or not, I am a fighter. If these last three and a half years have taught me anything it’s that how ever low I get I still fight on. There has been more downs than up. More than I’d like to acknowledge. My thoughts have taken me to places that I didn’t want to go, with ideas that I didn’t really want to have. They have told me that I’m not good enough, not able to draw, that no one will want to get close to me, that I’m damaged after everything that’s happened. To some that might not seem a big a fight but for me it was huge. Second to the fact that I was dealing with a very sick husband and then his death and the after effects of it. So the fight has been real. So very real. I’ve always dealt with anxiety, depression, ocd even if I didn’t know it. Add into that ptsd and grief and I can honestly say I’m a fighter, I’m a survivor. Don’t get me wrong there is times when it gets to much and takes over me. Even though not aware during the low periods deep down

As the nights draw in I can already feel my mental health being effected. So I want a challenge, whether that be doing a sketchbook - page a day type thing over autumn / winter. Or trying to hit 10,000 steps in a day. I need something to work towards that might mean I don’t suffer so much over the darker nights etc. I think the thing is I’m on my own. I have no one to be accountable to. These months are just passed by and I suffer. I need the challenge but I really don’t know what I need / want.

Next week I’m being respite for my mum as she goes on holiday for a week. I’m surprised at what it’s making me feel. You see my dad has his second round of chemo and I won’t lie it’s bringing back memories. The whole situation is. I know you shouldn’t compare things that happen but there is similarities between my late husband and my dad. The school holidays start next week and my mum has booked to go away with friends to a place I know she’s always wanted to go. So because I’m not going I said I would move home for a week to be there just in case. I really don’t think she is truly convinced about going but we all know she needs to because as my dads chemo goes on things will be hard. To get the break now while it’s still relatively new is beneficial. I wish that I’d been given that chance early than when we had it (whether I took it would be another story. My husband was never out of hospital during his treatment) Family is everything - through the good and the bad