Skip to main content

Feeling judged



The dictionary definition of judgement is - the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions 
It has been something that I have always struggled with. The thought that other people are judging me at any possible chance and it really effects me. It has been told by others with me at the times I think it’s happening that it wasn’t the case. But in my head it did happen, it felt real and the after thoughts with it are so very real.
How do I explain to the people around me that they may see it as one way but in my head I see it an entirely different way.
Judgement has always been an issue for me. The fear of making a mistake, of not being seen as able to do something. Or even just walking down the street. Or even tasks that I do. The heightened anxiety, the voice in your head telling you that everyone is looking at you and is thinking the worst. The tightening of my chest and the racing pulse are horrible and last a lot longer than normal.
 Do I feel like I’m constantly being judged for being a widow, for the drawings that I do, for getting everything ready to move homes, for even the amount of bloody fizzy juice I drink in a day the answer is YES! on a daily basis even by my own family I feel judged - and that’s a hard thing to write.

In an ideal world I’d be able to accept that people will look at me and have thoughts and not jump to the conclusion that they might be negative. But we aren’t in an ideal world are we.




Comments

  1. Anonymous21 March 2018 at 16:36

    Useful information. Lucky me I found your website
    by chance, and I'm shocked why this accident did not took place in advance!
    I bookmarked it.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

If this week has taught me anything

If this week has taught me anything it’s that the grief monster can hit at any time and totally floor you. That three years feel like just yesterday. And that there is people around to give a hug when needed. So last night in the midst of volunteering it hit me like a ton of bricks. The tears started and it took me a long time to proper calm myself. I’d manage to tell the coach right at the start of the night that i was struggling and that it had been a hard week. That it felt like just yesterday that he’d died and not nearly three years. I’m lucky with the fact that the coach I work with also was my husbands coach so that in itself is a help. I’d managed one class and was more than half way through the second when a shot I threw was called rubbish and one look to the other lady that coaches with me and I was a mess. If I hadn’t of already been sitting on the floor I think I might of ended up there. Luckily for me she also knows my history and shouted on the main coach who got to me...
Post a Comment
Read more

Not in the best head space.

So turns out I’ve been battling a mental health episode for at least a three months if not longer and I haven’t been aware. Before anyone questions why I didn’t know what was happening it’s because I typically don’t see what’s happening until I’m at a point that someone goes “WE NEED YOU TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE” It builds up slowly and manifests to a point that I’m really in a negative head space. I’ve learnt this time and the hard way that everything that I thought was happening wasn’t. It was my anxiety and grief having a fight off and I was the looser. Not to forget the ruminations of things that might happen or I might do ( some of those thoughts are hard ) Insomnia Panic that I’m seeing things out corner of my eye that aren’t there Negative thoughts - not good enough etc  Real bouts of sadness Not really wanting to eat - snacking  Racing heart Believing things are wrong with me when they aren’t  Those are only a few of the things that I have been dealing wit...
Post a Comment
Read more

I’ve lost who I am.

I’ve lost who I am. After years fighting mental illness and then being a carer and then dealing with grief. I can honestly say I don’t know who I am and what I wanna do with my life. Yes I volunteer twice a week. Yes I do an art class BUT more than ever i feel that it doesn’t define who I am. Because I can’t even say when asked truly who I am and what kinda jobs I would like to do. Or what I’m doing with my life. I’m in a place by myself yet it doesn’t feel like a home. I’ve lost my way in life and don’t even know where to start to get it back. People are looking at me for answers to questions that I can’t give. Because I don’t know me. It’s strange to be in a body / be in this life and not be able to say this is truly who I am meant to be.
1 comment
Read more