A Little Bit of Me

Looking at a video today as I watched myself walk through the frame. I realised that my grief journey has really taken its toll on my body. Now I’ve never been a thin person. I’ve always been on the bigger side but looking at that video made me realise that this last few months when my grief has been at its worst again have not been kind to me, I’ve not been kind to myself. I’ve gone through a real period of not wanting to cook for myself or really eat healthy because cooking for one just makes my heat hurt and that’s sad. Sad that I got to a point being on my own where I didn’t want to spend time making things I wanted to eat. I will admit that making sure I drink enough water has not been important to me. And I know that I’m suffering for that as well. It’s strange because I’m three years down the line since I lost my hubby and am dealing with so many emotions now. Some making me feel like it had just happened. And thinks like properly looking after myself have taken the brunt wi...

It’s been a weird emotional day that has made me miss him so much more.  Took myself off for the day ( thank goodness for a bus pass ) to Edinburgh on the hunt for Oor Willie statues. A art trail around Scotland that raises awareness and vital funds for Scotland’s children’s hospital charities.  The sun was out and that more I found the more I realised he would of been a big kid finding all the different pieces. Talking to his sister and realising she’s found some where she is by the photo that she sent. Just made me realise how much it would of meant to him to be on the trail.  After finding 13 and walking a crazy amount I called it quits.  Coming home to find an official envelope from the exam body for Scotland to a certificate telling me that i am now a level one certified coach for boccia. To say that it seems surreal. And not because of the fact that I coach every week but to see it in a certificate is crazy.  I never thought that I’d ever be...

So turns out I’ve been battling a mental health episode for at least a three months if not longer and I haven’t been aware. Before anyone questions why I didn’t know what was happening it’s because I typically don’t see what’s happening until I’m at a point that someone goes “WE NEED YOU TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE” It builds up slowly and manifests to a point that I’m really in a negative head space. I’ve learnt this time and the hard way that everything that I thought was happening wasn’t. It was my anxiety and grief having a fight off and I was the looser. Not to forget the ruminations of things that might happen or I might do ( some of those thoughts are hard ) Insomnia Panic that I’m seeing things out corner of my eye that aren’t there Negative thoughts - not good enough etc  Real bouts of sadness Not really wanting to eat - snacking  Racing heart Believing things are wrong with me when they aren’t  Those are only a few of the things that I have been dealing wit...